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Going to a gay bar as a "straight" guy

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TriCube, Mar 22, 2012.

  1. TriCube

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    I'm not out to anyone. Last night, I was walking around the city with a friend, looking for a bar to go to. Our conversation on the way there:

    Her: I found a cool bar online, but it might be expensive.
    Me: Cool, well if it is I'm sure we can find somewhere else later.
    Her: Yeah, there are a lot of bars in the area there. This one is pretty chill. There's a gay bar around there too, but I'm not wanting to have that crazy of a night.
    Me: Oh, heh.
    ....awkward silence
    Her: Yeah... Let's just go to the one I found.

    When she brought it up, I didn't really say anything. I tend to get nervous when people start talking about gay stuff, and don't add anything to the conversation. Which actually probably isn't the best thing to keep people unsuspecting. I should have jumped at the opportunity and asked if she had ever been to a gay bar before, or told her I hadn't.

    I was kind of interested in going though, since I've never been to one before and wanted to see what it's like, plus, I wouldn't have any surprise encounters since I only know a few people in the city. It might also help me get over some hurdles in accepting myself. She thinks I'm straight (at least I think she does) and I know she is, so it wouldn't have been a big deal. But I'm not really sure why she suggested it in the first place unless just wanting to get my opinion on it.

    So I guess my question is, how do I say I'm interested in going, without actually saying I'm interested or appearing TOO interested? Basically, I want to check it out with the safety net as appearing straight.
     
  2. PianoNate

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    Get your pink feather boa out ... that'll let her now you're ready to go without having to actually say anything!
     
  3. Filip

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    If you end up in the city again soon-ish, you might just try to go further on that conversation.

    Something like: "you know, I had a good time at that bar last time, and I'm thinking: let's just be crazy for once and check out the gay bar for a change! I've never been to a gay bar before, so now I'm kind of curious to see what it looks like."

    Which, if pulled off right, really makes you sound adventurous rather than gay or questioning. Curious enough to go, but not so curious as to imply an ulterior motive.
    She still might have her suspicions (usually straight guys aren't the ones to insist on going to gay bars), but even if she asks outright, you can still claim it was just a silly idea you had and shrug it off.
     
  4. Caoimhe Fayre

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    good advice from Filip...

    all I can say is my fingers are crossed for you, I hope it all works out well. :slight_smile:
     
  5. stilllovelyafte

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    I was always one to diffuse awkwardness with humor. What about - "well that would solve the problem of expensive drinks - for me, at least..."
     
  6. TheAMan

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    This may or may not work but try to make it a bet. Be like "if I go in this gay club what would you do for me in return?" It doesn't matter if she holds up her end of the deal because you got what you really wanted.
     
  7. insidehappy

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    well you almost have to wait until she brings it up again and say "oh let's go,"

    if you want to take a more proactive approach when you are with her in the area next time, u can say "do guys hit on you at teh gay bars" and she will say, yea sometimes they do, and u can say something like i dont believe it, i'd have to see this with my own eyes.
     
  8. TriCube

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    Thanks for all the suggestions, guys! I'm glad I got a few options and might try out some of them.

    @Filip: I actually think that might work. I kind of don't want to be the one to bring it up though, but this way might make it seem like I'm not extremely interested in going. I'm sure she'll be suspicious, but if I play it coolly and don't freeze up like I normally do... Maybe I should ask her if she's ever been to one and what she thought of it.

    @stilllovelyafte: Haha, I like that. :grin:

    @TheAMan: That might work too, but I don't want to sound demanding that we go, or give her a reason to be even more suspicious. I'm not even sure I want to casually suggest going, because I never start conversations on topics that are gay related, and that alone might throw her too big of a clue.

    I'm probably going to just have to wait until she brings it up again. We did walk past it that night, actually. It didn't seem too clubby, which was nice. There were a lot of people outside sitting at the tables, so maybe if we pass by again sometime, I'll point out that it seems like a relaxed place to hang out.

    Also, I guess I could just go around this whole thing and just go by myself. We both live in the city, and it is only about a 30min walk to that area.
     
  9. insidehappy

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    its funny that you said that because that was going to be my suggestion. i honestly do not think you should go with her because you will be going in a closeted gay man pretending to be "straight" around guys that know you are gay or closeted. its just too much pretending for one night. Also, because you will have to distance yourself from the situation, you may even make jokes or laugh at things so your friend wont think you are gay. Finally, lets say you go and you see a guy you absolutely think is great, you can't talk to him because your friend will think you're gay. if he comes and talks to you, you will feel weird because u do not want your friend to know.

    go alone. witness it for yourself. make sure to go on a night you knwo she will not be there. and have fun. watch for yoruself or just hang out. its easier to meet people solo because they get afraid to talk to you if you're in a group. good luck but i say go alone so you can really experience what you need to experience so you can better discover/uncover yourself.