need advice and support...denial about same sex attractions

This is a tough one, as you seem to be in certain mindset about it. As you're 30 years old, I would advise you to at least talk to somebody about it, someone close. You should never feel guilty about how you feel, because after all, you're not choosing to feel that way - it's completely natural.

I've said this so many times to people, but I'll say it again. Don't try seek a label. Even though I regard myself as gay, I don't like to completely identify myself with that label. Just be whatever your mind/body tell you to be, because that's what's true, not what others expect you to be.

Sorry I haven't been much help, I'm still in a bad place myself, but because you're a little older than me, it would be really great if you could live your life as you wish to after 30 years of troublesome thoughts.

 

Why do you think this is the case? Why do you have such an issue with being gay?

Not that I can't imagine why. I had the same issues. For me I had lots of reasons to not want to be gay. I was already married to a woman for one. So I didn't want to ruin her life and ruin my kids lives. I didn't want to embarass my parents. I didn't want people to think less of me. I didn't want people to wonder why it tool me until I was 35 to figure out that I was gay.

But despite all of those reasons, I came to realize that I was gay, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. So if I wanted to get on with my life I had to carry on despite and regardless of what people might think of me.

In the end - none of those things happened. I didn't ruin anyone's life. I didn't embarass anyone. Nobody has given me a hard time. I haven't lost a single friend or had any kind of negative feedback from my coworkers. (Yes - things didn't go as well at church, but that was to be expected I guess.)

But what are YOUR reasons? And what do you think you could do to overcome them?

 

I very much like Chip's idea.

I read something on this site (from one of the stickys, I believe. I wish I could remember who wrote it so I could give them credit). It really helped me when I was consumed with loneliness, guilt and confusion. Maybe it will help you, too. It went something like:

I'm gay, and I don't want to be. Which one of those things can you change?

I had a million and one reasons why being gay was "inconvenient" for me. My father is a preacher. My friends will be disappointed. I'm never going to have that white picket fence, with a husband and 2.5 kids. It will be more difficult to find a girl, especially in my small, ultra-conservative town. My own insecurities.

It took a gay friend of mine, talking to a hysterical me at three in the morning, to make me realize that there's nothing wrong with me. He told me so repeatedly, and he said that my sexual orientation is just a small piece of who I am. Nothing about my identity changes. I'm still me.

I wrote that in my day planner, so I see it several times a day. It always makes me smile. Maybe you should try to find some positive phrases or mantras for yourself; write them down and keep them in places you'll see frequently.

You are not alone in this. There is nothing wrong or bad about being yourself. I hope you find peace within yourself soon.

 

So you've provided your reasons for not being comfortable or happy with being gay. But I don't think you've provided any thoughts in terms of what you can do to overcome them. It was a two part question. :icon_wink And that's what Chip is getting at. What are the positives or things you can work on given your situation?

Reading your response I have a number of thoughts - but many of them are essentially the same and get at what 'One Small Point' was saying - you can't change the fact that you're gay. You CAN change your attitude towards it though, and start to make the best of it. Eventually, you won't feel like you're making the best of a bad situation. You'll be making the best of your life - which just happens to involve being gay.

Almost everything you envisioned for yourself CAN still happen - just substitude wife for husband. Will it be easy? No. But you either need to let go of some of those visions for the future or work on the shame that you associate with being gay. Try letting go of those 'straight' expectations and replace them with gay ones. (Meeting a nice guy, moving in together, having a puppy, visiting with and spending time with nieces and nephews, etc...)

With respect to your family - isn't it possible that they've just never even met a gay man before? And if so, wouldn't it be enlightening and education for them to know that you - someone who they love and respect - is actually gay? I bet coming out would change more attitudes they hold about gay people than it would change attitudes they hold about you.

You can embrace your orientation and accept you're gay without ever having sex with another man. But a life alone won't be as fulfilling as one spent developing intimate relationships with people - and sometimes that involves physical intimacy. But that doesn't need to include activities that are high risk. Lots of gay men don't engage in anal sex. And when they do they use protection to stay safe. And if you're having sex with someone that have got to know and trust, then the odds of you contracting something is greatly diminished. Read up about it. Talk to your doctor.

This one really got me. I guess this might be a function of your background and / or some preconceived notions about how relationships work. My husband and I are partners in virtually all ways in our relationship. I NEVER feel like I'm taking a back seat to him. And I don't think he feels that way about me either. There's a real balance to every aspect of our relationship - emotional and physical. Neither of us is 'the girl' in the marriage.

This is where you have to improve your attitude towards being gay and about yourself in general to the point where you can honestly say "I don't really care what anyone thinks or says about me." Because really, what difference does it make. You ARE gay. And I got to the point where I'd rather KNOW if someone has a problem with that - because I can then remove them from my life and instead surround myself with people who love me for who I am.

Something else for you to work on? Sounds like it. You say yourself that this really doesn't have anything to do with being gay. Well - it compounds it - but you're hung up on this even in thinking about sex with a woman. What if you were married to a woman? Would sex be OK then? Back up from there. In a long term relationship with a woman? In a long term relationship with a man?

Counselling around this issue might help. Find a therapist who you can talk to about this and other things in this list. That will help immensely.

I wasn't particularly religious growing up. But in my addiction recovery I've had to find a Higher Power of my understanding that I can surrender to. And I have. God has been with me my whole life, and has protected me from the full consequences of my acting out. He keeps me sober each day - when I submit to His will for me.

With respect to my orientation, I've come to believe that God made me this way. It wasn't a mistake - because He doesn't make mistakes. And He wouldn't make me this way in order to make me miserable and lonely. I don't think that's the way He rolls. So I've accepted that God loves me the way I am, and if I'm living my life in a way that brings glory to Him - by loving others, being kind to others, and being the best dad/husband/employee/friend that I can be, then I'm doing OK by Him. I'm not sure what the afterlife holds, but I'm pretty certain that I'm doing what He wants me to do in this life.

Again - an area where an attitude adjustment is required. YOU didn't do anything. You're gay - through no fault of your own. Accept that. And remember that being straight doesn't guarantee anyone a happy / perfect / socially accepted life. There are a whole lot of messed up and unhappy straight people around.

Trying to pursue that 'picture perfect' life won't work either. I did that - although not knowingly. I simply didn't know I was gay. But I had a lovely wife, a great job, two beautiful daughters, a large home in a very desireable suburb of Toronto, a golden retriever, a Volvo station wagon... TOTALLY picture perfect. And all of that still didn't fill the void inside me. It still didn't satisfy the need inside me to be true to myself. So don't think you can kid yourself (and others - including the woman you would marry) that you can simply 'fake it' and be happy. It doesn't work.

Once you're out, the fact that you're gay doesn't remain the topic of conversation every time you get together with your friends. They aren't constantly reminding you that you're gay. They aren't asking all the time "Hey - how's the gay thing going?" And if by some 'miracle' you found a woman who really made you happy, they you'd simply come out again as bi and carry on.

But it isn't going to go away. As much as you think you'd like to forget it, you won't. You're gay. You can hide from it and pretend you're not, or you can come out and simply move on.

You know what will guarantee you not finding the right guy? Not coming out and not dealing with the preconceived notions you have about being gay. THAT is what will keep you from meeting and dating a really nice guy.

There are no guarantees in life, but over the 5 years that I've been on this forum, virtually all of the guys who were in their 30s (or older) who accepted their orientation, developed a positive attitude and put themselves out there have met someone. Some are just dating, some have moved in together, and others have even got married.

The future is scary for everyone if you want to stop and think about it. Nobody knows what the future holds. Any one of us might be diagnosed with a terminal illness witout warning. Straight or gay.

What I can tell you is that it's easier to face the future and the 'curve balls' that life will throw at you if you can free yourself from the worry / stress / anxiety that you've creating around your orientation. It's not helping you - it's holding you back.

I've spent WAY more time on this post than I thought I would - but the real effort has to come from you. You CAN overcome this. You CAN develop a positive attitude about being gay and not be driven by fear but instead by opportunity.

We're all rooting for you! So with us all cheering in the background for you, what are you going to do next?

 

I really want to comment and add my two cents on each one of your reasons for not wanting to be gay, but I won't. Let's look at the alternative here. You are lonely, alone and in your thirties. Which is perfectly fine, but at this point you know you are not going to change. That alternate reality isn't going to happen. In my opinion, coming out involves multiple steps. It's not just deciding to lead a gay life and telling people about it. The first part is accepting yourself.

Sure not everything about coming out or leading a gay life is perfect, but deep down you know you are gay. That isn't going to change. You could never come out, but what would that bring? You'd definitely not continue your family name (which is possible in a gay relationship), and you would just be alone your whole life. Wondering what the alternate reality would have been like if you had just come out and been yourself.

We all want to honor our family and be loved and accepted by them, but in the end they all have their own lives, and you have to have yours. You deserve to be happy and live how you were meant to. God made you gay, no less then he gave you two arms and teeth.

I hope that things work out, and that somehow you will be able to accept yourself and be able to live your life naturally. Trust me, it will make you happier. Even if there is a lot of disapproval involved from others, you have your own life and being yourself will bring happiness.

It's a marvelous thing to be free of that restraint. The expectations we think others have on us, are really just things we create and assume. I wish you the best my friend.

 

Great! That shift in thinking is what is needed. It's subtle but necessary - and definitely a step in the right direction.

 

And let me pitch in one of my little Jedi mind tricks.

Gay people are a normal minority. That is, it is normal for a handful of people in any given population to come out gay, just like it is normal for a handful of people in any population to come out left-handed. From there, it's up to you to try to live, within your natural boundaries, the most "normal" and, more importantly, stable kind of life that you can.

Sound good?