After trolling around here for the past month, I have to admit that I was not quite honest w/ all of you in my initial post http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/57963-friends-bromance-something-beyond.html . Although I still consider myself to be straight, I'm certainly questioning things. Anyway, I've admitted to myself that I do in fact harbor some feelings for my friend- even though I'm not sure if he's gay, straight or bi; and realize that this is something that I have to deal with in my life. REASONS THAT HE MIGHT LIKE ME LIKE "THAT" 1. I won't rehash my previous post, but we still make plans every day to eat together at work (usually just he and I). Ironically, even after all these months of eating together (at least 90% of the time), one of us will always check that the other is planning on lunch -- before deciding on where to go. Curious, no? 2. He's made statements when we greet each other for lunch such as "Hey, I'm really happy to see you!", or [me complaining about my day] and he responds, well the good news is that you get to spend time with me. 3. When we hang out and go drinking w/ friends, usually him and I end up next to each other during the course of the evening as we get drunker and the group separates. 4. Other times, we've made plans to hang out at the bar together-- and somehow it was understood by the two of us that the evening was to be for him and I only- even though it was never explicitly stated. Even after we got to the bar, he nor I suggested that we invite others to join. Like I said, it seemed as if the evening was just supposed to be fore the two of us. 5. We've gone on a few bar crawls (w/ other friends) and I dressed up in some crazy, goofy shit-- and out of all my friends, he was the only one to do the same as me.. does that mean anything? 6. I perceive an awkward tension between us sometimes when it's just he and I alone in a room, but if we are in a public place (where obviously nothing could ever happen)... things are fine. 7. He'll joke around and tell me all his pretend collection of sexy toys with me (this has been happening more and more lately). 8. When I traveled back home, he checked in to make sure I was getting layed. Told me that he was glad I was back and that he missed me. REASONS HE MIGHT NOT LIKE ME LIKE "THAT": 1. He's now "dating" the girl that I mentioned in my other post. The thing is, he really doesn't like to discuss it much with me (or to others). He will tell me however that sometimes they/he still has arousal problems. 2. They do spend several night a week together (including the weekends) but the relationship is so hush hush with everyone. Otherwise, they do dinners and all the things that couples would do I guess-- but it's hard to know b/c he won't talk about it w/ me. 3. We don't IM/FB/Text as much as we used to. When it came to initiating these things, it was usually 50/50. now, it's 70/30 in my favor. But sometimes he's in the mood to do so and we'll joke around at work or something. 4. Sometimes, I get the feeling like he might be trying to keep me at arms length-- like he's sensed that I'm interested in him and he doesn't want me to think of him like that (almost as if he's trying to ignore me)... ie go back to the post above about not texting as much. 5. He never brings up gay topics or really responds much when I say anything (like when I said that I hated Rick Santorum when they were talking about his positions on gay marriage on CNN during one of our lunches). He'll call things "gay"; ie. "man, it so gay that I have to work late tonight". So, what are your thoughts? Is he straight, questioning, or bi/gay and closeted? Obviously, I need to sort these things out in my head and I appreciate any feedback you can give to me. Just admitting to myself (and this community) that I'm curious was a huge step for me. I have a lot of things to figure out. Thanks for listening
It's really hard to say. The common answer to this kind of question is - it doesn't matter. The only person who can say whether or not he is gay, is him. AND he's not going to do that until he's ready. Heck - you aren't even sure of your own orientation - and likely wouldn't be prepared to 'come out' to anyone either. The best way to provide people with the opportunity to come out to you is for you to come out to them. And even then, you can't come out to them with the expecation that they will do the same. Likely they won't - as everyone has their own path to take. Presently he has a girlfriend. So outwardly he presents himself as straight - and that's what you need to assume until told otherwise. What's important for you is to segregate these two things. You're not sure of your own orientation, and you're not sure whether your friend is bi or gay. You don't want to make the answer to the first thing contingent on the answer to the second thing. Getting at your own orientation is something that you should be working on yourself. Hanging out here is one way of getting more comfortable with yourself and the implications of it.
i remember your original post and i'm glad you were honest with yourself about your feelings. it sounds like you really like this guy but you're not sure if he likes you and you're not sure what all of this will mean for you (you were getting married last i recalled). my gut on this is that he is bisexual. men kid around, men play around, men joke, but straight men also have a very defined set of rules that they dont typically break and thsi is usually centered around giving the perception that they may be gay or emotionally into a guy. based on what you have said he seems to like you. now wiht that said, that does not mean that he is ready to admit it to himself and maybe not even admit it to you. he is emotionally into you. "@ least you got to see me, just making sure you made it home, im so happy to see you" aren't things straight guys say to each other even if they want to because the perception would be they were gay. i have been in this situation before when i liekd someone that i wasn't sure if they were gay or not but they were doing things that made me think they were possibly interested in me. what i can tell you is that in all cases (except one). i had to "out myself" first or disclose my interest first before they disclosed theirs. so if you are waitin for him to say something, you can keep waitin because he will only hint around, he will not say anything. i think there are a few things at play here. 1. he is not single. 2. you guys work together. 3. you're getting married, 4. you haven't defined what you want from this situation even if he is gay. i think you have to ask yourself: what do you want? do you want him to break up with his gf and you break up with your fiance? do you want to fool around with him as an experiment and see what guys are like and then continue to marry your fiance? do you want to have a friend that is gay so that you can help sort yoruself out? do you jsut want to know he likes you so you can fantasize about this inside of your own head but never take action on it? See what i mean, what do you want? once you determine what you want, then you can go after whatever that is. if i had a guy friend that gave me this many clues and made me feel this comfortable to be in this phsyical space and seemed to be emotionally supportive of me and also flirtatious with me i feel like you can be flat out honest with this guy. i mean he tells you that he can't get it up in teh bedroom so what's more embarrasing than that. can't u just say the next time you guys are out drinking "hey i wanted to tell u something but i didnt want u to feel weird about it or see me differently cuz i think we're great friends and i dont want to mess anything up." he will say "no its cool what's going on." then you can say...honestly this is really kinda not something that has happened before to me but we spend a lot of time together and i really enjoy your company and im starting to have a lil bit of a crush on u. but i did not want to weird you out." then he will say whatever he is going to say. if you feel like he says, "no man im straight im not like that" then you can always try and downplay it a lil by saying it must be the booze and distance away from your fiance and laugh it off.
Thanks for the feedback fellas. @ Jim - Interesting comment you made; that my orientation should not be dependent on his. I don't think that is the case, but if he came out to me, I would certainly discuss my current confused state with him (it would be as Insidehappy suggested- having a gay friend to help sort myself out). @ Insidehappy - What do I want... Well, I'm not exactly sure. I would certainly never cheat on my fiancee (at least not physically) but if my curiosity and attraction continue to grow, at what point am I cheating emotionally? I do love my fiancee and I'm afraid to think that I might not be straight. The fantasize thing really isn't an option because if my feelings continue to grow, fantasizing will just frustrate me and probably make me unhappy in the long run.... As for him, I don't want my friend to break up with his GF even if she's just his cover. If he is gay, he'll have to take his own path so to speak, but if I knew he was gay, I think it would help me figure things out. Thanks for listening though. It's just so damn confusing when one day it seems so clear that he likes me but then he's spends nights with the GF and will sometimes kinda ignore me... Why would someone do this? Makes me want to pull my hair out!
