Alright, so until recently I've been consciously trying to live a straight guy's life for at least 8 years. A week or so ago, I started being honest with myself, and others, and decided to lowly come out of a garbage-filled closet. I'm slowly starting to come out to close friends but I've hit a few obstacles. The more apparent one i've hit is the some-past-events-will-be-so-much-more-awkward feeling. I wasn't sure if other people have experienced this obstacle as one of the harder things about coming out too.... ? For example: There's one close, male friend that I really want to tell. But I've slept in the same bed with him multiple times, talked about girls (like a straight guy) with him, told him females that I "liked" (that's a whole other conversation), and have spent a lot of time with him at his house. Now, he's a close friend but I'm afraid that after I tell him, he's going to view a lot of things weird in hindsight. You know what I mean? Another example: I have two younger male friends (still in high school) that I've skinny dipped with, watched (straight) porn with, changed clothes with, seen their junk, etc. I'm wondering if they're going to think about those times and judge me because of my -for lack of a better term- gayness. The same stories can be told about my brothers and other male friends. But like I was saying before, I was living a closeted, straight-guy's life until recently. I didn't really consider those situation's to be weird or anything. But now that I think about how other people are going to think about my coming out, I suppose I'm afraid of judgement. Any advice on how to word things if/when those awkward situations come up in conversation? Also, if you have a funny stories about your friends' reactions to you coming out, you can put them here too. haha -Thanks
I'm in the same boat right now! I've lived my whole life a lie, talked about girls with my straight friends, etc etc etc.... same stuff you have done. And at this point I've lived the lie for so long that I'm deathly afraid of how people's perspectives will change of me. I've partially accepted that I was gay, but the perspective change people will have on me is terrifying. One moment they know you, and the next they will see you as a different person. Today I was able to come out to a friend of mine, and I could tell she thought differently of me. I've known her for years now and went along with the straightness game for the whole time. And I'm completely hetero on the outside, so knowing that made it tougher. It pretty much went like this... she wanted to hook me up with a girl I knew. Didn't exactly go like this, but pretty much summarizes, and we were both on the clock at the time. Her: Do you think she's pretty? Me: Sure Her: I'm going to text her later tonight to set you guys up on a date!! Me: Uh... well... no Her: why not? Me: Well... ermmm.... uhhh... Her: What ?? Me: ... I can't tell you here. Her: Whattt? Why not?? Tell me!! Me: I'll tell you in a few hours, after your shift. Her: No... tell me now. Me: I cant! Her: is it something bad? STD's? You get a girl pregnant? Me: No... no... I'll let you know later.... Her: *Grumbling* Fine... Then later comes, and it feels like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. I take her into a room where nobody can hear us..... and she says ok tell me. Me: Ermmrmermermemr (really awkward and nervousness) Her: Welll??? Me: .... I don't like her (the girl she trying to set me up with) Her: IS THAT IT?? Me: ... no.. Her: then what? Me: I don't like her because.... well... I'm kinda batting for the other team. Her: Awwwww Then we talked. My heart was still pounding at this point and lasted for the next hour or so.... And she was accepting and she said she loved me more than before. I was deathly afraid because I knew she saw me in a different light, and something inside me was telling me to go back into the closet, but I also knew the cat was out of the bag with 1 person and I cannot go back. This happened about 5 hours ago... and I still cannot believe that I did it after living a lie for so long. But nobody else knows, and she promised not to tell anyone. We just need to tell ourselves that coming out isn't to everyone. We don't need to announce it to the world. We don't even need to tell our close friends. It's up to US on who will know. And We don't have to say the words "I'm gay" (It's harder than anything I've come across), analogies are easier, but still saying them are tough. ~Ciao !
You are making more of it than they ever will. None of the things you've talked about should be an issue to them. Our sexuality evolves over time, and we simply aren't aware sometimes that we're not straight. That was me. I assumed I was straight. I got married and had kids. So talk about awkward... I had to come out to people as gay after having been married to a woman for 9 years! But it wasn't an issue and nobody made it more awkward for me than it already was. People understand.
