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The closet and the rejection of persistent suitors

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by EastYear, Mar 26, 2012.

  1. EastYear

    EastYear Guest

    I've only come out of the closet to a couple people, one of which is my current girlfriend. She is also in the closet, having told only me. We are both female high school freshman. For various social and personal reasons, we have elected not to come out to anybody. We're really happy with our relationship right now, and everything is going smoothly with us.

    The problem lies with a friend of ours, who will be called Ian for the purposes of this exercise. Ian has "liked", for lack of a better word, my girlfriend for a number of months. Before she began dating me, she was interested in him as well. It almost was, but the romance fell apart with a few mistakes, misunderstandings, and minor betrayals on his part. Since then, Ian has directly addressed his feelings a few times, and she has politely turned him down every time. It's been a few weeks since his last proposal, and another one came tonight. She has insisted at least five times that she only wants to be friends, but it seems that he ignores it all.

    At a loss, my girlfriend has asked me to pose this problem to you fine people. Ian is a fairly good friend of ours, and I like him as a person. He just can't take no for an answer. So, I've come to ask if there's anything else she can say (I've been forbidden from interfering). We want to have him clearly understand that she's not interested, in a way that keeps our relationship safe and secret and also doesn't lose his friendship.

    If you guys have any ideas, we'd love to hear them. Thanks a bunch.
     
  2. stupidIvan

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    It sounds she like really needs to just put her foot down. I'd actually advise being a little more aggressive next time he asks her out. Not sugar-coating it, or being nice because of the friendship. This is clearly bothering her, and she just needs to really outline to him that NO, she does not want to go out with him. Period. That should always be enough. Y'all's sexuality does not have to be pulled into the equation at all, so don't worry.

    Remember, if the persistence of Ian ever borders on harassment, telling someone about it is totally fine. Again, there is no need to provide an explanation as to why she won't go out with him. The fact that he is bothering her should be enough.

    Sorry, that's all I could think of!
     
  3. Katelynn

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    It sounds, on one hand, like this guy is really into her. On the other hand, his failure to take what sounds like an already spelled-out dismissal & refusal is getting to the point of bordering on an infatuated obsession. If he continues to keep bothering her, I would suggest to her that she speak with someone about him harrassing her, maybe not the cops, but definitely someone, as his behaviour is sounding like it is harrassing your gf. Perhaps she should make it clear, one last time, in no uncertain terms - No I DONT like you that way, please stop asking our you'll lose me as a friend. If he doesnt get it after that, then have your gf tell someone he's harrassing her. Just my view of the situation, it may not be as serious as Im reading into it...
     
  4. WeirdnessMagnet

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    Ok, although I don't know him, and so making a lot of probably unwarranted assumptions here...

    The issue here seems to be he's sort of stuck in a rut, people often are when it cames to love, relationships and sex. They find a thing that seems to "almost work" and are absolutely certain they just need more of it to succeed. They find a guy/girl that seemingly shows interest, and are so shocked by the discovery that ANYONE finds them in any way attractive, that they honestly believe there's no alternative, they need to go all-in and try and do everything to get them. Or he may be honestly believing that no woman has any right tro say "no" to him. It's sort of the same thing that often makes extreme shyness and insecurity look like extreme arrogance to other people, you can't tell them apart without getting into a person's head...

    Either way, he basically thinks "I did X, and the girl is nice and friendly to me, so if I do more X she'd fall in love with me, even if she's a lesbian."

    So, there are two options here, one easy, but not very nice, and one iffy, but with a potential to do less damage to your friendship.

    1) To break up in as blunt a way as possible (although saying you're a couple is a bad idea. Nothing would hurt a teen boy's ego more than knowing his crush "choose a girl over him," with unpredictable consequences. It's not fair, yes. ) Basically show him that no, persevering with his strategy won't work, no way, not a single chance, it's final, he needs to move on. And as I said this type of break-up tends to destroy friendship (you don't necessarily become hated enemies, just... distant.)

    2) To try and play matchmaker so he'd start dating someone else. As I said, it may be nicer, but heavily depends on your social skills, and well, on whether you know anyone suitable and willing to go along with the scheme.
     
    #4 WeirdnessMagnet, Mar 27, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2012
  5. greeneyes

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    I don't necessarily recommend lying, but she can say she's seeing someone, and if he asks whom, she can say it's a person outside of school/in boarding school/from camp/etc.