Bah - Took a step back toward the closet today. Guess that happens sometimes. Goes like this (names are made up): Megan: "Wanna go to the club tonight to celebrate Donna's divorice?" Me: (what I said): "Nah, I'm feeling crowd adverse tonight, don't want to mess with the people." What I was thinking: "I don't feel like spending 3 awkward hours pretending to enjoy dancing with women." What I really wanted: "Perhaps trying 3 awkward hours dancing with guys because, who knows, I think I'd like it." What prevented me from doing this: "The particular friends don't know my sexual orientation and I haven't told them." Why haven't I told them: "I apparantly haven't fully committed myself to being out." What should I do next time: "Go to the club" How will I accomplish this: "either be comfortable being out, or at least go anyhow and don't be fake - just hang out." There we have it - root cause analysis and next steps. Oh well, I've taken more steps forward than back. As they say, even if you only one 6 out of 10, you can still call it a victory.
I wouldn't consider this a step backward. You're doing what we all do - analyzing each situation and deciding whether it's a good / appropriate / not-too-awkward time to come out to a given person or group of people. I wouldn't have wanted to come out to a large group of my friends by showing up at a club and sexing up all the ladies in front of them either. Remember that coming out isn't a one-time, all-or-nothing deal. It is a continual process that will likely take place in different settings and in different ways for the rest of your life. And you'll find that even once you're pretty much fully out to most people who matter (like I am), there will be times that the topic comes up with certain groups or individuals, and you'll choose to keep it to yourself.
