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Lesbian attracted to a male, what is this, help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by spacemonkey, Mar 27, 2012.

  1. spacemonkey

    spacemonkey Guest

    Sorry it's so long!! But please, read it, I need help :frowning2:

    I'm a lesbian, 100% know that, kind of wish it weren't that way though.

    I have always lacked a close male role model, father, or whatever. I feel pretty alien around guys, because I was not close with my father and because my father ended up leaving when I was young, I had no brothers or other guys around at all.

    In school, I used to develop this weird attraction to some of my guy teachers where I would want all of their attention as intense as possible, and sometimes that would turn into sexual fantasies. Sex really had nothing to do with it, I just thought that's the only way to get a guy's full attention.

    I'm out of school now, and I met this guy who is slightly older than me and is very protective, treats me like I'm the only thing in the world that is important, and has an older vibe to him. Immediately when I saw him I had this same weird attraction to him where I wanted to just be everything to him. We became good friends, and eventually he admitted he is in love with me.. (Duh... Why else would I hold so much of his attention :frowning2: ). I did tell him I'm a lesbian, more than once, and then this bizarre attraction got so strong and I became so afraid of losing the attention and intense interest he has in me that I told him I wanted more..

    So our friendship is progressing into a relationship, rather quickly. Half of me is thrilled and excited, and the other half of me seems to be threatening with self harm stemming from deep guilt and shame from doing something that feels so not me, so wrong, so misleading to a beautiful friend, so evil! What the hell am I doing?

    This guy I feel is very in love with me, and although I have this really fucked up sexual attraction to him, after we get more intimate, even just touching and kissing, I feel this horrible feeling that I must self destruct because the situation that i'm letting us go into involves so much loss on both sides..... If I just keep faking it, pulling this guy in, half enjoying it and half hating myself so intensely. When it gets to this point, it does not feel rewarding during or afterwards, it feels awkward and twisted because he is at a point where he is lost in a world of love (can see it right on his face) and I am here wondering how the hell I let it get here, awkward, there's no same feeling to hold onto.

    The worst part is that I'm terrified to lose his attention, and I fear that will happen if I stop doing this. I guess it will mock the feeling of losing a father again. But he is even better than my father ever could be at being there for me. He is one of the best friends I've ever had, Is that just because he's in love with me? Maybe.... Ever since I met him I have been doing so much better, progressing with things, depression less anxiety less, totally different life, and agh..WHAT DO I DO...I know what I should do but both ways are so painful!

    Also this is my only friend... because I suffer with anxiety. If I lose him, I lose the only good friend I have, or have had, since 7 years. The scariest part of all of this is hurting him. I feel like I'd rather disappear, or die, than hurt him. I'm his only good friend, his last friend died in an accident years ago and ever since he has become somewhat of a recluse... Add on top of that he is addicted to hard drugs, and now that he has love, is barely ever using, so what would happen if I cut it off.....
     
    #1 spacemonkey, Mar 27, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2012
  2. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Sounds to me like you're a biromantic lesbian.

    If you definitely, 100% without a doubt cannot be sexually attracted to a man, you have to call it off here, it won't be harming him it will be saving him before it gets even more serious and he falls for you even harder.
     
  3. GayJay

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    I think your emotional connection with this guy is a hell of a lot stronger than any physical relationship. But i get what you mean before coming out to anyone i dated guys just to blend in. I have never had a father figure or anything either so i always went for caring and protective guys even though i actually had no feelings for them. I wanted the security rather than a relationship. The whole part of them being older than me drawed me in to, i now realize this because of their maturity level being higher than mine so i always had that 'safe' feeling being with them.
    Or maybe your not a lesbian, just pansexual/bisexual. I don't think you should try and define it at an early age, just go with what feels right until you are fully sure.
    There are loads of different reasons of why you could feel thins way.
    But if this guy does love you he will understand you just don't feel that way about guys, also don't you think its better to let him know you just want to be close friends rather than have any intimate relationship. You cant play him like that, its not fair.
    Imagine the situation flipped around, would you want him to play you like your doing, or tell you.
    The guy i was like this with fully understood when i sat down with him and explained. He is now still my older friend, a man there when i want to get away from being around all women all the time and my agony aunt. Him being older and me not having a father, he advises me in a loving, caring way without actually being in love with me.

