Ok, I have been living as a straight guy for most of my 34 years...I have had been with women and had 2 serious girlfriends, I had my first sexual experience with a guy when I was 28 and so far that has been my only one..6 months ago a guy started at my workplace and a couple of people have suspected he could be gay, one of them that thinks like this is my homophobic partner that I work with 'he thinks I'm straight btw'...anyways this new guy over the last few months has been staring at me and touched me on the shoulder a few times, last time he caught me off guard and I moved back a bit and he said 'what you dont like me touching you today'...I have since developed a attraction to this guy since I have gotten to know him and have been dropping hints that I'm bi/gay, I even touched him back one time and have been making alot of eye contact with him lately....now I'm not 100% sure if he's gay! he does not have a GF but talks about having one day...I know he would be scared to come out at work because the homophobic guy there has been aggressive towards him saying 'what are you a fag or something'...I told him not to worry about peoples silly comments....now what should I do? I want to know if he's gay! I see he has FB and was thinking of adding him, I dont have anyone else from my workplace on FB and I dont want anyone to know...they may start rumors about us, even though they dont know he's gay....there is a age difference betweem us he's 23 and I'm 34...but I like him! he's cute and has a nice personality and sense of humor...please any advice would help? do you think he would be picking up on my eye contact and flirting if he's gay/bi...is he waiting for me to make a move? thanks..
hi steelcityguy, my experience has been that unless a guy is very direct, out, or even closeted but 100% sure they want you, they will not let you know they are gay first. they will do a lot of hints and subtle things that you will have to be a palm reader to figure out. therefore, it has been my experience that if they are bi or closeted, they must always never initiate "coming out". they are basically like you and both parties are "playing the game" until something comes out. then once is comes out there's so much pent up tension that things usually go toward a physical interest and not a slower paced dating level. esentially the person has fantasized about you so long that once they know you are gay, they want to go straight to teh physical. with that said, here are my concerns: 1. this is a work environment and thsoe are sticky situations and can get complicated. i do not suggest dating someone at work especially when you are both closeted and it could "get out" 2. you are in a semi-hostile situation with teh homophobe coworkers that probably secretly likes the guy himself. calling him a fag is really unprofessional and uncalled for. just know that even if this kid is gay and you start hanging around him the homophobe will start in on you too and say you both are "fags" which you wil then need to tell him to stop (if you have not done so already) and possibly file a complaint with HR. see how this is getting more involved. 3. lets say he is gay/bi and is interested....then now what. lets say you date but things dont work out and now he's on your fbook, and you do not know if he is out or could out you at work. my advice: best thing in these situations is just becomes friends with the guy. you may find out that when you try to be his friend, you dont like him as much anymore in a romantic physical light. you may find that the attraction grows. either way, someoone has to start being friends. you guys work togetther and he's close enuff to touch you. can't u just ask him out to lunch. "hey dude, where are you going to lunch today?" that seems simple enough. then during lunch you guys can talk and stuff. you may get a better chance to see if he is gay or not outside of work. he may tell you. you can ask him out for drinks after work., "hey man, long day, wanna grab a few drinks after work today or sometimes this week?" get him out of the office and just talking to him. if he is gay and interested, you wil find out sooner or later. i wouldn't ask straight out right now. it could come off like you may be harrassing him at work and you can't really ask someone withou telling them you're gay/bi too. just become friends and when you both feel safe a lot of things will come clear.
I'm going to keep playing the game with him for now I think, I have been initiating some playful eye contact with him and I think he's picking up on it...I think he knows I know somethings up because I have told him to just blow off any silly comments that are made in reference to gay's...When asked if he was a fag by my co worker he didn't answer? just waved his hand...nobody I work with even suspects I'm close to being gay I'm a masculine bodybuilder type and respected there so I don't think they would make gay comments to my face it would be made behind my back something ever came out... this young guy I like is a lot smaller then me and looks really young also, as cruel as it is.. he's a target for people to pick on... I really feel deep down that he has something for me...I just going to take my time with this one and see how it plays out...
For what it's worth, your co-worker's anti-gay comments are definately an HR concern. That behavior is not tolerable in the work place since it creates a hostile environment. Your company would certainly want it stopped since it opens them up to litigation.
