Hey everyone, I haven't been too active in a while, but I'm kind of going through a crappy situation and I needed a place to vent. So, my birthday was last Wednesday, and my bf rode with me to class. Actually he drove despite his license being suspended. It makes me nervous and I have expressed this too him several times, but he's still very persistent about wanting to drive whenever we go somewhere, and 90% of the time I cave in and let him. I actually got kind of irritated with him on the way back. He didn't take the usual way home from my college. In fact, he made about 3 stops on the way back to his house I didn't expect. McDonald's, a gas station, and to meet up with a friend of his so he could follow us back to his house to hang out. None of them were a problem except that he didn't ask. He's driving my car around and just stopping and doing things without even asking, which to me is extremely rude. But I'm getting slightly off topic. After we got to his house and I left, I kind of sent him a text message about what had irritated me, and it seemed to have pissed him off. Well I didn't hear from him much more that night except for another text around 7 or 8. It was a little disappointing because that was my birthday, but I wasn't too worried. Then Thursday I went out drinking with some friends of mine. I didn't hear from him all day Thursday either. Finally Friday I was starting to get really worried because I hadn't heard from him in about 48 hours. His phone seemed to be dead, but if there was something wrong with it he would have messaged me on facebook. So I decided to message his friend who was there tonight (who is also his foster brother that lives with him.) He replied with "I know where he is..." It turns out after I left the three of them went back up to the friend's place. He had his car parked on the wrong side of the rode, and someone called the cops as a result. When the cops got there it turned out there was warrant on my bf for "Driving with a barred license." So he got arrested. I honestly wasn't incredibly surprised. He had gotten in trouble for driving with me before, but neither of use knew back then his license wasn't valid. His mother had told him he paid off his fines. (of course his crazy mother is another issue altogether) My bf didn't really have transportation or money to take care of court dates and fines. He assured me he took care of it, but I think I knew all along I was just in denial that something like this was going to happen down the road. I was pretty hurt that I didn't find out for 2 days. For 48 hours I thought he was just ignoring me, or that maybe he had lost his phone or was in trouble somewhere. I couldn't believe his friend wouldn't take the time to tell me in 2 days. Well I've missed 2 calls from him since he got in. One was before I knew what happened so I just didn't answer the 866 number, the 2nd time I just didn't have my phone on me. I'm worried me not answering hurt his feelings. I was really shocked when I discovered his court date isn't until April 14th. That means at a minimum he's going to be in there another 2 weeks! Its really killing me. We were fighting a lot before all this, and honestly this whole situation just turns me off to the relationship even more, but I feel like I'm going through withdraw not being able to talk to him at all. I got used to have someone to talk to about everything and anything in my life. And despite being with a man for over 1.5 years, taking LGBT classes, and coming to sites like this, it still bothers me that I've never even TRIED being with a woman. I feel guilty admitting it but at first when I hadn't heard from him that's what I thought about. Anyway, his friend messaged my yesterday. He told me that Anthony wanted him to tell me that he would call me at 9:20 tonight and to let me know that he loved me. I don't know what to do. I want to talk to him so bad, but I'm so upset about all this. I mean he's certainly gonna lose his job as a result of this! I really completely torn. I want to be with him, and I certainly don't want to hurt him, but I don't know what to do =( I don't know what else to say. I don't even know if I'm looking for advice... I just wish I could wave a wand and get myself out of these stupid situations. Sorry for the wall of text
I don't think there's much advice to give... If you feel that you're in a bad relationship, that's something only you can choose to judge - whether you should try and salvage this, or whether you should move on. I wish I had a magic wand for you, too.
Hmmm, I could be wrong (I don't have any experience with this), but I don't think they would keep him two weeks in jail for simply driving without a valid license... Neither have I, don't foresee that I will (unless there's an apocalypse at the end of the year and we need to repopulate ). If you don't get turned on by women, then what's there to be bothered about? People tend to only realize what they're missing out on when it's not there anymore. Fighting over serious issues? Were you able to talk about them with him and work through them? If not, that doesn't bode well for your future together. As far as the whole situation turning you off the relationship: it's basically a traffic violation, right? Sure he's dumb for driving with a suspended license but you let him drive your car. If there is no stopping him from being reckless then perhaps it's time to find someone a little more smart.
