Not really looking for advice...just support and hugs, I guess.

Well, I guess I'll start with what started my downward spiral today... After I came back home from dropping my sister off at college today, I signed onto my computer and checked my e-mail as usual. And in my inbox sat yet another job application rejection e-mail. On top of that, I'm worried about a friend who has expressed suicidal thoughts in the past, but I have no other way to contact him except through Facebook...and I found out today that he deleted his Facebook. And we hadn't been in contact for awhile, so I'm worried about that especially since he wasn't doing too well since we last talked. I'm still suffering from insomnia, and I can only seem to fall asleep during the daytime...unfortunately, I'm unemployed and still living with my mother, and she expects the house to be spotless when she comes home, so I barely get 2 or 3 hours of sleep a day. I tried explaining it to her, but she just thinks I'm being lazy and making excuses. Also, I found out today that my cousin got hired at my old job, so....it kinda sucks. It just seems as if everyone around me keeps getting happy news, but I just seem to get bad news on a daily basis. I also got something in the mail today...my phone bill is way past due, and they're going to report me to a credit bureau...so I have to deal with that in addition to the massive overdraft fee from my previous bank. In addition to all that happening today, life is just sucky in general. I'm unemployed and can't seem to find a job, even though I got income taxes back this year, I've spent almost all of it on gas money to drive my sister back and forth, and when I ask for gas money, she just complains and gripes and tells me that I need to stay in the waiting room all 9 hours of her school time to just wait till she gets out so she can save money...not to mention that my home life sucks big time. I'm just a butt monkey to my family...my mother is constantly calling me lazy and comparing me to other people my age, and my youngest sister just constantly nags me about ANYTHING...my "friends" don't care and are just fine without seeing me for months. They don't even ask how I am or anything. My car is on it's last life, and it's ever so evident given how many times it has stalled or not started up in the past couple of months, but I still need it to drive around and look for jobs and take my sister back and forth to school... On top of all this, it seems like all my friends are getting into relationships or even worse, getting married or engaged. I already feel lonely, ugly and unwanted as it is, but it's made even worse since my mother has started hounding me about finding someone and getting married. I've even stupidly considered looking at hookup sites, which is something I'd NEVER do in the past and doesn't even match with my moral system, so I'm really scared about just how far my loneliness has pushed me. Life just...sucks.

I guess I should fast forward to when my mother came home...she was the one who told me about my cousin getting a job at my old workplace, and she started comparing me to other people around my age who are married, in relationships, done with college, have jobs, etc etc... So we had a discussion about what I wanted in life. I told her that I'm trying my best to find jobs, but since I got fired at my last one, it looks really bad on applications and have been getting rejections or run-arounds left and right. She was still saying that I was making excuses. She then asked me had I prayed to God...which led to another discussion altogether. Since my family is raised as Jehovah's Witnesses, and I am kinda expected to go out and preach from door to door like others do, especially since I'm actually baptized into the religion. She wants me to reach out to others in the church and to pray about what's wrong. I told her that even though I was doing everything I was "supposed" to do, nothing worked. I told her about the goals I had when I was younger, how I wanted to enter full time ministry, how I had a good relationship with God, how I was praying everyday...but it didn't help. I then told her about my depression, which she kinda just hand-waved. I told her about my social anxiety and about how I need to see a therapist when I do get a job (I've been severely depressed since I moved here when I was 12, and I've struggled with suicidal thoughts, especially the middle of last year, but I didn't tell her this). She said that it would be good so they could prescribe me some anti-depressants, but when I mentioned about actually going every week and actually talking about my problems, she questioned it. I told her that I need someone I can trust and someone who'll keep it confidential, someone who isn't in any way, shape or form connected to my personal life that I could tell about everything that's bothering me. She also seemed to shrug that off and told me about how I should just pray and talk to some of the elders in my congregation and how it'll get a little easier if I do. What she doesn't know is that I don't want scriptures shoved down my throat; being raised a Witness, I know the Bible like I know the back of my hand, so I know all the scriptures they're going to toss at me. I reiterated what I said before. I told her about when I was doing everything "right" and praying, nothing helped. I told her about my distant friends, how no one seems to want to be around me or do anything with me or even ask about me. She didn't know how to respond. She instead just asked me if there was anything else that was wrong...I guess it was as good at time as ever to tell her that I was gay, but I didn't. I still live and depend on her, unfortunately, so I don't want to come out and find my living situation compromised or worse than it already is. I kinda just dodged her question and told her that I had joined an online forum that helps people deal with depression (a.k.a., this site). She kinda raised her eyebrow...she's one of those people that believes that all people on the internet are dangerous or shady, and if this was a different kind of site, I'd understand her concern. But even though I mentioned it was a site that was supposed to help people with depression, she still had this disapproving look on her face (good thing I didn't tell her that my best friend is someone on this site, I guess). She just kinda ignored it and said that I just need to find a job, that I need to pray, and that I should come out and do some good ol' door knocking this weekend. I told her about my extreme social anxiety, to which she just hand-waved again. It's like she isn't even trying to understand me or what I'm going through. I even kept telling her that I think I may have some other conditions beside depression, but she just kept reiterating what she said before....I feel like I'm not getting anywhere with her.


Like the title mentions, I'm not looking for advice, per se, I just need to know that I'm not alone...and that I have support. I have a plan of what I'm going to do with my life, and unfortunately, it probably requires my living at this house for a couple of more years while I start college in the fall...but I just needed to get all this off my chest. I'm just so depressed and alone, and I feel as if I'm just backed into a corner with all of life just closing in on me...


Anyway, thanks for reading this nonsense...