Do you ever feel...defective?

Not in the same way, but sometimes it does creep up on me, yeah.

Though I don't really have it as procreation-focused. It's more of a general feeling. Almost as if comparing my life now to the life of an alternate Filip, from an alternate universe. The same in every way, except straight.

There is very little doubt in my mind that alternate-Filip would have actually tried dating girls (the ones that gay-Filip politely declined) and eventually settled on a nice girl. That guy is probably married, maybe even with kids, busy getting a house set up... it would just all have come so easy and naturally. While, meanwhile, gay-Filip ended up struggling with it for years, and only really focusing on his career.

So in that way, I guess being gay does feel like some sort of a roadblock, that's kept me back for a long time and will continue to cause complications, through no fault of my own.


On the other hand: that feeling happens less and less. And the longer I get used to it, the less I see it as a roadblock and more as just this fact about me to take into account in future decisions. Might mean I'll never have biological kids of my own, but I can live with adopting, or even just being a good role-model for nephews and cousins.
Over time, in true Darwinian fashion, you can adapt to any roadblock

 

Uhh, and where is it written into stone that you cannot procreate or have a family of your own? There is such a thing as a surrogate mother. There's also adoption (sure, there's no direct blood relation, but for many it really doesn't matter).

 

I guess sometimes I wish I was straight, mainly so I could have kids of my own with the person I love and actually having sex to have them. But I still always see homosexuality as natural.

 

All the time. "Why don't I know what gender I am? If I wanna be a woman, why am I also attracted to women? Doesn't the stick go into the hole? Why are clothes so stupid? Why do I feel x way sometimes and y way other times?" Etc. I'd prefer to just know what I wanted and do that, and I'd prefer to not be so questiony. But 'tis what 'tis.
Though I don't think about procreation. Just general suitability in terms of being sane, competent, able to go through things without wanting to jump off bridges. Etc.

 

yes, I have felt defective. but I have to wonder... do the gay squirrels or whatever wonder if what they are doing is natural, or care?

I know that seems like a trite response, but it's not; what I'm saying is that if the other creatures don't worry about it, why do we?

and I really don't think animals think about sexual activity from the procreative standpoint. when I was younger, we took in a pregnant female cat who became attached to me, and when she gave birth she seemed very surprised to find kittens coming out of her. at first she wasn't quite sure what to do with them... I think they just do what feels natural.

now, I'm not saying the animal kingdom is our best example in all cases, because animals also rape each other, but I am saying that as far as self-acceptance goes... I've never seen an animal intentionally hurt itself, or hesitate to follow it's instincts as regards to food, shelter, sex, family - even if the majority of it's own species has a slightly different set of instincts.

and since my OWN set of instincts would not actually HURT anyone else for me to follow them... I am tired of fighting myself, and feeling jealous of squirrels. aren't we humans supposed to be the smarter ones? and if we are, why are squirrels doing a better job of treating themselves right than I am?

 

I do feel defective sometimes. But I'm beginning to look at it as just as defective as having to wear my glasses/contacts.

 

Yeah, I feel pretty defective sometimes. It's not very fun, and I actually spend a lot of my time wondering why I couldn't just be a normal and content with my given gender and be straight and all that jazz.

I just push it away, because I'm me! That's not changing, now is it?

 

I feel defective in many ways...oddly enough being gay isn't one of them. the fact that i care nothing for societal norms and try on a regular basis to break them...that ones probably a defect.

 

I used to feel that way when I struggling to come to terms with myself. And then I became comfortable with myself and happy with it. And then I went and somehow fell in love with a man and now I feel defective because of that. I do love my husband, but I don't like men and I'm yet to figure out how the heck that works.
Now I have a husband, a child, and we're trying to have a second. And that's so different from how I saw my life. And honestly, at times I've also found it a little embarrassing because I feel like I failed at being gay.
I don't know, I've just given up on trying to understand it because I'm happy. But I'm terrified that one day I'll just stop loving my husband and miss being with a woman.
So yeah, defective seems to be a good word for me.

 

Now, I have this vision of a guy in Khaki safari outfit driving down main street in Providencetown saying " Here.... we see the homosexual in his natural environment....searching for young prey..."

But enough fun - you asked a question.

There were times that I felt defective. In fact, when I came out to my sister I said " Lucky me- last in the birth order, I got the crap genes Gay, Heart Condition, and Skin Condition" -- Two things happened to change my view.