No offense, but why are you in a relationship with someone who -- Completely disrespects your wishes and doesn't listen -- Constantly fights with you -- Has a suspended license, and drives knowingly in spite of that -- And has apparently done so enough in the past that he's been caught before Seriously, this guy is really bad news. He doesn't respect the law, authority, or you, and seems very self-centered. Why have someone that's a primary influence in your life who is going to bring you down? There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Thanks, I know. I just don't really know what I want to do =/ I feel as though I should expand on what I meant here. When I'm fantasizing its almost always either about being with a man, or being a woman, or both. However, let's say I'm at a bar, or at school, or in any way in public. I never really feel very attracted to men in public. At least not how I feel most people do. Often I see a girl and think, "I would like to get to talk to that person, and become close with them, get to know them." I don't think its ever anything akin to sexual desire, in fact usually I feel quite a bit of envy wishing I was them. But it does seem odd to me that I (aside from my bf who I have quite the assortment of positive and negative feelings about atm) never really FEEL anything about guys. I'm kind of leaning towards moving out into the wilderness and living a life of solitude at the moment. ---------- Post added 2nd Apr 2012 at 04:18 PM ---------- I wish I had a good answer, but I don't. Its probably a combination of things all having to do with me not being a very strong person. 1. I really do still have feelings for him. I feel like he knows me better than anyone in some ways. I've hidden so much of our relationship from others so that he knows so much about me that no one else does. 2. I have low self-esteem. Not much to say here. I just don't think I have a lot of respect for myself. 3. All I think of is how it would effect him. He's always said things like I'm the only person he would ever want to spend his life with, and that without me her doesn't think he'd be able to keep going. If he got out of jail, lost his job, and lost me, I'm really scared of what he might do to himself =( Probably the biggest unhealthy thing I've learned about myself from going to the counseling center here is that I tend to make decisions based on how they effects others and not about how they'll effect me. Literally all I can think of when I think of leaving him how I could never do that to him. 4. I'm terrified of change. Its just easier to keep doing things the way they are. And putting all this into words and seeing how pathetic I see doesn't really help much with number 2...
Also, I don't really feel like I'm capable of staying mad at anyone. If someone apologizes to me I can't avoid forgiving them. At any rate, he never called last night. I don't think it would have been such a big deal had I not been given a specific time he would call. I was driving home from class and just had my finger on the answer button for like 10 minutes waiting. It really bothered me more than I expected =/
>>>I just don't think I have a lot of respect for myself. Get enough to leave him where he left his car. On the curb by the side of the road. Lex
I don't really like everyone talking bad about him. Its making me regret posting this thread at all. =( I've talked to him on the phone twice since my last post. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears this time. I was before he even called. I'm really lonely. I miss talking to him. Gender stuff has been eating me up all day. Then he calls and I get to hear about how people in his cell have been harassing him and calling him names for being gay, but he's afraid to do anything about it because he doesn't want to be a snitch. And I just wish I could do something about it. I'm just feeling awful right now. =( I feel powerless. Powerless to help him, to help me with my gender things... I just feel lonely I guess. I'm not trying to be a Debby Downer, and I definitely don't like expressing these feelings now that I feel like everyone thinks I'm stupid for standing by him, but I just don't really feel like I have anyone I can talk to/really cares...
Well..........we all have our run ins with the law from time to time.... Hell I've been arrested before when I was in college...it was mainly for trying to sneak a bunch of liquor in the student section at Bryant-Denny stadium while underage on numerous occasions and getting in fights with douches from rival fraternities. But, driving with a suspended license is kinda a dumb thing...even dumber than trying to shove liquor bottles in your khakis in front of the PoPo. What was it for? Unpaid speeding ticket or something? That kinda shows a conscious effort to duck an adult responsibility...which is never a good thing. I know it's easier said than done...but you seem at heart unhappy with this relationship...so why hang around? You say you have low self-esteem and little respect for yourself...and that's always a tough spot to be in because there really is noting anyone can say to bring you out of that state and make you think differently. But, I have always found that if someone is in a healthy relationship that tends to improve their self-esteem by leaps and bounds. Have you ever given any thought to the possibility that this relationship may be a major factor in the way you feel about yourself? Something to think about. I would simply offer that you prolly need to move on from this relationship.
