So I'm just your average gay guy who sometimes has the unfortunate luck of crushing on straight guys. It's happened a few times in my life, and the outcomes are 1 of 2. 1 he realizes I like him 'too much' and distances himself. Or 2 we have a hot little fling a few times, and then the excitement wears off, and its onto the next girl, or guy or whatever. Its been a very long time since I found myself in one of these situations (though I have a few handsome straight friends who seem fairly comfortable with me, there is a mutual non interest), then about six months ago, a long time friend introduced me to his buddy. When I met him I thought, he's a nice enough guy. Quiet, friendly, good natured and with a kindness about him I felt refreshing. As we grew closer, I grew further from our mutual buddy whose personality I had long been growing tired of (for various reasons) and this new friend had none of those emotional/religious hang ups. He did however 'warn' me that my new buddy can be overtly 'flirtatious' and could possibly be a closet case. Its something that he and his other friends often discussed in jest. After spending much time together (dinner, movies, gym, blah blah blah) I noticed that yeah, he was a little overly touchy. More hugs than one would expect from a 'straight' guy, and more butt slaps. It didn't seem overtly sexual, more as though he just has a really playful nature. One night I asked him if he was anything other than straight, in a joking context, and he reassured me that he is, though he seems to be mistaken as gay all the time. Its nothing that really concerns or surprises him. Fast forward again (after a few more weeks of hanging out) and he's been dropping hints of cuddling with me. So one night I made it a point to get as close to him as possible, and laid on his shoulder while we watched tv. He did not mind. Last night we were having our usual BS session at his house. His father was out of town and he jovially said that I could either go home, or spend the night and cuddle. He made a few attempts to give me a lift home, and I shot them down. Then he made a bed for me on his spare couch. After some more silly bs, I approached his bed and he reacted surprised. He claimed that he had dozed off and that I had startled him. I returned to my bed, frustrated and confused as to his true intentions. His reaction was off putting, but it seemed genuine, maybe I did startle him. So in the morning I woke him and played as straight shooting as I could. I told him flat out that I valued our friendship, that I think he is a beautiful person (he's 24, 6'2'', 195 pounds, ginger, and with a killer smile, utterly gorgeous), but I said all the gay humor, constant flirting and seemingly mixed signals are making me a tad nuts. He apologized, not realizing his words had hurt/confused me. Then I called his bluff in regards to the spooning session he had asked for, crawled into the sheets and wrapped my arms around him. We layed in his bet chatting and laughing, and passing in and out of consciousness for about 2 hours. I kept my hands north of his belly button. I told him that all I want is his respect, and to avoid the constant jokes involving me and him having sex (the crude kind all his straight male friends make with each other) because for me, it has different connotations. I don't want a messy, confusing friendship with him. In such a short time, I've grown to love him very much, and want to be his friend, without too many awkward moments or drama. I also said that while I would not expect this kind of physical closeness, until he shacks up with a girl, I could enjoy a little more cuddling from time to time. He didn't seem to mind that either. Overall he seemed to understand where I was coming from, and accept my wishes. We've texted since then, and everything seems to be as it was with nothing appearing to have changed, but its a little soon to tell for sure. I feel that he does suffer from some self esteem issues, as he was overweight and frumpy looking when he was younger. Also being a ginger, it seems he was the butt of a few of those tasteless jokes too. He has since grown into a wonderful man, and I'm glad to have met him. I guess what I'm wondering is, is he closeted? Or is he is just an overtly friendly straight male with no personal boundary issues? Does he just enjoy the attention I give him? I'd be a liar if I said I could not entertain more from our friendship, but I don't want to push it and accept that it may never come. Maybe I've just found a big red teddy bear.
First of all, welcome to the site, as it's your first post here. As far as your friend, if he's comfortable with this level of intimacy, I'd say it's safe to consider him something other than totally hetero. Straight guys may very well display that level of physical affection and not realize what they're doing, but he seems to push the envelope a little far (I think it's rather outside the definition of an exclusively hetero person - Kinsey 0 in other words - to enjoy cuddling with a member of the same sex, especially if you have cause to specify that your hands stayed "north of the waist"). That said, it doesn't look like he's ready to jump into a relationship (romantic or sexual) with another guy - and possibly not a relationship at all. Who knows why - but in any case it seems like a thing not to push. If he's comfortable with your current level of intimacy, and you can enjoy it without starting to expect more from him, then by all means, enjoy away. The urge to over-analyse is always strong in these situations. Try to let him be the person he's showing to you - if he's closeted, then that will come out in time. Maybe he's just a Kinsey 1 or 2 or something. You've done the right thing so far - being upfront about how it all impacts you and asking him to keep that in mind - so unless you feel like you want to push the conversation further, I'd say the only thing left is to make up your mind about what you're comfortable with from him. Good luck! Hope it becomes less confusing, the sooner the better.