Thanks guys! Kyle- It's really good to know that other guys also go through this feeling. And I'm glad that your friend reacted so well to you telling her. I doubt he viewed you worse for telling her... Anyway, congratulations on coming out to another person. I'm slowly coming out. I actually just told a friend (that's a girl) today too and she reacted really well to it. She's the first girl I've told! That makes 7 total Jim- I probably am making this bigger than it really is. I can only imagine what it was like to come out after a marriage...wow. My friends probably won't think about it for long and, hopefully, be really supportive of me. If they aren't supportive I need to reassess our friendship...
Hey good for you! i know i felt amazing after telling everyone about myself i think they may have assumed that i was gay but to me it was the dirtiest darkest secret that no other human being could possibly understand, then i told my best friend and she was like yeah i know! so really we're our biggest obstacles when it comes to telling our secrets if theyre truly your friends theyll accept you no matter what. even if youre purple lol
You certainly have my support. I did the straight thing for my entire life and only came out last year when I was 34. I've lost track of the number of conversations I've had with my dad while he tried to lecture me on finding a woman, getting married, and having kids. He sort of gave up over the years, but only after my sister intervened on my behalf. Coming out to her was a bit of a challenge as we're really close and I always played at being straight, but not looking. She and I have had some long conversations on girls I liked, why I was still single, what I was looking for. After coming out to her, she told me that so many times over the last 10 years (including to her own husband), how many times she defended my "straightness" against people who thought I was gay. She said this while laughing the whole time. I can't tell you how much more I love my sister and how much more respect I have for her. She stood up for me, even though I blatantly lied to her for years. Even afterwards, she's still got my back. I'm telling my parents I'm gay when I Skype with them tonight. My sister said that if they take it bad, which I don't think will happen, she'll be there to set them straight and remind them I'm still the same son they've had for 34 years. Who could have a better sister than that? I'm sure you'll find, as I have, that we play such horrible mind games with ourselves. We immediately go to the worst case scenario and expect things to just go bad. It's been the complete opposite for me each time I came out to someone I loved and lied to. Complete support and understanding. Even my best friend. Hell, I shared a bed for two weeks in a hotel with my roommate while we were apartment hunting. I didn't tell him I was gay until months after the fact. He never once brought it up, though I had feared he would. When I asked if he would be ok with me bringing a guy home, he wasn't phased one bit. We've had some very good, open and honest conversations about me being gay, our families, school, life in general. If anything, we've become better friends because that barrier I had erected in my youth has come down. Congratulations on taking the steps towards coming out. Hopefully it'll all be a lot of worry for nothing.
Thanks man. It's great to hear stories like that. I'm glad that your life is going well, it seems like everything has unfolded nicely despite all the closeted feelings and such! I do want to tell my sister soon. She's 16 and her and I are really, really tight. I think she'll be fine with it. Your roommate sounds like a pretty cool guy. I already came out to my (straight) best friend who I'll be sharing an apartment with next year. He's totally cool with it and very supportive. Thank you for your support
I aggree with everyone else, we do kinda bring up the worst case scenarios about our friends reactions. I guess all I can say is just make sure you are absolutely posistive you want to tell them, and then try not to back out. Especially in the in Georgia, not everyone is very accepting. It's actually kind of funny because the only guy I'm out to we have a class with a very conservative idiot and we have a real good time just laughing at all his BS. I actually thought my friend was gonna be really pissed off if I told him I was bi and he has actually been the most supportive and hes helping me out with my other problems and has become a really cool friend.
I went through I similar thought process- will my straight guy friends think I have been checking them out over the years. No one cared or mentioned it. I brought it up, because I thought it was important - and it was without a doubt, the least important part of our - guess what I am a gay conversation. @ JR - good luck tonight with the folks. One of my biggest regrets in life is not coming out to my parents ( in truth- I didnt accept it myself until years later) before they passed away. SO GOOD LUCK!
This was one of the biggest obstacles to my coming out, then I realized that many people are forced into hiding a part of their true selves, and more often than not it doesn't even involve sexuality. For example, some people have to hide the fact that they're afflicted with a horrible mental illness such as bipolar or schizophrenia, others might have to hide the fact that their parents were alcoholics, out of embarrassment, etc. People tend to be forgiving and understanding of these things, because in one way or another, we ALL tend to put up false facades at certain points in our lives for a whole host of reasons. So don't sweat it!