How I feel about the relationship varies. Honestly most of the time what bothers me about it is still feeling unsure about my identity... But he lost his license because he was driving his friend's car and unbeknownst him, it wasn't insured. At least that's what I was told. This happened before I met him. Now when get go pulled over for driving, that was with me. I actually said I didn't want to drive because I had been drinking. I had no idea his license wasn't valid, in fact neither did he. His mother told him he paid off his fines, but she just lied. Then I guess he missed a court date or something. I drove him to one, but I think it was at the wrong time or something. I don't know... I'm just worried about him getting out and how this might affect his work record and such =/
Hi J, I'm sorry this has been such a difficult time for you. I think just about everyone goes through it at one time or another. It's never easy. When I was young I had very little self confidence...so I know how it feels. As life goes on you will hopefully become more and more confident in yourself. The good thing for you is that you are young and have many years ahead of you. I have come to appreciate that all relationships don't just work, you have to put a lot into a relationship to truly make it work well. I can't tell you how many couples that I have known over the years and have thought that they were the "perfect couple" and then they ended in a breakup. I am convinced that there are no "perfect relationships." If there is one thing I have learned it's that good relationships contain respect from both sides. You will always have differences, it's just human nature, but you must maintain that respect. I'm not going to tell you what you should do, only you can make that decision. Just do what's right for you and YOUR future. Change is not always a bad thing? As an aside, never let anyone drive your car with a revoked license. If there were an accident your insurance company may not cover you and you may lose your license for allowing them to drive. You could also be sued if someone was hurt. Good Luck. I wish you the best!
I'm going to be the first to say in this thread (feel free to disagree with me) that some of the advice on here I really don't understand. First of all, nothing you said actually points to you guys fighting all the time, or constantly disrespects you, etc. We all do things that piss off our boyfriend/girlfriend, it's not like it's a new thing. And yeah, it sounds like he's at a point in life where he's trying to juggle real world adult responsibilities compared to when he was a teenager. It's hard as hell, coming from someone going through it now. Hopefully this is a life lesson to him that he can't be taking such things for granted. And, well, I'm gonna be blunt. You're in a relationship, a committed one (1 and a half years, you said), you connect on a personal level, great friends as well, etc. The thing is, when you decided to be in a relationship, you made a promise to be there for each other. That's what makes a relationship work, and abandoning him at this time of need is just a huge disrespect to him and to yourself. Yes, he made mistakes, but it's up to you (and others of course) to try to help him through that. Just because things get hard does it mean that you give up. Even if you're questioning you're identity and relationship, you've still got a duty to help him out. Just dumping him at this period is a pretty cruel thing to do. What you've said doesn't make it seem like you're going to want to break up with him, but I WOULD recommend that you talk to some people (maybe even on here, or a professional) about you questioning your identity. Huge difference between what you want (perhaps to be straight so things can get easier) and what is reality (i.e. you might just be gay). I'm sorry this is happening, but that's my two cents. I wish you luck, keep us posted!
That sounds like bullshit. And if he was driving an uninsured car, but owned one himself, he would have been covered by his insurance. Besides... adding to what RedState said, if your license is revoked, you don't just assume that somebody is taking care of it. You follow up for yourself and make sure everything is OK. Again, someone who is responsible doesn't just "miss a court date." And if it was a simple miscommunication, they wouldn't be coming to his house and hauling him off to jail, nor would they be keeping him in jail. People aren't saying things about your boyfriend to be mean, or to make you feel bad. We're saying it because we care and because we honestly believe that you deserve better, and you're in an unhealthy situation. This guy isn't showing any sort of responsibility. On the contrary, he's actively ducking responsibility. He's treating you abusively, you're fighting, he's in trouble with the law, and nothing about him sounds like someone who is going to lift you up or encourage you to move in a positive direction... on the contrary, it sounds like the opposite. Of course... what you do is your decision, and none of us can stop you, nor would it be our place to do so, from continuing to see this guy. I think what people are saying, though, is that you should look at the situation more objectively, and if you do... I think you'll see that it's incredibly abusive and unhealthy, and you'd be a lot better off without it.
Hi J Snow, Given the fact you have been with your boyfriend for a year and a half now, do you think he will learn from his mistake? Getting arrested and going through what he is going through can be quite a wake up call for anybody. Reading what you have posted so far it seems that you don't want to break up with him because you still love/care about him. That said, this situation really bothers you. Perhaps its time to draw the line for yourself to know where your threshold at and yes he has messed up majorly, so the question is - Are you willing to forgive him? Almost everyone here has posted strong opinions from both spectrum of what is right and wrong, but its up to you to be the judge as the defender and prosecutor has presented their case to you. And understanding that this is your decision and you are responsible for yourself first and foremost.
