So this is the first time I have ever posted or told anyone that I am gay and I am petrified. The last few weeks I have been considering having sex for the first time and I was planning on doing it anonymously. Luckily something in my head went right yesterday and I started watching youtube videos and reading articles about people struggling with their identity, coming out, etc... All of a sudden it hit me and I told myself for the first time "I'm Gay" and it felt like, well, nothing I have ever felt before. I felt free, like I could stop hating myself for being this way. I have finally come to terms with myself. I'm wanting some advice on what I should do now. First let me provide some backstory: I first had my first "experience" when I was ~13 and I stumbled across a site online... It scared me so much that for months I wouldn't touch a computer. Later on I explored my attraction a little more until my mom "walked in" when I was 14. That was devastating to me... she yelled "Go! Get out of my house!" I went for a walk and came back with a lie I came up with, all she saw was the word gay she didn't see pictures so I told her it was two girls and we buried it and moved on. (In hindsight I should have just come out then, but I had it in my head that I was just confused and I could fix myself) My senior year in high school I had discovered I could get away with watching movies on my TV... until my parents found out a few months later. They called me to the living room and with a strong tone said "Come here let's watch this movie together" right away I recognized the title and turned around to lock myself in my room. They started screaming. I insisted that I just needed a few mins to think... I wish they had given me that because I probably would have gotten the nerve to just come out. They asked me why I watched it and insisted that I was just having normal feelings... my mom did most of the talking, my dad was speechless. In hindsight I think they were just trying to understand what I was feeling, but it came across as hostile so... I lied and went along with it. I am 22 now and for the first few years of college I have felt like an outsider, I can't talk to anyone about this... until now. I have finally stopped looking at it as a problem that needs to be fixed. Now I really want to come out. I am still completely reliant on my parents for financial aid, I mean I am almost done with school and could most likely get a job to cover everything if I am cut off which I feel is a worst case scenario that I don't see happening. But I am sick of lying to them. Every time we talk they ask about girls, etc... My parents aren't extremely religious, but most of my family is. My dad used to talk about sending gay kids off to camps if his kids turned out like that, but I think he has warmed up to the idea since my senior year. My mom is the one I want to tell first though. She seemed really hurt my senior year, but since then she has made gay friends at work and loves them to death... I have considered talking to one of them first and then when I come out ask if they could comfort her and answer her questions. But I don't know them all that well. I have no clue how my dad will react and I already know a few people I will never tell in my family. I have already set up an appointment with a psychologist/counselor on campus who specializes in this, so I'm not for sure what to expect there. I'm thinking of coming out to my mom this weekend and telling her I have an appointment to talk with someone. I'm just looking for advice, maybe someone has gone through something similar. Look forward to talking with others! Thanks, -JP
Hello! I haven't been in your situation nor can I offer very good advice, but after reading your message I did some googling. I found this = Point Foundation Scholarships for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Students I'm sure there are other scholarships like this out there - the point foundation gives scholarships to LGBT students whose parents won't support them financially. Regardless of what you choose to do, there are probably some more options (this was the one I could think of thus far).
Thanks for the tip! I'm sure there are more options out there like this... I'm graduating soon so I don't think scholarships are going to help me much. I should be able to cover my financial responsibilities by switching to part time, it will just make things complicated though.
There's a bar in town, but I feel kinda weird going alone and I don't really know anyone that goes there... Do you think it's best to do that before coming out to my parents? I mean I'd like to go to a LGBT meeting on campus, but I thought I'd come out to my family first.
