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Odd relationship advice. Please don't judge...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lindsey, Mar 28, 2012.

  1. lindsey

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    Okay, here's the deal and please don't be cruel. Around two years ago I became really close with my cousin. Prior to this I hadn't really known her, but she moved closer to where I live, and now we're like best friends. I love her with all my heart, but like someone loves a friend; I've just never really thought of her as family. I got out of my first relationship with a girl about a year ago and recently she came out to me and told me she's had a crush on me since she moved here. I know it's odd because we're cousins, but in my sociology class we were discussing mating across family and it's only so taboo now because when unhealthy people breed across family it can cause birth defects. And being girls, healthy at that, we can't breed anyway. Not only that but cousins aren't actually considered incest anyway. I looked it up. I love her. I do. I've loved her for a year and knowing she feels the same, and has fora while, is the best feeling in the world. This isn't some petty lust thing about sex. We really do care about each other. Would it be wrong for us to at least try at a relationship?
     
  2. TroubledRyan

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    I personally don't see a huge problem in it. however, alot (most) of society does have a problem with that. Most people will see it as incest, even though it may not literally be incest...people are ignorant like that. So not only would they see incest, they would see lesbian incest. In a way its 2 things that a large portion of society looks down on, together.

    I would just advise being very descrite about it. Watch out for who you tell, that kind of stuff.
     
  3. Gravity

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    No judging here either. If you're happy, then god knows there have been bigger problems and roadblocks for relationships before.

    I've often suspected, actually, that gay sexuality tends to be more fluid on incestuous taboos, possibly because we're already "violating" a social norm, and then, as you say, there's the issue that we don't directly produce offspring anyway. Historically incest taboos tended to have to do with a father figure's ability to control the women in his family (the son can't have sex with his sister because she's mine right now), which is (ideally) something that happens less today anyways.

    Personally, I wouldn't mind in the slightest, but as already said here, some people will probably be put off by it. Unfortunately, the idea of just not telling people about it is tantamount to "closeting" part of your relationship, so the only real issue I see is that it will come with that extra emotional and social baggage. But then, that's the dilemma of every gay relationship to begin with. So if you're ready to deal with the reactions of the less open-minded, then go for it.
     
  4. Alex25

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  5. Ridiculous

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    As far as I'm concerned, I think it's pretty awful to deny anyone a relationship. Provided everyone involved is genuinely consenting, then it's fine by me whatever it is.

    Obviously some things should be off-limits, mainly reproducing due to medical concerns as you mentioned... but of course that isn't an issue in this case.

    As others have said above you may want to be discrete. I wouldn't even bother telling people you are cousins.
     
  6. ArcherySet

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    There are 2 ways to look at your situation. Some people would say that what you are feeling is wrong. My own personal feelings regarding the coupling would be determined on how close the blood relation is. Is she a distant cousin? For some it is an uncomfortable matter that is very taboo, and you should consider this. It may not be a path you wish to take.

    On the other hand, something else to consider is that we live in a world where husbands beat their wives. Men kill their kids over family honor. People all over the world lie, cheat, steal, hurt, torture, betray, rape and murder one another every day for their own selfish needs. The world is full of hate. They are extreme examples, and yet, very real examples of the nature of people.

    So if you have a chance at love, and you're willing to accept that some may frown upon it, I say, go for it, and take care of yourself and those that love you. Just be prepared for people not being as open minded as those you may find here, and some of the most vocally against you, may be those closest to you now.
     
    #6 ArcherySet, Mar 29, 2012
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  7. Nykoru

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    Just popping in for a note about incest :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: The social problem is derived from the fact that related people share some of the same recessive genes (not just things like blond hair, but genes relating to whether or not your body can actually produce vital enzymes and structural proteins). The more-closely related two mating individuals are, the more recessive genes they have in common, and the higher the risk that their offspring will have at least one of these vital genes... but no functioning dominant gene to keep them alive. So, from a biological and reproductive stance, the taboo against incest is very important, particularly in families that already express a lot of recessive genes, harmful or not. As such, even first cousins are affected, and it's a taboo that society isn't likely to let go of any time soon - if ever.

    Just using my uni-bio stuff to prep for an exam and hopefully be helpful :wink: I'm not saying that your first cousin is off-limits, just that the taboo is legitimate and has likely saved the human species several times already XD Take it into account, but it doesn't need to be the sole deciding factor.
     