Ugh I just missed his call and I feel like crap. He straight up told me when he would call, and that his phone call is all he has to look forward to in there and I forgot my phone in my car when I got home. I remembered like 10 minutes after he called =( I feel so shitty right now... I really can't even describe how bad I feel. He didn't own a own car. He grew up in foster care. His mom was taken from his mother at a very young age (for good reason). He's living back with one of his foster dad's now, but at the time this all happened he was staying with me in my college town, about 45 minutes away. This was all ike over a year ago, but I think I had class and couldn't drive him. I don't know exactly why he's in trouble for it because I did drive him to court once. I really don't know what the deal is, and talking to him he seems pretty confused about it too. In all honesty, I think he is, or at least was before this. He got a full time job at a hotel. A pretty decent job. He was saving up money to pay his fines and get a used car. He was living with three of his foster brothers, but the person who had the apartment in their name was taking money from them for rent, and not paying it. Which is why the two of them moved back in when one of their foster dads. Still, he was taking the bus to and from work, and was going to start college next year. I thought things were going really well up until this whole thing. I know he tries. And he could use his current pay check to get him out now instead of waiting for his court date, but he's saving it so he can have some money for when he gets out for the bus and stuff so he can look for a new job. The whole driving thing irritates me (I don't think he'll be wanting to drive anymore...) but I think its just because he's had no control over his life. He's been moved from his mom's, to other relatives, to foster care places, to foster families, and I think he just likes being able to feel like he can control some things, even if they are little things... Honestly I'm probably responsible for a lot of it. If something he does bother me, I often don't say anything about it and he doesn't even realize, then when I leave I send him a text message about it. Which is pretty immature of me... Yeah... thinking about him being in there and not being able to do anything is making me really depressed. I'm so pissed at myself for missing his call... Like, I can't explain it. Its so frustrating. I just want to tell him I'm sorry but I can't even do that!!! I'm really tearing up now =(
Hi J Snow, No worries...he will call again soon~ In the mean time I noticed you have a LOL avatar. I guess you play LOL
I do indeed. I've played since closed beta. I'm ranked 1443 in arranged 3v3, 1351 in solo/duo queue currently. Just finished going 69/0/1 in a bot game to practice playing jungle Twitch since I just unlocked him >.< There used to be a LoL thread up somewhere. I have a few posts in it. Even posted a champion concept I came up with. I came out with a new one since then that I think is pretty cool =P Sorry for that little nerd rant. I'm kind of obsessed with LoL >_> He actually did call back a bit later. I thought he only got one chance to call a night and I missed it. I guess I was wrong. I'm glad I I got to talk to him, and it made me feel better that he knew I really wanted to. However it also is depressing to hear him talk about how awful it is in there =/ Oh well... I start my new job tomorrow. Its just at Subway, but I'm sick of having to mooch off my parents. So that's something to be optimistic about.
I don't think this event, specifically, warrants you leaving him. Just be there to support him now when he needs it and work out the relationship things when he is out. I would suggest having a talk about his honesty. A lot of the things you say sound like he may be lying to you about stuff, which is never a good thing. Getting arrested happens to a lot people, even good people who make stupid mistakes. It sucks he is going to lose his job, but he will find another. It's hard to hear you are still struggling with things regarding your gender. I think that you may want to do one of two things 1) say fuck it! and continue living life as a man who gets turned on by the thought of being a woman but still enjoys being a man, and develop ways of enjoying your life that way 2) say fuck it! and just start transitioning and stop pussy-footing about things you may end up on the fence for 20 years and by then no decision will have been made, and it would be 20 years you could have spent living life the way you have always wished to live it, either with confidence and self-esteem as a man, or with confidence and self-esteem as a woman. At some point a decision should be made so you can put all this confusion and frustration behind you. Not to say that transition will solve all your problems, but at least you will have a goal and when the question comes up you can say "yea, I'm transsexual" and then that will be it instead of "well, you know, I may be trans, but I'm not really sure, maybe not, it's kinda complicated" or you could be like "I wish I was a girl, but transition just isn't for me, and I'm happy being a boy anyways" then jsut let all this confusing become a thing of the past. Sometimes the answer to situations like this is to jsut take action, take a leap, hunker down and MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN
