Does anybody who's been through it and come out the other side have any thoughts on how to tell the difference between liking the opposite sex because you're bi and are genuinely interested in them for a full relationship, and being interested only because you're in denial and are fighting acceptance of being gay? Personally I've accepted I'm not straight but I'd be wary about getting into a heterosexual relationship because I've heard of so many people who convince themselves that they are happy in one only for it to blow up later in life and be more harmful to both parties when they realise they are gay. Drat, the title of the thread shouldn't be '...in bi...', just bi but I don't know if you can edit that. Should proofread more carefully before posting.
My experience (which is based on nothing scientific) is that the majority of people who are in your position eventually end up toward the gay end of the spectrum. For those people, bisexuality forms a bridge, part of the "bargaining" part of the 5 stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) to allow oneself to begin to get comfortable accepting that they're truly gay. Of course... there are plenty of people who are genuinely bisexual, but the majority eventually identify at one end of the spectrum or the other. The things to ask yourself are where your eyes wander when you're out and about... what you're drawn to at the beach (male bodies or female bodies), what sort of porn you watch... and if it's straight porn, whether you're watching the guy or the girl... and, perhaps most importantly, what you are thinking about (guys or girls) when you're masturbating. Those, combined, can give you a pretty good read on where you are. If you can honestly say that you fantasize about women and men when masturbating, that you genuinely find your eyes wandering (when you don't pay attention) to women, or women's butts or breasts, and that's happening as often or more often than your eyes are wandering toward guys... then you're probably bi. But in the majority of these cases, I think people find that it is usually denial playing a part. And over time, that becomes clearer.
I spent a good amount of time agonizing over this too...It was really hard to figure out what my actual preferences were and what exactly I was in denial of. For a while, I thought I was definitely bi. But I gave it some time, and tried to stop over-analyzing everything. Basically, it sounds obvious but I would say just go with what feels right. Like, your primary thought of when you see a guy vs. that of when you see a girl? Or, when you imagine an ideal relationship, what do you see? Questioning is painful but hey, it'll all work itself out in the end!
It gets complicated though. I almost exclusively check out women, and I am seriously attracted to one guy right now (who's also bi =) ). I don't like to get caught up in the labels and just go with what I feel =)
I'm going through the same thing as you right now, I suppose that I very well might be gay and in denial. I've had a couple girlfriends in the past (you know, silly middle school relationships) and I suppose the determining factor is whether I actually felt attracted to them or not, and I want to say I did, even though in my heart I know that I like guys more. Which brings me to my next point - gay, straight, or bi aren't black-and-white labels, there is a huge gray area. Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale? I'm probably a 3 or 4 on it, with 0 being completely straight, 3 being completely bi and 6 being completely gay. If you genuinely feel attracted to women, chances are you're bi. If you like men at least substantially more, you're probably gay.
I've gone through the same thing and I still am going through it, but I'm pretty sure I'm gay at this point. If you're not entirely sure.... you could always test the waters. Date guys, girls, etc etc. See which you could spend your life with and be entirely happy. Figure this out now, because nothing is worse than leading a girl on for a while and then realizing you're gay, and breaking her heart. I can't even imagine those who went though marriage and had kids, and then realized they weren't straight. But I suppose it happens, and it's not something you want to be doing. I figured out I was gay fairly recently, and im still in the process of accepting it. You need to think... who are you attracted to? What kind of porn do you watch? If straight porn, who are you focusing on the most? Who have you fantasized about, not only recently, but your entire life? These sort of questions. And if the result is undesirable, don't be ashamed. You only live ONCE. Don't waste your life being someone that you're not. I'm only 19 but I've wasted so many years trying to be someone that I wasn't, and buried my emotions so deep I was a zombie. They are coming back to the light though... and i've now realized, wow. I've been deprived my entire life, which makes me sad. At this point though, there's nothing I can do. Only move forward. Good luck!
I was kinda in the same situation as you..in middle school. I always felt i was "different" but never gave it too much attention or thinking. For example, when i was like 15-16 in school, i liked a few girls, and they were into me too..so i dated a couple of them but i could only kiss them and never went any further than that because i just didn't feel like it. I also had an attraction for boys but never too much. Until one day, an opportunity arised and i was like "why not?" He was a bi, (at least thats what he told me) and he was older than me by a significant amount but i really didn't care at the time. I had sex with another man for the first time and man, i loved it, i really did, despite being a bit painful (i bottomed and i was a virgin so..). And after that, my attraction for girls completely vanished and i realized i was gay and came to terms with it very quickly and i have no regrets. If you feel like you wanna try something different, just do it, do not hesisate because you might regret it later on. Life's too short! D
Thanks for your thoughts everybody, very much appreciated. I definitely think I've moved deeper into the gay end of the spectrum in the past few months. Reading lots of people's posts on here has helped me understand that it's far more common to be mixed up than I thought. Most sites I've read seem to skip over the questioning phase and don't discuss it in detail, just say something like 'give yourself time', which is fine but lacking in detail. They implied to me that most people realise fairly quickly in their teens where their interests lie, even if they don't come out until later in life. I'm prepared to accept that I am gay, except for the fact that when I'm out and about it's girls that I notice far more than guys, and it seems more instinctive rather than forced, everything else mentioned points towards my being gay, and in general I'd probably go with that. @kyle The bit about burying your emotions sounds very familiar, as I didn't date anyone and thought I wasn't that bothered until the past year or so. I wonder if subconsciously I knew that something wasn't quite right and tried to ignore attraction to anyone altogether. And the point about life being too short I completely agree with, I'm trying to get on with it at long last.
well here's how it works. bi soemties means bi and bi can sometimes mean the transition from denial into acceptance. only u can know the answer and only u will after time and experiences to see what u like and what u dont.
Its really interesting that you say those things I have a similar position myself. Looking from the outside at my experiences and feelings it makes logical sense that I am gay. However when I go out to places and stuff like that I look at girls too. I think its just force of habit or conditioning you know? I mean, all our lives we are fed images of heterosexual couples and we become familiar with standards of beauty, to the point where you can become comfortable with those things. However when it comes to the most immediate, natural or satisfying experience, actually enjoying women in that deep way doesn't happen unless you're straight or bi. Its confusing
Hi, LookingtoAffirm, Welcome to Empty Closets! Feel free to make a thread about your concerns if you need support. Most of us were confused at one point or another.
Three things: first, gay and straight is not an on/off switch. It's a spectrum. You might be anything from a little gay to unstoppably fabulous. Secondly, can you separate your feelings about what others might think of you from what you think of yourself? That would help. Finally, do you "fear" that you're gay. If so, you probably are. The reason the question provokes fear in you is that it is poking an underlying truth. If there were no truth to it, you'd probably have more of a curiosity than a fear.
I identified as bi for a long time, mostly to maintain the idea that I might be able to do what I felt society (and undoubtably my parents) want me to do. Marry a woman, have 2.5 children, white picket fence, etc. In reality, I only feel a physical attraction towards a woman on a very very very rare occasion. Once I started to admit to myself that I might be gay (at least that I'm probably on the way gayer end of the bi spectrum), and if it were, that would be okay, I started to realize that my attraction to women was so minimal, and what I really wanted was other men. It's a long road to understanding one's self. Have you taken a Kinsey or Kinsey/Klein test? The test results give you a number between 0 (exclusively straight) and 6 (exclusively gay). While these results wont give you certainty, they helped me gain a little clarity, in the least.
This is what I've been wanting to know--if I'm still bi or really lesbian in transition, or in denial(geez!) *pondering*
