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A Typical Tale of Hiding Out in the Closet

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Graffiti, Mar 28, 2012.

  1. Graffiti

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    As typical of a story it is, I don't even know where to start. I'm not even sure I want support or advise as much as I want to just get everything off of my chest.

    I'm twenty years old and in Mississippi. I was brought up the way any "normal" kid from the South would be. Ya know, in the church, always around family, Larry, the Cable Guy is the only comedian worth noting, no news is real news unless it's Fox News, and quite frankly I detest it. The few times I'm with or around my family these days- I've, for whatever, started to distance myself from them- I sit back and I noticed how much I don't fit in with any of them, at all. I'm still a Christian, and I still believe in God, but I'm most certainly not a Republican, I wholeheartedly support equality, I'm a firm believer in pro-choice and, since this is the South, a majority of any friends I've ever had have been black.

    Oh, and the obvious, I'm gay, or bi. I really don't even know anymore. Hindsight being twenty-twenty, I should have known I was "different" when I was six. Britney Spears was the first singer I've early loved, and still do, I'd much rather play with the Pink Power Ranger rather than the Red, and of course, stealing my grandmother's JC Penny catalog for the three pages of shirtless men in briefs. It wasn't until I was fourteen or fifteen that I started to "accept" being gay. I say "accept," because, as far as I remember, I never went through a phase of "Why me?" or "I can't be gay." I still don't think I have, honestly. At least, not blatantly, but I digress. By then, I started experimenting with porn and it was almost always gay. On the rare occasion it was straight porn, I'd always pay more attention to the guy than the girl.

    And now, at twenty years old, I'm still watching gay porn and I love it. If I see an attractive guy, I get excited. Obviously, I'm gay, right? But starting last year, I noticed that, every once in a while, I'd be attracted to a girl. Granted this would be few and far between, it would still happen. I'd still get excited and I'd still have a fantasy or two before it was right back to thinking about men again.

    On top of being whatever the hell that I am, I've developed a constant fear of death over the past year. Though, it's not so much a fear of dying as much as it is a question of, because I'm gay, or bi, and a Christian, where am I going? You can only imagine the torture I went through last year when one Harold Camping came out, claiming the rapture was neigh.

    Then, there's my family. My parents got divorced when I was really young, around five or six, maybe seven. Aside from a phone call once a year, if that, I have no relationship with my mother, or anyone from her side of my family for that matter. My dad I don't have much of a relationship either, no idea why, honestly, we just started to fade apart over the past five years. I'm currently living with my dad, but for most of my life, I lived with my grandmother. She's very near and dear to me, one of the few, if not the only, rocks in my life. Then there are my cousins, who I look up to like the siblings I never had, and my aunts and uncles that I could almost pass off as extended parents.

    I often wonder how they'll take the news if and when I eventually make my way out of the closet. They more or less disowned one of my cousins for marrying a black woman. Well, they didn't, so much as my grandfather who is now dead, but there's still obvious tension between this one cousin and the rest of my family over this. He hardly ever comes around. Ironically enough, for as unsure as I am on everyone else reactions, I'm positive this cousin would be the one to have the negative reaction.

    And then, sometimes I wonder if some of them don't already know I'm gay, or at least have an idea. Just recently, in the midst of a family conversation, my uncle turns to me, in the process of giving his wife a playing ribbing, and says, jokingly, "Women are just too complicated. I'm gonna turn gay, what do you think about that?" I smiled and shrugged it off, telling him 'whatever,' to which he responded with, "Would you still like me?" Of course, I told him. Everyone in my family loves football, except for me, of course, and when we're at a family function, last year's Thanksgiving for example, my cousin leans over to me and she whispers about how hot one of the players was. And once, having lunch with my grandmother, she, embarrassingly enough, asked if I saw any girls I liked. I quickly changed the subject as she smirked, saying, "You're not looking at any of the boys, are you?"

    Recently, I've started to get really anxious regarding a soap opera, "Days of our Lives." My grandmother, three of my aunts, and one of cousins, one who I look up to eminently as the big brother I've never had, all watch this show and have for years. One of the legacy characters, one that is suppose to be my age, is going through a "coming out" story line and, watching it myself, I instantly noticed a number of similarities regarding myself and this character. An unfortunate upbringing, a disdain towards both of his parents, acting out, temper tantrums, an overall awkwardness. Sometimes I fear, sometimes I hope, they'll make a connection as quick as I did.

    Couple all of this with constant anxiety that has developed a psychosomatic disorder (I've literally been to five different doctors in three months for a plethora of symptoms, x-rays and blood tests included that have all come back perfectly normal) and you've got bad times all around.
     
  2. Mlpguy88

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    Welcome to EC first of all :slight_smile:

    I understand what it's like to live in the closet and at the same time feel like there are so many other things in life to worry about, it's frustrating. But really, stick around EC for a while, it really helps.
     
  3. TroubledRyan

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    Welcome to EC! Perfect place to vent :slight_smile:.

    First, I would like to start out with the whole gay, straight, bi tags. What i have come to learn is that those 3 words can not sum up a persons entire sexualality. I see it more as a percentage. 100 things to pick between is more distinct comapred to 3. But does a title really matter? You like guys more than you like girls, but you still like girls alittle. The tag is not as important as you accepting the fact that you like guys more than girls.

    I can compare to you about the religion, and fear of the after life due to it. The most important thing is your bond with god, not what other people say about gay people being Christians. What their opinion is, is not relivent to you. Your beliefs are yours. So think about your own bond with god rather than other Christians ideals. I personally don't see how I'm in the wrong for likeing men and ebign Christian, why would anyopne chose to be looked down on by a large part of society. its something that can't be controled.

    As for your family, I'm sorry that you lost relationship with your mother and father. But you seem very happy and content with you other family, so I'm glad for you. It also seems like they may be hinting towards you being gay, and I really don't think they would have a problem with it from what you have said in this post, but over all i do not know your family and can't truely make that call. If their is someone in your family (or even friend) that you really trust and you know they can keep your secret you can confide in them about your feelings. having someone to talk to in person is really helpful. People arent meant to hold in so many emotions...it rips you apart.
     
  4. Chip

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    I concur with Troubled Ryan. I think your family knows, and is sort of gently hinting that they know. And you can bet that if two or three of them have already hinted... they haven't all discussed it at some point.

    Now... because they are hinting doesn't mean they'll embrace it with open arms initially, but I don't think they'll go ballistic. Of course, when/if to tell them is totally up to you, but I think you could do so, and they'd (at least after a bit of time) be OK with it.