Yeah - I can relate a lot to this.. he likes the idea of it, but he isn't willing to go through with anything meaningful. I would not get too attached, keep distance, but if you are over at his house, I see no harm in getting a little close. Just don't get up any expectations. I've had a very similar situation happen to me recently.. its nice to know there are nice people out there who don't repel the idea of same sex intamacy huh.. But the more you talk about it and vocally tell him you enjoy it, the more he will move away. Just play it cool - it looks like if anything else you have a good friend.. and making friends is the best part of life
Thanks for the advice guys. As much as I've been thinking about him, I'm going to play it cool. My best girlfriend advised caution snd not to lead myself on, as my feelings may have been heightened by the whole experience, but they were heading in that direction anyway. I sometimes wish people came with easy to read instruction manuals that made these types of situations simple and manueverable with as little heartache as possible. I'm defiantly not going to talk about it too much with him, if at all, because if he starts thinking I'm in love that may just be more than he is able to give me, and I may suffer the loss of a friend. He is love worthy but I have to be realistic. I just don't have the parts he desires.
the bottom line with straight crushes is that no matter how much affection they give you, how many mixed signals, or whatever else goes down, if they are not ready for a gay relationship, they are not ready and you will waste your time and your self esteem waiting for them to "get ready". my advice is that you made your interest known, the guys doesnt' seem to want the same thing, so move on to someone that would want what you want. anything else will be torture for you.
Yeah, its starting to feel that way now. It's only been a few days, and already I'm having those all too familiar feelings that I know aren't going to benefit me in the long run. We've been in touch quite a bit, and I've been thinking about him like crazy. I don't even need to close my eyes to imagine what he feels like, or how he smells. If I was in high school I'd be doodling his name on pieces of paper, or if I was a blogger, I'd be filling out some online message- wait... wait a minute... Oooh boy.:dry: I'm also betting there are many threads like mine that pop up here, and I'm starting to sound like a stereotype. Some of you are probably tired of these threads, heh, but isn't that just the downside of lust and love, and human nature in general. We always want what we cannot have. I'd like to think that I'm emotionally mature enough to not go a tad nuts in the next few weeks, and I refuse to give up my work out buddy and friend over an inability to control myself, but I can see something has really crept in. Damn him for being so irresistible. I don't need help to realize that now its time to start digging myself back out before I wind up in too deep. Thanks for reading along people.
It's not a stereotype. Yeah, it happens, but it's always a little different. And there's a reason it happens, too - when people like the idea of being flirty or intimate with someone of the same sex, but don't actually want to do anything, they're always willing to play into it a little, which is natural. But of course it means something major to us, being gay, and so we get caught up in all these feelings. At least there is a certain amount of comfort to be found in the idea that you're not alone, no? If only! Let me know if you find such a manual. I'll pay you whatever you want for it. :lol: Good luck with things. I really hope everything does work out - keeping a friend is a good thing.
We've spent time together since then. The focus has been on our workouts. Its funny because he keeps telling me that when I'm 'more fit' I'll be able to get with the hot little gym bunnies at the bar, as if he is doing me some sort of favor. Neither one of us as an interest in the 'bar scene' its something we are fully aware of. Its one of the things we like about one another. I've been subtle in suggesting that I have no interest in 'those types of guys' Now that things have settled (in my head), I think I have a more realistic view on what our friendship is. There has been no change in his behavior, so why should I change? Yes I still think he is beautiful, and I think about him throughout the day, but I could honestly care less where he sits on the Kinsey scale, heh, or how confused or not he is. I'm just happy to be this close to him, and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. If things change, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Until then I'm just going to keep a cool head, not expect more than he is willing to give, and when I can, enjoy the body heat of my big firm red teddy. God I love saying that. First and foremost he is a friend, and if anything I could use this experience as a way of managing myself so I don't make future mistakes when a cute straight boy gives me a little extra attention. After all the last one was an utter disaster. I guess this thread is as much about me as it is about him. Thanks for posting.
