I was born and brought up in India. For me, it getting confusing day by day. When I was child , I only had gay feelings. I was gay .... no confusion. I had what I found out now as "Trichopholia" - specifically in my case arousal by a particular kind of hairstyle in man. But when I reached age of 12-13 I started behaving like a girl and people in school started teasing me.. just not students even teachers used to tease me .. used to feel miserable ... cried to myself so many times .... did not have the guts to express my feelings to anyone ... I so wanted to be "normal' .... I was a gay even in the thought process ... before I sleep I used to assume myself to be weak .. and strong man .would come and protect me .... I enjoyed such thoughts .... One day .... when I was 15 ... I went and sat beside few of my classmates when one of them said "Dint sit beside us ... people will think bad about us " and everyone started laughing ... I was disgusted myself that I tried to make myself hard imagining a woman .. and finally one night ... I got aroused imagining a girl next door .... and that was it .. from that time I only tried masturbating imagining women .. I used forcefully snub my feelings for men ... and surprisingly slowly that brought in a change in the thought process... before i sleep .... I used to be hero .. saving a girl from being attacked by goons By the time I joined college .... my personality took 360 degree turn ... may be coz I deliberately tried to turn myself straight ..I was almost the new macho man of my college .... guys used to compliment my macho-ness ... I used to be flattered ..even that time ... beneath all this cocoon I've created for myself projecting myself to be an "extremely" straight person... I used to fantasize about men occasionally and then used to feel bad about it later .... so from then on there was no turning back ... I used consider myself the "hero" ... girls started hitting one me ..... I used to hit on them too .. but fell short of getting committed coz deep down inside I knew who I am .... Time started flying I started enforcing these "straight" feelings of mine time and again .... I travelled to the US for higher education... Here again "straight" me was having "straight" fun with my "straight" friends ... when I was among friends .. sub-consciously I always used to be straight wanting to nail a female ..... the "gay" me used to come up occasionally only when I in from of my laptop ... and after I am done masturbating I used to feel very guilty about myself ... and do another 3 rounds of maturbation looking at female to compensate that effect .... I always imagined m future as a straight and married One day I went to strip club in the US ..... to my surprise I had no arousal during a lap dance when my friends were talking of ejaculation ... I felt frustrated I went to my bathroom and started maturbating imagining that girl and I got heavy arousal and erection ..... I took a lap dance several times and I saw the same effect... ... it kept me little worrried ..... but I carried on with my life as usual "straight" Among all these events I never realized that I enforced this personality onto myself not impress girls but get accepted in the "boys" society .... so sub-consciously I used to flatter myself more when boys used consider me "hero" than girls .... I used to enjoy the company of "buddies" having straight fun than by chatting romantically with a girl.... Though I enjoyed sitting around with group of "straight" friends and having a gala time .... the idea of getting romantically involved with guys never crossed my mind .. it always appeared weird to me ... romance .. kiss ... cuddling ... in my mind ....thats only for girls In the meantime , one night when I was in Dallas I got totally aroused and hooked up with a guy ... once I was in act I was not really enjoying sex ... neither the kiss .. nor the hug .... nor the boy ... as I previously said ...I was mainly attracted to hairstyle .. even that did not really arouse me ... it looked like I enjoyed looking at it and masturbating rather doing it .... after the episode was over .. i carried on with my life ... thinking of a future with a beautiful girl with my mind ..... when suddenly it seemed like I fell for a guy .... it was all normal in the starting ... we became close buddies ... and suddenly I started feeling jealous when he hit on a girl ... and in retaliation ... I started hitting on her ... it pissed him off .. we had a heavy fight and we stopped talking .... after that I tried to talk to him so many times and told him it hurts if he doesn't talk ... he asked me "If I was a gay".. after a few days of requesting ... I came to terms with fact that "I was in love".. and that was the first time I was actually in love ....that moment I understood why people get so crazy with this emotion ... I went through a 3 - month breakup- phase ... I finally recouped ... but the question I have been asking myself lately --- "Am I gay". Can anyone help me out? I am not able to make a decision ... I dont mind living my life a gay .. I can somehow convince people around me ... its just that i want to be sure ... I have to mention I was never sexually attracted to guy I was in love.... its just that I felt he'll make a very good friend for life ...
I'm so sorry for the bullying you endured by your peers and teachers, as well, no one should ever have to go through that. To me, it seems like you have conditioned your mind and body to like women, which is really damaging. You cannot force yourself to like someone you're not attracted to, it only will cause more confusion. By hiding who you are, you've created some sort of fantasy life, which is fine, but it's not reality. You're clearly not being yourself, conforming to fit in with other guys as a macho man may have made you feel better then, but what about now? There are plenty of macho gay men out there, so being ”macho” doesn't make you any less gay. I'm not really aware of arousal by hairstyle, but then again, you may be gay with a preference of really nice hair. I'm sorry if I couldn't be of much help, you may need to seek professional help, preferably someone who specializes in LGBT issues.
Thanks for your reply .... really needed this ...I am past that pain of bullying ... I am comfortable with my life and society .... I'll contact a psychologist as soon as I can to understand better....