  8. greeneyes

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    How related are you? First cousin? Once removed? Regardless it's not even close to as creepy as the twin brother thing (though I'm a twin so I'm biased). It's not like you lived together forever or something, or where your relationship is really weird because of it and shifting roles. Especially since you weren't close until you recently moved.

    Funnily enough there's a movie about this with the girl from Loving Annabelle (I forget the title).

    I do have an important question though - is this either of your first girl experiences? I don't know how old you are either. You may want to wait on going down this road. I also don't know if either of you are out, and this might not be the best way to do so. That said it depends on your situation. I live in NY which is not a close tight knit community of judgment.
     
  9. lindsey

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    Okie dokie, thank you guys for all the advice. We're both seventeen and we've both been with girls before. She's completely out and I'm fairly closeted. As far as blood, our grandfather is the only thing we have in common. My father and her mother have the same dad but not the same mom. Thanks again :slight_smile:
     
  10. PianoNate

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    Well, I'm gonna add my two cents here ... not that there's much sense to it.

    My first sexual experiences were with my male cousin. So, you're not alone. And even though there was no penetration or even any oral, they're still really fond memories for me.
     
  11. Zaio

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    Of course we don't judge here! Don't be silly :slight_smile:

    I think incest between family is perfectly fine as long as they can't breed, if you can't ruin a childs life by giving it birth defects then I see no problem with it except 2...

    1. Society will not like it... AT ALL, to them it's bad enough that you're gay (to them, not us) let alone being in a relationship with a relative.

    2. What if it ends badly? Do you want it to be incredibly awkward to be around a relative? You can change your friends, but you can't change your family, there will be no escaping this if it ends badly, so think it through.

    Good luck :slight_smile: all the best
     
  12. Valeyard

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    This ^, and If you're both seventeen, there shouldn't be much of a developmental issue. I don't see a huge problem if you've both been with girls before.
     
  13. insidehappy

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    i guess to each his own. my thing is that there's tons of people out there that are not family members that you can both focus on.

    with that said, this is not really unusual. i know of people who have had sexual relations with their cousins (straight). i also have heard that it is common for kids to mess around with eah ohter (family members in an effort to explore). unfortunately a lof to sexual abuse is at the hand of an older cousin on a younger kid too. also, people married their cousins back in the day. but personally i just think it would add too much additional complications to an already complicated orientation. i've heard straight people joke aroudn about "wow, there were some girls at my family reunion that if weren't related i would want to get with her..." so i guess its not as uncommon as what one would think but people keep it a secret like most things taboo
     
  14. Jim1454

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    These were my thoughts too. Our first crush can sometimes be pretty overwhelming - and even though you say you've both been with other girls before, there still might be something there.

    Also, the relationship is a very convenient one for you. You would be able to see her as often as you wanted and you wouldn't need to come out. Is that possibly a driver?

    If you were out you'd have an entire world of potential partners available to you. Would your cousin remain your first choice?

    Straight or gay, there's something profound about finding a partner and creating your own 'family' - even if it's just the two of you. In this situation you're not really doing that...
     
  15. lindsey

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    I live in a pretty small town, and being gay is really frowned upon. That's why I'm not out. There are a lot of hate crimes towards gays at my school. Plus my parents would go nuts. My sister in college knows and works in student affairs, including their GBLT programs. That's how I met my last two girlfriends. And when I said the she moved closer, I meant an hour and a half away. Convenience is a factor, but one working against me. We don't even go to the same school. And I know there are hundreds of other girls out there and by no means do I believe she's' "the one" because I don't believe in that concept. But I do love her. I've loved her for a year. I'm sure I could get over it her time, but I don't want to. She's my best friend and I feel stronger about her than either of the other girls I was with.
     
  16. greeneyes

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    I agree with Jim - it still sounds rather convenient - even if you weren't cousins, even if you weren't somewhat close (yes it's sort of far but you have an excuse to go see her because she's your friend and your cousin), you're both in the closet, and on top of that in a LGBT-unfriendly atmosphere.
     
  17. sweetiebee

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    There's nothing inherently wrong about the kind of love you describe. Acting on it has its issues, although obviously the genetic abnormalities thing isn't a problem which is good. You just need to carefully, thoughtfully weigh up if you could both deal with the double prejudice you would inevitably encounter, and if your relationship is strong enough to withstand that.

    Also, if it didn't work out you'd never be able to move on from the person. They are family; you'd always be reminded of their existence. Have you thought any about how it would feel if you went for it and it just didn't work?