    I hope this helped.
     
  4. amwm2wm3

    Regular Member

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    Well, you honestly sound like you have other things to work through, but I wanted to say that sexuality is a lot more fluid than some think.
    I'm a lesbian. But I fell in love with a man. It's weird, but it happens.
    So, if you love him, go with it. If you don't, it's time to stop before the both of you get hurt worse.
    Good luck!
     
  5. LimePopsicle

    LimePopsicle Guest

    I'd have to pretty much agree with Zairo. But I'm not so sure completely.

    You sound like you just want someone to fill that father role that you lacked as a kid. And this guy is filling it. You could honestly have an actual attraction to HIM, or you could just be attracted to what he's offering you; a male role model. If the second one is the case and you have no other attraction to him, it may be best to get out of the relationship. You'll only be doing more damage in the long run if you keep this up.

    Sorry if this no help at all. I'm like a brain surgeon; I give advice, but haven't really had the chance to use it. Brain surgeons can't do surgery on themselves. See what I'm saying?
     
  6. spacemonkey

    spacemonkey Guest

    biromatic lesbian is a person that can have emotional attachments to both sexes but sexual attraction only to girls?

    Okay... I agree with you. Needed somebody to say it, so I appreciate it

    ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2012 at 06:20 PM ----------

    Man, you're so right. If it were flipped, I would not want him to go on with it, that would be horrible, so I know what I have to do then, thanks, your post helped a lot, I hope I can still retain that kind of friendship you have with your friend

    ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2012 at 06:22 PM ----------

    Hm I'll have to think about that one. Attracted to him vs. just the role. I think I am more attracted to the role, but at the same time feel a non-sexual love for him as a friend..

    ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2012 at 06:25 PM ----------

    Lol this is the thought that is weighing on the opposite side. I originally jumped into this with this thought, that it is possible, that it is worth seeing if it works! Becuase what if I can grow something for him, or what if I do miss him and realize I liked him more than I thought, or etc. Can emotional love grow so large that it makes up for gender? I feel almost that it could. Also, I can't tell whether I love him or not.
    I think what I will do is let him know of all of this mess-of-feelings, not take the option off, but let him know that right now we need to stay as friends until I sort out this mess. Thank you guys
     
  7. Jessica816

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    This sounds a lot like me, almost to a T!

    I'm very much a gay woman, yet ill take attention from anyone. It had a lot to do with my past, I always need to feel someone's love and attention. It doesn't matter female or male. I went thru one of the most confusing times when I met a guy I thought I could be with. Turns out that I just enjoyed the attention he gave to me. I thought I could love him and in my head I thought that would make me normal...

    It took me months and a lot of night trying to figure exactly what was going on. In your situation it sounds like your trying to make up for lost time, a father figure a important part of life for some women. So the older more mature guys provide a feeling of safety. Idk I'm sure none of this is making since.

    If you can honestly say that your in love with him, then I say go for it and take a chance and see what happens.
     
  8. spacemonkey

    spacemonkey Guest

    I'm elated to hear i'm not the only one who has gone through a similar situation!
    This is such a hard situation, becuase 50% of me really wishes I love him him and 50% of me knows that I don't. I love him as a person, emotionally, every way, I used to have sexual fantasies about him but not anymore.... I was once very sexually attracted to him but only when I didn't know him well, probably because he fit the 'role' i'm looking for better before I knew him. Now I still am but minorly, and I think it's only because I haven't been with a girl. Either way there is still such a strong emotional attachment that it's hard to be away from him. But yes, it's that feeling of safety that you talk about! Exactly, maybe i'm going through the same thing you went through. Thanks for your post
     
    #8 spacemonkey, Mar 27, 2012
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  9. Jessica816

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    No problem anytime you need someone to talk or someone to just listen don't hesitate to find me. It's always nice to know that your not alone with things like this
     
  10. TroubledRyan

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    Completly agree. Most people aren't 100% gay or straight (Though many people would like to say they are). Their is absolutly nothing wrong with that. If the only thing stoping you from being happy with him is the fact that you label yourself as a 100% lesbian, you can work threw that. However if their is more, you may want to work it out, maybe he can even help. He obviously cares about you.
     
  11. spacemonkey

    spacemonkey Guest

    You're sweet, i'll most likely take you up on that

    ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2012 at 10:36 PM ----------

    I feel it is not the label that holds me back but the feelings of mistake, awkwardness, and non-unanimous-ness when I'm with him. For instance, I can tell that he is in a different world of love completely when I'm with him.... At the same time I miss him more than ever when I'm away from him! Biromantic, I did not know that existed, and am leaning towards it.I am keeping your words in mind, and believe what you say as well
     
    #11 spacemonkey, Mar 27, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2012
  12. spacemonkey

    spacemonkey Guest

    So here is what happened with this unusual situation!

    We got a little bit lovey dovey, and I went with it, just to test really and see if there was anything there. So there was kissing, and last night there was almost sex, but it didn't get to that because he stopped it, not feeling right about it because it could ruin our friendship. Thank god he did that, because after reading a lot of posts on here and on google about other lesbians who are attracted to guys, I realized that after the hormones were gone, I'd probably feel detached and like all the attraction is gone. The "okay, i'm done," *get up walk away* type of feeling rather than the *stay in bed and cuddle I still love you* kind of feeling. I read somewhere that there are 3 types of attraction that play into uhhm, attraction. 1. Sexual attraction, this one is obvious, 2. romantic attraction, which i gather is that energetic resonance and respect, the emotional connection and admiration and all that, and 3. spousal attraction, wanting them as your spouse. Looking at this situation, all I can say that I had for this guy was sexual attraction. Romantic attraction, often looked at as the most important (IMO) was not there.

    Now I'm trying to figure out why i'm so sexually attracted to this guy, but it's not even important. I still know that I am 100% lesbian. Honestly, I have other problems, like love-shyness and social anxiety, and I think my attraction to him was mainly based off of, dare I say, intimacy deprivation. Deprivation of human closeness... Mixed with father issues... Or at least that's what made me pursue it so much.

    I'm very glad that he stopped it before it went farther than it needed to, and am settling on him as just a good friend (he is an amazing person, I mean what kind of guy (who is a virgin...with a high sex drive) stops something like that with their rational mind? I mean damn, we were so close, even I couldn't do that ha!) I'm happy with being that and have learned SO MUCH about myself and others (like... that I do want a relationship). I've also overcome a lot of my trust issues through this experience. I feel a little foolish, but as I said I learned a lot, if I could not be attracted to that guy more than sexually, then there is no guy that will hook me, I can only fall in love with a girl, bam, settled, worked out great
     
    #12 spacemonkey, Apr 13, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2012
  13. alwayshope11

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    I was in a similar situation...I dated a girl for a year and a half and was in love with her. However, there always seemed to be problems sexually n I sometimes found myself thinking of guys and not always wanting to get into sexual situations for fear of not being able to perform. I broke up with her because I realized I needed to figure out more about my sexuality before i could be in a relationship. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but it was the right thing I hope. A problem I have now is that when I masturbate to gay porn, etc. I feel guilty/gross after even though I like it a lot during...but I'm thinking that's my subconscious n I wish I knew how to fix that. I can imagine having always defined yourself as a lesbian and having these feelings, cuz I'm dealing with the opposite..I never let myself explore my gay feelings unless with porn and now I go to therapy for help.
     
  14. Alexandria

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    I take a different view ---

    Your human. Plain and simple. Lesbian, gay, they are nothing but titles. You will meet men you find attractive, and women too. Far too many people clutch onto the titles, then cant figure out what the hell to do when they find themselves in a situation that disagrees with said title.

    If you like him -- so WHAT? Go with it. Same in reverse. How can you be sure that you and he wouldnt be right for one another, and you are writing him off just to hold to a title?

    Far as I am concerned, everyone is Bi -- most just deny it. But that is just my opinionated little opinion though.
     
  15. Eww

    Eww Guest

    One word to solve your troubles: honesty.