I lead a very "normal" live these days. House in the burbs, dog, (no kids by choice - too old and selfish) but the only thing that is different in my house then the house next door is the sex organs in the master bedroom.

And an older straight married friend said to me - "I envy you" To which I said WTF? Here response was "I got married because I had too- I had kids because you were suppose too" "Being gay there really is no preconceived notion of how your life is suppose to be - it just is what you and you BF decide to make it" And she was right.

Now if you want kids, sure its easier for the straights but its not impossible for us these days - make it happen.

 

Every day.

What makes it all the more worse is thinking if I could've saved myself by dating more women in high school. The thought that I'm gay only because I failed tremendously at being straight torments me day in and day out. It makes me feel like I've failed in every way as a man by ending up this way.

 

Def. felt defective...

 

I sometimes feel defective if I'm depressed. It usually starts with wondering why I'm diabetic (type 1, I'm not overweight) or have OCD or why I'm lesbian, etc. (there's tons more, but I don't want to go on and on) After the wondering part, it just gets worse, and suddenly I feel like I'm defective or that God made a mistake or something along those lines.

I end up getting over it though, when I come to my senses that I'm just overreacting.

Also...

(*hug*) Don't worry, it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It's just how we were born. :icon_wink

 

/*Assuming poshest accent he can manage.*/ Any inanity about life sciences sounds 11.4% more convincing when delivered in a posh British accent.


1) Do they have a proof it's really genetic? (which isn't the same as pre-natal, there's a lot more going on there than just genes or even genes+operators.)

2) Just tell your friendly local beehive that non-fertile (for whatever reason) individuals never contribute to species survival. Ant colonies are nice too. Remember your protective gear, or you may end up dead.

3) And if same-sex attraction is truly genetic and entirely non-beneficial, then its observed ubiquity is actually a challenge to any evolutionary theory, In short, why all the individuals with that alleged "gay gene" didn't die out at about the time mammalian XY sex determination system was completely evolved? Another rant-inducing bit of pop-genetics is this idea that all males of all species have an Y chromosome. Real life is a bit a lot messier than that. And then there are New Mexico whiptail lizards...

Never call Darwin's name in vain. Because evolutionary theory is much more complex than "survival of the fittest" formula (he famously didn't invent) could suggest. Think of the nerdiest collectible card game ever, then multiply its complexity by about twenty, and it would be basic modern evolutionary theory. It's all about estimation of odds and obscure exceptions to the general rule.

 

Hm...defective. No, not really. At some point in time when I was beginning to accept myself - yes I felt awful. I felt as if I've done something wrong and there was nothing I could do to fix it. But then I later realised, there was nothing wrong with me. It is what makes up a small part of me only. I am only "defective" in the eyes of today's still persisting societal stereotypes. Plus, who and what is to say what is natural? Regardless, no matter straight or gay we all have some kind of "defective attributes", no one is perfect.

I've got other "defective" things like my weight - I'm terribly underweight, but I don't see it as a defective thing, I see it more as an advantage...as I can pretty much eat whatever food I want without ever having to "watch my weight" xD.

 

There were definitely those days when what fragile sense of stability and constancy I possess collapses in on itself; everything was wrong, everything seemed out-of-place—I felt out-of-place. Because I was an incongruity, an error, an aberration. And the worst part about that is I sometimes still feel like I’m an anomaly.

Yet when I reflect on who I was 8 years ago in comparison to whom I am now, the difference, in every sense of this analogy, is like night and day: I am still on this constant cycle of recovery and discovery, but with each day, month, and year, I am changing; morphing into that which metaphorically kills the old self and is born anew from that very same shell. I'll be a new person tomorrow, but I'll still carry yesterday's scars. And with each day, I’m making progress; healing through pain; looking back in order to go forward.

Akin to what Filip said, the feeling does lose its strength over time, but I can’t personally say that it’ll go away entirely.

 

Definitely true for me. I am struggling with the acceptance part later in life.

 

I dunno. A thought that's been floating around my mind lately is that I've been placed in a world that isn't designed for me; obviously acceptance is getting much better in many places in the world, but still, the fact that there has to be a campaign for me to be accepted for who I am (and arguably something I was born into) is the disappointing part.

I guess being the one who isn't 'normal' makes me a form of 'defective'. But I don't consider myself defective... it's an issue of perspective. To me, defective implies there is something inherently wrong with me. The way I see it, there's something inherently wrong with society.