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Guilt on guilt

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Benzidrine, Mar 23, 2012.

  1. Benzidrine

    Regular Member

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    Hi all,

    So I figured I would try and briefly give my story because I don't think my problem makes sense without context:

    When I was a little kid I was raped a fair few times but it wasn't so bad because I wasn't really cognizant of what sex was back then. But later when I realised what had been done to me it was a shock, the realisation was probably more damaging than the event. The event was sort of swept under the rug, I told my mother but I begged her not to tell my father and she did not. My father at that time of his life was an angry and sometimes violent man and I feared him.

    Skipping forward to high school I found myself attracted to men but it made me feel like I was like the guy that abused me. I grew up in a really anti-gay area (and not in America) and I think the other kids would have killed me had they have known. So both sort of my confusion and guilt meant that I really just put homosexual feelings in the back of my mind and got on with life. Though I think my sexual feelings so repressed came out as a bad attitude in school but maybe I would have had a bad attitude back then in general, hard to know.

    I tried being with women but it really was not for me, I was never sexually interested. So as an adult with that history I am an open gay guy and most of my friends are gay so it is all good in that perspective. But I have never been comfortable as a gay person inside and I don't think I ever will be. And to be honest because of my history if there was a way to be straight I would take it.

    That has always made me feel terrible though because it makes me a secret homophobe. I might accept others but by not being able to accept myself I feel kind of like a traitor. As if the people around me cannot see that I would leave them to be straight if such a thing were possible. It is not that I have any problem with people being gay, it might even fit my personality better in a manner but just that I cannot truly suppress feeling like I have become a sexual predator like the guy that abused me. I know rationally that being gay is different to being a pedophile but it is like my subconscious cannot be made to accept such a simple truth.

    Mostly I feel ashamed of being ashamed, guilty for the sake of being guilty. I guess I always wanted to ask semi anonymously of people of various orientations would you forgive a person for that? given my past.

    Well that was good to write. If you read this far thank you for reading and have a good day.
     
  2. Free Yourself

    Regular Member

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    I don't think of you any less than if it were different, many of my homosexual friends would be straight too if they could. It's not easy, especially with all the judgement in the world. I think a lot of your guilt comes with emotions you haven't yet felt with from when you were a child. Being attracted to men is not the same as being attracted to toddlers.. Although knowing that is different that feeling that way you still have to remind yourself that you are not him. You will never be like the man who hurt you. Keep reminding yourself that and hopefully one day you can believe it. There isn't anything wrong with anyone's sexual orientation but sometimes it's hard for us as humans to come to terms with our own emotions, let alone accept them. The fact you are an out gay is a good step, you're accepting it enough not to hide it, for that you should be proud. The trama you experienced is going to bring in a lot of shame and guilt in situations it's not due, prolly the majority of your life. What happened to you is wrong, it's a big deal and should not be "swept under a rug". It needs to be addressed and worked through, you're feelings and memories are important.
    Lastly, it's not your fault. None of this is your fault!
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC.

    I would echo most of the comments made by Free Yourself. The two issues - your abuse as a child and your orientation - are two different things. However, it is quite natural that you're having trouble untangling them and dealing with them separately. Both are a big deal. Being gay - especially in a culture that is not accepting - is difficult and in it's own ways traumatic. Being raped as a child (or at any age) is also traumatic.

    Have you ever received any kind of counselling or therapy to help you process the feelings that go along with all of this? If not, is there a way for you to pursue that? I think counselling is critical when you've experienced the things that you have experienced. Nobody is really expected to work through things like that on their own and come out normal or unscathed.

    Even with the professional help, it might take some time for you to work through these feelings. You don't say how old you are now, so I'm not sure whether you're a 19 year old adult or a 39 year old adult - and how long you've been carrying all of this around.