As I continue to find myself and soul search for answers to my sexuality I've kind of opened up in my mind about dating guys. I'd like to try it and see what it leads to. Here's my delimma: My best friend and I are lifelong friends. We do "all that is macho" shit together - man's man type of activity (drinking at shitty bars, long distance motorcycle trips, shooting, freezing cold hunting, et cetera). Anyhow....I'm out to my friend and he accepts me 100%. When I came out we briefly talked about "what's next" - he said if I did get a boyfriend he'd accept it (though it would be a bit awkward at first...I think that's reasonable). My problem, in my mind, is my friend and I are attached at the hip - we think alike, do alike, and in many ways act alike. I don't let anything get in the way of that friendship. I feel paranoid that if I start dating men that the guys I date would see him as a threat or be jealous of him (or possibly vice versa - my friend is kind of overprotective). Anyone else have a partner and a same-sex best friend and manage to keep both relationships healthy?
It's quite possible to do. That said, it will require some adjustment on the part of your friend, and it may require some adjustment on the part of your boyfriend/potential partner. Usually the most difficult task is for your friend to adjust to having somewhat less access to you, because your relationship will take up time, and there will be some intimacy and communication and so forth that happens between your partner and yourself that you probably won't discuss with your friend... which will likely be new territory for him. The real key, I think, is for you to maintain vigilance in the early days of the new relationship with your boyfriend so that your friend doesn't feel left out or hurt. He will probably feel *some* level of disappointment because any relationship you have with a boyfriend will be very different than, say, your friend's relationship with his wife or GF, and some of the emotional intimacy (i.e, talking about whatever) he's used to will probably go away to some extent. And your partner/boyfriend will need to understand the importance of your friendship. It may be difficult if your partner/boyfriend is the jealous type, but if so, hopefully if he eventually figures out that your friend really *is* straight and doesn't pose a threat, then he will be OK with it. I've been on both sides of this, as the friend whose best friend developed a relationship, and as the person who developed the relationship. It worked out fine in both cases, but it did require a little bit of adjustment.
Let me know how it goes for you. Since coming out to my sister, she's actually been calling me a lot more just to chat. I know she's just really curious about my new life and I have this complete desire to tell her everything, but I'm wondering just how much I should hold back. Then again, holding back is what kept me in the closet all these years. Chip is correct in that there are going to be adjustments on all sides, yourself included. I hope whoever you meet realizes that you come with a very supportive best friend who will hopefully always be a part of your life. As your friend gets more and more comfortable with the real you, hopefully he'll accept having boyfriend-related conversations and concerns with you. I haven't crossed that line with my best friend yet. I'm thinking our conversations will continue to revolve around gaming, family, and how much we both hate our hometown. Good luck in the relationship department. What are you doing to meet people?
First off: I concur with Chip, so I'm not going to rehash his post. But: some additional thoughts: - I dare say your age makes it less of a concern. If you're in highschool, and your best friend is the first person ever to just "get" you, then a relationship is seen as much more of a threat than it is when you're older. Or at least it's like that in my experience. These days, I'm far more confident in my friendships than I used to be, and it feels less of a threat if I go through a period of focusing on something else but the friendship. After a few cycles of slight removal and getting closer again, I know that even if any of us is involved in something like a new relationship (or new job, or moving to a new place, or any new project, really), there's not really a risk of losing them forever. - Planning is your friend here. If I were to point to one guy who's my best friend, it would be my brother. And before he had his girlfriend, we would occasionally decide to do spur-of-the-moment things, friom bar-hopping to sports to just going to see a movie. Which is a whole lot of fun. When he got a girlfriend, we did lose a bit of that. If he was busy spending time with his girlfriend, he couldn't just drop everything because I wanted to hang out. If he was hanging out with me, it was still vaguely insulting if he forgot all about me as soon as his GF called. So; in the end, what helped a lot was proper planning. We decide about a week ahead what we want to do, which decreases the odds of overlapping interests. Obviously she gets the lion's share, but it is nice to know we can still decide to hang out by ourselves. And, over time, as the situation becomes more and more habitual, we are starting to move beyond planning again. These days, his GF has little reservations about me stealing him away, and vice-versa. And sometimes we just hang out all three of us. - Last but not least: don't overanalyse the difference between dating girls and dating guys here: you'd run into much the same situation if you dated a girl. with that girl, you'd still be spending time on joint activities, apart from your friend. So, if you wouldn't have let the friendship stop you from dating girls, it shouldn't stop you from dating a guy either.
Thanks for the responses. It's good to hear that others have had positive experiences with this. I've noticed that people don't like long posts, so I left out details above: My friend and I have been super close since our teens. He is currently married with 4 kids; so, I'm familiar with what Chip and Filip are saying regarding things changing and such. I've always been the compatible third wheel which made it easy for me to tag-along on most 'family' events; but, I also agree with Filip, planning is essential. We know that some weekend time is ours - guaranteed. Other than that, we have to plan in advance for an actual 'us' outing - and even then things fall through. JRNagoya - I'll keep you posted. It's not that I'm actively looking as much as opening myself up to the idea. Honestly, I've still a lot to figure out before I pursue anything. I'm at that point where I can say "I think I'd like this" but....I still have some personal soul searching to do. Truth is, I've been single for so long (and I didn't mind it), that I'm kind of used to it. I'm basically at a point where I'll actively make eye contact, smile and flirt if I think I'm being flirted with (as opposed to avoidance like I used to be).
I understand where you're coming from. It's really like going through high school all over again, just this time I'm not acting like an asexual statue and as you said, opening up to new possibilities. I'm going to a friend's birthday party this weekend that's being held at a gay bar. It'll be the first time I actually go to one and dance. Really looking forward to it as I'll be breaking so many personal taboos doing so. Not sure how the dating scene in Kansas City is, but it's really hard to pin anything down here in New York. My luck I'll probably make eye contact with an escaped mental patient with a series case of rabies.
No doubt, JRNagoya - I've already have a history of "being too nice" as it is... I'll get some basket case for sure. KC is pretty moderate. There are plenty of gay bars and clubs. Honestly, the local Barnes & Noble is a good place too. Like you, I just want to remove the shroud and open my options up. Thing is, to me at least, is still be yourself. I'm extroverted but conservative. I wouldn't dance while in the closet, I still won't - Just don't like it.
