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Am I Making a Huge Mistake?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Kev, Mar 29, 2012.

  1. Kev

    Kev
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    So not too long ago I told my best friend that I was in love with him. He said that our friendship would be no different because of it (and it hasn't been). But the problem is that I'm crazy about him. Just being around him makes me so happy, but then I become so miserable because I know there's no chance of us ever being together. It also doesn't help that I get very jealous of his girlfriend (I can't even be around them when their together).

    Anyways, I told him that it's best for me if we don't be friends anymore. I just don't know if that really is the best decision. I've never been so conflicted in my life and I know I'll be miserable if we're no longer friends. We've been great friends for 6 years. But I need to stop gushing over him and I really don't know what else to do.

    I'm supposed to talk to him later about this whole mess. I did talk to him a little over the phone, but I'd prefer to talk to him face to face.

    Am I being stupid, melodramatic, or is this really the best for me? Help! :tears:
     
  2. insidehappy

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    i think you are being honest. its hard having a crush on someone that can never return the feelings. it actually hurts to have them around because they are so great and nice and you keep wishing you can be with someone like them and because you are emotionally tied up in them, you actually never put yourself out there to meet anyone else that can actually be a great person for you. so you have to create separation. i have found that with the crushes i had, that worked. and i also found that when they were not constantly in my face or in communication with me i thought of them less. it never really goes away though for the ones you really really really really like. it does go away but you still always have feelings for them, they are just put in a box and in better perspective. i think he will understand. do not get mad at him or angry when you talk about it just be honest and say that its unhealthy for you and that you have to get over him. do not be emotional though. he is straight. he cannnot like you so do not make it into a "break up". just keep it light and to the point.
     
  3. Kev

    Kev
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    Thanks for the advice, insidehappy.

    But, after talking to him and taking some time to think I realize I'd be a fool to end such an amazing friendship. I have too many great memories with him and there's no way I would cut him out of my life over feelings that I don't want to have. It'd be different if he felt uncomfortable around me, but he doesn't. He's understanding and he's willing to work with me on this. :slight_smile:
     
  4. I was in a very, very similar situation recently, except that my ... ex-buddy lacked a girlfriend. It turned out as bad as things can get, and I wish I was able to severe the relationship earlier to avoid everything that followed. But there's probably a great difference between our situations. In my situation, I realize in retrospect that I was being used and taken advantage of, and that I was too blind to do anything about it.

    I understand 100% that it hurts to see your friend with his girlfriend--completely. But you definitely deserve somebody who loves you back in every way. I do think it would be a shame to end a good friendship, but my relationship was toxic. I'm embarrassed to suggest this, but I really want you to make the right decisions--are you sure that he's a great friend, and that you're not just too blind to see otherwise right now? In case you're curious, my toxic, once "magical" friendship ended with a court hearing. I'll leave it at that. Take care!
     
    #4 phospholipase, Mar 30, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2012
  5. Gravity

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    If it's something that's really making things hard for you, then no, you're not being melodramatic. Of course, it would be ideal if you could get past it and just be friends, but that's sometimes easier said than done.

    In your case, since you've been friends for so long, it would be a shame if you couldn't hang around him anymore, but you have to take care of yourself, too. One of my pieces of advice in this situation is to remember that he's not perfect for you, because he's not gay. If a woman had a huge crush on you, how would you feel? You would know you couldn't be the boyfriend she would want. It's the same for him - there's really nothing he can do to fill the role you fantasize about him occupying.

    Try going on a couple dates, or spending some time with his girlfriend. If they're serious, and he's a nice guy, then she's probably not so bad, and getting to be friends with her might help you see the situation from more sides than just your own, which may in turn help you get over your feelings for your friend.

    Best of luck! I know it's hard, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Alex25

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    If you value your friendship, you should compartmentalize the fantasy you've built up of a romantic relationship with him. You can't be a friend if you're always second-guessing your reactions to him or trying to fit yourself into a mold that you think might bring him around. And if you're not doing that yet, you will soon enough. And then you'll get angry with him for not being what you wish he was. Save both of you the trouble and step back now. Part of being mature is not giving in to every emotion, however seductive.
     
  7. JRNagoya

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    It's not an easy situation having the object of your affection dangling right in front of you, yet perpetually out of reach. He sounds like a great friend so I wouldn't recommend cutting all times to him. Friends of that caliber are rare and should be treasured. I'll add one thing I don't think anyone else has mentioned. Don't let your feelings for your friend get between him and his girlfriend, nor blame her or retaliate against her for simply existing. I know it's really hard as you picture her being the ultimate barrier to the life you desire with your best friend, but it's not her fault. Far too often good friendships are ruined because someone got between the couple and stepped out of bounds. If she was mistreating or disrespecting him constantly, that would be one thing. If she is an excellent girlfriend who's taking good care of him, respect that and your friend will love you for it. You'll need to put your feelings aside and maybe get to know her better and not see her as competition.

    As for how to deal with your emotions concerning your friend, best advice I can give is to find some outside activities and not dwell on what you don't have. When I fell for a co-worker one time (a girl, go figure), I couldn't stop looking at her and thinking about her all the time, but she was in a bad time in her life and a relationship would have been completely wrong. The only thing that helped was to stop going to her parties, going out with our circle of friends so often, and just putting distance between us. I still think of her fondly now, but I realize it was also very good I never pursued this. I hope you're able to keep your friendship, but please be careful with what you decide to do.
     
  8. greeneyes

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    I wouldn't necessarily run back just yet. This may not be a full break up but a break. Give yourself some time - this doesn't mean that your friendship is ruined. And I agree with the comments above.
     
  9. Caoimhe Fayre

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    it sounds like your friend is understanding, can you just tell him that you are having a difficult time with things and just get some space for a while without ruining the friendship completely? He sounds like, from what you've said, he'd understand that you just need some time to get over your attraction to him.
     
  10. Spectre

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    Start dating. Join local LGBT clubs if you can. Find another 'object' for your affection.
     
  11. Kev

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    Thanks everyone for all the help and advice. I do plan on taking a break from him to help myself, but I'm not cutting him out of my life. I'm going to focus more on my hobbies and meeting other gay men. :slight_smile:

    Plus, I decided to make a pros and cons list of having feelings for him. I had no pros! Writing it out helped a lot.