Cutting/Burning

Hi again EC.

God I feel like such a drama queen/nuisance for posting a lot lately!

However, why lately do I feel like I want to cut or burn myself? I have never done this once in my life before however for some reason lately I want to start...

I'm not sure about cutting as the sharp pain seems like something I wouldn't be able to handle but as for burning... I don't know but lately I REALLY want to burn myself... Why am I feeling this out of nowhere? I've never had these types of thoughts before.

Anyone know why someone would start to think like this?

 

Well thanks for trying but not really, I hate all of my family and I don't discuss anything like this with friends, I guess I'll have to try and figure out why I would want to hurt myself :/

 

Well it's mainly my parents.

My father has always pushed me away when I was very young, even if he tries to act like we're friends now I'm not buying it, he could die tomorrow and I wouldn't feel remotely sad, it's harsh I know but it's true.

My mother is just ignorant, she's always drinking or smoking and just generally not paying attention, I'm only 15 and I drink regularly, I've done drugs and I've had sex multiple times, IN MY ROOM, majority of the time while she's in the house. It pisses me off the way she acts like shes a good parent and thinks she is, I always want to tell her what I've actually done at 15 to make her shut the hell up.

Well I don't hate all my family, I love my brother and sisters but they annoy me sometimes.

My brother just never talks to me or asks me to go with him anywhere so I feel like he doesn't really care about me (I know he does but he never tries)

One of my sisters is nice and tries with me but she pisses me off all the time by kicking me when I'm down, it's snarky little comments all the time, like when I posted on Facebook about my leg being injured after lifting weights under the radiator and it falling on me (the radiator) her first response was "You lifting weights? With those twigs?" Not caring about my leg or me, just kicking me while I'm down. I know it was meant as a joke but she does that shit all the time and it winds me right up.

My other sister also suffers from bi-polar and she is the only one I can relate to for that, but it's annoying cause she sees someone and is on meds, so she is less depressed and sad than I am all the time, and has happy mood swings much more often than me, and I really don't want to see anyone for this as she forgets a lot of things while on the meds, I want to wait till I at least do my exams before even considering seeing someone for this. Anyway it's annoying cause she's just happy and I guess I'm jeleous since I'm sad pretty much 98% of days.

My friends always piss me off as I am ALWAYS the one who asks them if they want to do something, they never even think to invite me anywhere so now I am just ignoring them all... Fuck everyone.

I just want to go away for a few weeks... Somewhere without family members where I can just relax and be on my own. I am 15 however so I'm pretty sure I can't do this. :bang: life sucks sometimes.

 

Well to me, due to the fact that you just explained how much you dislike your family, it sounds like you're overwhelmed. I've cut and burned before, and I did it not because of depression, but because I was feeling so overwhelmed about a situation that I felt like cutting myself or burning myself was the only way to let out my feelings. I don't know if this is how you're feeling, but it's a possibility. My advice is that if you get the urge to burn or cut, move far away from anything you could use to cut/burn yourself, and find something to distract yourself. For me, it's my piano, but you could write, read a book, paint, draw, specifically something that involves your hands, so you can't cut or burn yourself. I hope this helps If you need anything, I'll be here to talk, too.

 

I'm not sure how else I can let out my feelings... I haven't cried in 3 years simply because I can't... I've tried so many times and so many occasions I should have cried but I just physically can't, I'm almost always depressed to an extent and lately I have been so fatigued due to depression that I don't have the energy to do anything, I just want to get away from everything, and I feel suicide is the only way to do that for me at the moment, however I am too cowardly for suicide so I just do what I have to do each day then just sit down for the rest of the hours, depressed. :/

 

Oh sweetie, I know how you feel. I've been in that exact place before, after my best friend decided to ignore me for the rest of my life. But please, no matter how depressed you are, you have to stay strong. No one deserves to feel that way. The people here at EC are here to help you, lots of people here are going through the same thing you are, and there are others who have overcome this. Try to do something that doesn't use too much energy-listening to music, drawing, something-that will distract you. Like I already said, if you want to talk, I'll always be here.

 

Well after ripping a piece of skin off my finger and feeling relief (not masochistic) I am really considering self harm now. My "friends" come to me a lot if they want to read out their feelings from a piece of paper, I don't think they realise how I feel sometimes. I just want this feeling to end... I would give anything for this to end.

 

Self harm is not the way to go! I know how relieving it can feel, and how it can be an 'escape', but it's only going to harm you more and more. It will effect you both mentally and physically, and soon all you'll want to do is hurt yourself. Please, Zaio, find something else to do. Find something to distract your hands so you can't hurt yourself.

 

There's nothing else I can do, I despise reading and drawing, bike riding usually relieves my stress but It's currenly night time, I'm considering possibly stealing a tent off my parents along with some money and buying supplies to camp away for a few weeks, does this sound like an ok idea? It would help me tremendously I would think, and give me a sense of independence but I'm not sure if it's a good idea :/

 

If it'll keep you from hurting yourself, then it's a perfectly perfect idea. And if you don't like reading or drawing, maybe try ripping paper or something like that. I know that it sounds silly, but it truly works. You could also try writing, that's what I usually do to let out my feelings. Anything that keeps you from self harm is a good thing.

 

I suppose my answer to this would be that it achieves pain and relief in a different way.

And honestly yes I feel I do want to do this to clear my head AND get back at my family. If I did it, I wouldn't call or text them, hell I'd bring my phone with me just to see them text and see them get worried, I would enjoy their anger and misery as that's what they cause me every day.

 

I might start the journal idea you have, but I'm not sure it will be very effective on its own, because honestly if there was a painless way to commit suicide I would definitely do it, no doubt about it.

I don't care about anyone around me anymore... I'm too lonely and pissed off with everyone, self harm seems like the only way to provide relief, and also scars from burning surely wouldn't be permenant? I've burned myself in many ways (not purposely) before and never recieved a scar from it.

 

Gah not sure wtf is wrong with me.

A few days ago when I wrote this I was really going to cut/burn myself and even thinking about suicide (wasn't going to act, just thinking about it, I hope anyway.) Today I feel a bit moody but not having any thoughts close to cutting/burning >.< I've been trying to repress the idea of having bi-polar or whatever it is I have lately, but I guess these mood swings means I most likely have some mood disorder.

Thanks for your help guys and I'll bare the journal ideas in mind for future scenarios.