So I haven't really posted on here in awhile, but I really think I should be. I had a "suicidal" attempt a couple months ago, which really was more of an outcry than anything else because all I did was slit my wrist. I've been transgendered for many years now, even though I'm only 22 and still I am nowhere. Within like 8 years the only progress I've made is telling 3 family members, and some close friends. I told a couple friends and my mother awhile before cutting myself, but then the night of that incident I told 2 of my family member who were with me. So yeah I'm really upset with the lack of progress I've made, the only real progress coming from the beginning of this year. I know I'm impatient, I'd never deny it, I want the perfect life right away. To live with a man as myself, a female. I want to experience womanhood openly, not just behind closed doors. I feel so, damaged? Not sure how to explain it, just that I feel dead inside, I find no joy in life anymore. Even when I'm at home being myself, I feel it's just not enough.. it's completely destroying my spirit. I'm also terrified about being myself in such a small town, the thought of alienation from people I care about. Then there's the fear of confrontation, I'm such a weak person that I try my best not to have conflict with anyone at all. Like if I'm out as myself and someone says something to me, like I'm a freak or something I would absolutely have no idea on how to respond. I definitely worry about what people think too much, because as a male I'm not really big or overweight, but for a female I'm definitely fat. The thing is I know I can lose weight, I've done it before, but I've remained so discouraged with everything that I let myself go once again. I have absolutely no will power anymore. I used to cry my eyes out daily when I would be out and see other girls living their lives to the fullest. Recently the nearby high school had their senior prom, and a friend of the families came over with his girlfriend as they were going to the prom. I had to leave seeing her so excited and beautifully dressed for her prom. That's another thing that hurts me so badly is knowing that I've missed out on so many things that I would have loved so much. I guess that's a part of my problem, knowing I can't go back in time or be re-born as a female. Knowing I've lost out on all of that. I'm such a good person, I treat people so kindly, I just don't understand why myself or anyone else in the world facing similar problems have to suffer the way we do. I apologize for the rant, but I'm really lost and feel like I have no one to turn to anymore. The family I have told acknowledge it, but they really won't talk about it, I guess they don't know what to say. Honestly though, any words of encouragement or actions from them would really help me. Maybe I'm selfish and expect too much from them, I just know if the situation was reversed and it was any of them, I would be there for them 100% because that's what I feel family does. Anyways, I'll end this rant of mine.. it does make me feel better momentarily, but unfortunately tomorrow will be just another miserable day.. With Love, - T
Have you tried seeing a therapist or someone like that? It might be helpful to just have someone you can pour out all these feelings to. I'm not too good at this sort of thing, so sorry that's all I really had to suggest.
Welcome back! Yes - I'd ask the same thing. You identify as transgendered and you've told a few people. But that else? Have you told your doctor? Have you started to take any action towards transitioning? The fist step I would think would be to talk to your family doctor and to get referred to a specialist and a counsellor. I'm sure you are lonely, and I'm sure it is frustrating. But at the same time you're going to have to accept things as they are - right now. You can't go back in time, and there are some experiences that you will never have. I used to beat myself up the same way. But when life got better and things did start to go my way - I realized that all of my prior life experiences had helped to get me to where I was. And because I was happy with where I was, I could be happy with (or at least accept) that I needed to take the path that I did to get to where I am now. Hopefully you'll be able to see that some day soon. In the mean time, we're all here rooting for you. You can contact me or any of the staff at any time through a personal message. Or just keep posting in the forum.
Thank you guys for taking the time out of your day to respond. I have been seeing a counselor for about 8 months now and it's nice to talk to them. I really just don't see it leading anywhere, again maybe I'm impatient. Maybe I should seek the help of an actual professional who deals with these matters, hopefully they have someone like that in the vicinity. Even with a more qualified therapist I don't see how anything will change, because ultimately it's up to me. I think what I'll need to do is start off simple and progress my way forward. Then again how simple do I start off? Do I tell more people before I progress my transition or vice versa?
