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Some advice needed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Whiplash, Mar 31, 2012.

  1. Whiplash

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    Hey, I am a new member here and although it might have been more apt to post in the welcome board what I really need is some advice about things, if anyone is willing. I would really appreciate anything.

    I am 22, and for as long as I can remember I have been second guessing/questioning myself (not even just about my sexuality, but that's a story for another time...) I don't know if I am gay, but I am pretty sure I am not straight? (I know that probably makes zero sense). The things is, I have never really felt that physically attracted to either men or women. Sometimes I have, but generally I need to know them first. I know you are probably thinking I am asexual or what have you, and for a while I thought that might be the case, but I find that I am drawn to personalities. Particularly men.

    In secondary school, I had a really big crush on this boy. I still even think about what could have been now. Until...I am now crushing on someone else, also a male. I don't think that I am that attracted to a person initially, but once I get to know them, the attraction starts from there? But this has never happened directed at a female, it is always a male who is the "target" of my crush. I don't know if it is intimacy I seek, or me being gay?

    To compound matters, I used to be addicted to masturbation, something that I am thankfully finally getting a hold on (no pun intended) but that was mostly about males as well. And whilst I liked what I saw, it was always more about the intimacy, the kissing etc. that I liked the most. I say "mostly males" because I was sometimes intrigued by a male/female pairing, but I still used to pay more attention to the male.

    I don't know if the fact that I have an overbearing, cold and controlling father who is very homophobic/racist has any impact on this, that perhaps I might have internalised some of that homophobia and this is what makes me unable to feel attracted to anyone just in terms of physical attributes. For a long while I was really depressed about everything, that might have coloured my perception about things as well.

    And to top all of this off, when I think of the future and being with someone (if that ever happens) I can only see myself with another man. I can't see myself with a woman, or happy with a woman at any rate. And I only seem to be attracted to straight males, or straight acting males (a little feminism is ok).

    To anyone who has managed to decipher and read to the end my ramblings, thank you, and I would really appreciate any insight you have to offer.

    BTW I don't use smilies.
     
    #1 Whiplash, Mar 31, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2012
  2. Snyder

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    Well, sexuality can be very confusing. Many people that identify as bisexual are physically and emotionally attracted to one sex and only physically attracted to the other sex. What you are feeling maybe like that. Half asexual, half gay. I've never heard of it before but I guess it could happen. Really I don't see a need to label your self. If you end up falling in love with someone then it won't matter what you think your sexual orientation is.
     
  3. Whiplash

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    Thanks for replying Snyder. Yeah I agree, sexuality can be pretty damn confusing sometimes. I thought I would be done with this and know what I am at this stage of my life but I digress...

    I'm pretty sure whichever that I fall more on the gay spectrum of things, if only because I have never had the same feelings for a woman that I have had for a man. But I suppose anything is possible. And you are right, labels are unnecessary things really when it comes to love.

    I guess in part this thread may have been fuelled by me trying to come to terms with this stuff. Just to understand myself more. I don't know, I think I may be trying to come to terms with my "real" self. For so long I repressed my emotions, everything, became depressed etc. Now I'm emerging from that and it's hard to come to grips with it.

    The thing is though, I know I would be fully supportive of someone else in the same position as me. I know there is nothing wrong with feeling this way. But it's just hard sometimes when it's me experiencing these feelings.

    Agh, rambling again.
     
  4. snowflurry

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    It's definitely very healthy that you've stopped repressing your emotions and yourself! Questioning is a miserable phase (shorter for some than others), but you have to go through it sometime and it's good that you've decided to deal with this. Like you said, labels really aren't important. Still, it does feel good when you're confident about who you are and have no doubts about it. It seems like you basically don't feel like you could ever really be with a woman, which is a pretty good indicator. You'll get through this and figure yourself out eventually, if you give it a bit of time! Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  5. Whiplash

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    Thanks for the kind words, snowflurry. Yeah I've just realised how short life is, and that repressing things is not a good way to go through life.

    I think I'm really starting to come to terms with things. I am definitely feeling more happy in my skin than I have ever felt. I know I said that I have never really felt that attracted physically to guys, but that was kind of a half-lie/me still questioning myself. I just find that I am drawn more to personality and the attraction in other ways tends to come later.

    Plus, I have taken a really big step today which I am kind of proud of myself for doing.

    Thank you for all of the insight guys.