A month ago I met this amazing boy and we instantly clicked. We went on a couple dates and decided we should start going out. I, personally, haven't been in a relationship with a guy and neither has he. I'm actually his first one, ever. I know the routine do's and dont's, but I'm having a hard time having him learn the same. Once we decided to start dating we both deleted our dating apps on our phones so we could focus on each other. Well two days before I were to go out go out of town one of my friends messaged me saying that he (my friend) saw my boyfriend online. I confronted my boyfriend about it and he said that he was just curious about the messages he was missing out on. I basically let it go, and decided to deal with it when I would get home. While I was gone, my boyfriend thought it would be okay to go on some "dates" while I was away, with just some friends.... I don't mind simple coffee and talking with friends, but when they're previous interests of his and they happen to hang out the entire afternoon, I get skeptical. I told him how I felt about what what he was doing. He said he understood, but continued to message people on the dating service. Basically what I'm getting at is this: Is there anyway to get him to stop playing these games? Don't get me wrong, I want him to have a life and friends outside of me, it's just the way he's going about it bugs me. As I said before I have told him how it makes me feel, yet he continues to do it anyway. I'm almost to the point where I'm about to break things off just to get my point across. Please help!
Maybe you do need to break things off. I mean if he's not willing to put in the time and effort for you then he doesn't deserve you. You really could say he's cheating. I mean why would you be on a dating service if you already have a boyfriend? It doesn't make sense to me so I think you should kick him to the curb.
Hi there! I think the best thing would be to sit down with him (again) and set out some clear 'ground rules' as it were, beyond how his actions make you feel. It isn't fair to you if he keeps messaging people on the dating site to see what he is missing out on. It isn't okay to go on 'dates' when you are not around. Never! If he feels that he is missing out on something, or feels that he needs to message other people on the dating site, it is possible that he is not ready to commit full hardheartedly to a relationship. But this is something you need to talk to him about. Let him know where your boundaries are, and what you think would be okay. If you want him to have friends and a social life beyond your relationship (which is by the way great and I would encourage the both of you to have your own friends) let him know that too. You also have to tell him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't stop 'dating' others while being with you in a relationship, you will end this relationship. But you, and only you, can decide what you feel is best for you at this point. If you think that you have tried to make it work, but it is not going anywhere, maybe you have already reached a point where it would be best to start moving on.
I could sit down with him again and set some boundaries and then state the consequences if he happens to violate the boundaries. I don't want to seem controlling in any way, I mean I do want him to have a life, I just feel he's going about it in the wrong direction. There are LGBTQ groups in the area, and offered to go with him, considering he's not all the way out of the closet. He has strictly stated he didn't want to do that for fear of being outed... But like I said, I'll give it one more go, if things don't shape up I'll have to end things. Thanks guys
I agree with the rest, but I just wanted to offer something for thought. Maybe those dating services are the only other ways for him to comfortably talk to other gays. You've already told us that he isn't completely out yet, so maybe he hasn't found any other way to access such a community. If this is true, then I think he needs more time before he's ready to be in a relationship. In agreement with the previous posts, I think you should break it off if he keeps at it.
I actually never really thought of it that way. I guess you're right phospholipase. I did offer to take him to some of the GSA and LGBTQ meetings as well, but he turned me down. I'll have to talk to him just to voice my concern and discuss his readiness for a relationship.
I'd ask him if he was really interested in having a relationship with you or not. It seems like if he still wants to talk to other guys then he hasn't really decided he wants to settle down. If that is the case you can talk about opening up the relationship to allow these things to happen, just make sure to talk about keeping each other sexually healthy (ie. condoms with each other and other partners always). Read up on polyamory for more info on how people in these types of relationships work through jealousy. I have no experience in that area, I only know that people do it, and it is possible.
Not to be the downer, but I gotta say, this is reminding me of one of my favorite "quotes for life": "When people show you who they are, believe them." Everything you're saying about your approach to this guy sounds very rational, and I think it's entirely reasonable to expect your significant other not to spend entire afternoons with guys they meet on dating sites (I'm assuming none of them are letsbefriends.com?) - nor should you have to put up with him going back onto dating sites without telling you because he's "curious about the messages he's missing." You agreed to get off dating sites and he went back on. You confronted him about seeing other people and he still didn't stop. In all fairness, maybe he's just not ready for something yet, or maybe there's some other very understandable and personal reason why he can't stop this for you, but if what you want is an exclusive relationship where he's not running around with other people, then why, exactly, are you still giving him more chances? From what I can tell, he's communicating pretty clearly to you what his values are here. So, that's it, I'm done with my soapbox, but I just don't want him to cause you any more grief than he already has. I hope things work out soon.
personally i couldn't deal with this. if this "app" is what i think it is, then i doubt very seriously that its a friend finder app. lol. i would be jealous and i think i would have a right to be because if i asked someone to stop doing something and they are still doing it, then i would get pissed.
The hilarity of this situation just makes me giggle. So we broke up, well he doesn't know yet. I left a note with all of his things in his car. I'm just waiting until he gets ready to go to school to find his things. I figured it was the easiest way to do things. I plan on explaining to him why things didn't work out. For the main fact that I happen to glance on my friends account to see he had hidden his relationship status and change his interest to "friends, chat, relationships, etc." So I think it was time to cut the cord. Hopefully he can take this as a lesson learned to not play hookie behind his boyfriend's back. I guess I'll just have to deal with the aftermath. Oh well, life goes on.
