To appease to the TL;DR crowd out there, I'll try to provide a short/sweet version of what I've gone through over the past few months: - met a straight guy online - started out as casual sex - started texting more - started seeing each other more frequently and in public - decided to be exclusive and take it slow - first gay relationship for him - realized that he has not mentioned us/introduced me to any of his friends - he emphasizes his fear of rejection from family and friends - he starts to close off emotionally - he no longer mentions things we can do together in the future - he tells me he wants a wife/kids - over I'm not sure what to think of the break-up. Was it me - did I get too serious, too soon with it all - too many serious talks? I blame myself for not being patient enough with him - for not understanding how scary it is to tell at least one person about this new world. I could have done more. I should have been more understanding. He always showed me he cared, but I failed to understand that him separating us from his family/friends was not a reflection of what he truly felt for me, but a reflection of where he is at right now with his life. I feel like I've screwed up what could've been a really great relationship :tears:
What happened is sad but it's not your fault. If he isn't ready for a relationship then he isn't ready. It wasn't fair of him to go out with you if he wasn't ready to go out with a guy. If he wasn't meting your needs as a boyfriend then you have every right not to feel bad about the relationship ending. In a few months, when your with another guy, you'll realize what a gift it was not to be trapped in a closet relationship.
I agree with Snyder. It's natural for us to blame ourselves when we breakup with a lover or even a friend, but don't be too hard on yourself. It's not your fault that the relationship ended. While relationships in which one or more partners are closeted can work out, it sounds like he wasn't quite ready to go out with a guy.
Simply put, he wasn't ready for a gay relationship, and never was. The fact was, for most males who are Kinsey 1 (straight, but slightly gay) - sort of like your ex-boyfriend - it is a lot easier for them just to break off these kinds of things, move on and pretend they never happened. He's in denial about his slightly homosexual urges, and never moved past the stage of denial. And because he's straight, he can do that.
Thank you for the replies! The thing is...he shows his emotions through actions. He definitely made time for me and made sure he showed me how much he cared. We got along so well, and we had a lot of fun together. Even if I wouldn't have been introduced to his family and friends in the near future, I was confident that we would work things out. I miss him...and us. Although, now the feeling of me, the relationship, that life he led will never be uncovered by anyone on his side...it makes me even more sad. It's like...none of this really existed
well it did exist and you know it and he knows it. that's all that matters. i know that if one person is out and the other person isn't sometimes there can be friction. but i never undertand why because when you start the relationship, you know where the other person is and if they are not out, the person that is out should not try and force and harrass the non-out person about coming out. i have heard that some people that are out will say to the non-out person.. "oh so i guess i'll never meet your family huh"; "so i guess i'll be your "friend" when you introduce me to your other friends" and things of this nature. for the person that is out, they are taking it as a personal offense. for the person that is not out, they are dealing with so much and they're doing good enough to even try and be in a relationship with the same sex and with someone who is out. you really have the power to put yourself in a relationship that will work for you where you do not feel like a dirty little secret. if that is important to you, then find the best possible options (a non closeted bi-curious non straight guy that is gay and out) that can give you want you want and need. comments like these and any attitude or drama that comes from these types of situations, only pushes the non-out person to throw up his/her hands and say forget it and put distance between you. also, they are dealing with their own issues and the thought of coming out could be far too much for them and any additional drama from their partner is enough to "convince them" that they should go back to a seemingly less hassle existense and be straight. my advice to you is stop blaming yourself. the other person probably was not ready for the type of relationship you wanted. so you have the power to meet someone who is ready for the type of relationship you want. also if you date someone that is in the closet again, respect where they are and the pace at which they move or dont move. if you decide to be in a relationship with someone like that, then you have to also be ok with how you will be hidden and compartmentalized in that person's life. if you're not ok with that, then do not get with a person that is in the closet.
^ to the above poster: THANK YOU SO MUCH for putting it all into perspective. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said. I knew going into the relationship that it would be a new experience for both of us, but you never really know unless you actually experience it first-hand. A few things to clarify: I had never asked my ex to broadcast to the world that he is/was gay. He, himself, suggested that he could potentially tell at least one person...but it was difficult for him to even find one. And I did tell him that he didn't need to come out - that's his own personal battle to fight on his own terms. The main thing that led to the feelings of confusion on my part was the lack of communication and lack of being emotionally open with me. He didn't ask me how we would go about making the relationship work given the circumstances...and I didn't want to bring it up because I didn't want to seem like a total nag. So, time just passed and nothing was done...there was no progress ---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2012 at 02:43 AM ---------- Oh gosh...now I feel more awful. This totally reaffirms my not being able to be patient...despite wanting to be patient. He's such a great guy and I totally screwed it up. I want to let him know how sorry I am and if we could give it another shot - I took it way too serious, too quickly
again, stop blaming yourself. you sound like you weren't pushy at all. you sound like you gave him his space. but HE sounds like he was not ready for a relationship where communication was a conerstone of the relationship. so its not your faullt it did not work out. you are not wrong for wanting to have someone be emotionally available to you in a relationship without having to "guess" how they feel. unfortunately in situations where someone is confused or bi or not sure they really want a same sex relationshiop, they are not emotionally available becuase to be emotionallly available you have to first be in a place of acceptance of yourself and for these types, it's hard to be in that place. stop blaming yourself, keep the doors open for freindship but find someone who you can be in a positive relationship with that is emotionally avialble.
Not to be flippant or anything, but I wish I had a dirty little secret... Glad you've found the advice you sought though!
You're a blessing - thank you. I just wish that he would've told me if I was going too quickly or not. I would've known - it's hard to be kept in the dark like that. I do care for him and hope we can reconcile some day. It's not like it was a messy break-up or anything like that...it just didn't work out at this time in our lives. That makes it even more sad - that bigger things beyond us are at work.
no problem. glad this was beneficial to you. in some ways i think a lot of people have gone through this gay or straight. there's always that "straight crush" post on here, that "is he or is he not gay" post, that "i fell in love with a bi/questioning/downlow/closeted guy or girl and now they are backing off" post.... the point is that everyone comes to terms with their sexuality at their own speed and pace. it hurts when you are at one level and you really like someone else that may be at a different or newer stage than you are. sometimes its a crush you have on someone that you think is gay and all signs point to the fact they are but then all of a sudden things get weird and they stop being your friend and you never know why. the sad thing is that you can't get into someone's head. you can't really ever know why thing did or didn't work out unless they tell you. for many people its easier to just erase the situation from their mind and not deal with it because again, dealing with it, talking about it, and analyzing would mean they would have to actually see theirselves as "gay or bi" and not everyone wants to confront this even if they are have physical relations with teh same sex. for many people, they can perform "gay acts" but mentally separate theirselves from being 'gay" . i personally think this is a form of denial for many and a coping strategy they use to explore without identifying as gay/bi. this is what they need to do someetimes just to feel ok with theirselves. you must undertsand that most men in general aren't the best communicators when it coems to talking about feelings and emotions. i personally think its not because we "cant'" communicate well, but we have been trained not to communicate well regarding emotions and feelings. its beat into boys that those types of issues are 'girly". i think what you have to do is accept that both of you all didn't really do anything wrong and were only acting in a way that matched your comfort level. for him, it was out of his comfort zone to discuss these things. it probably made him feel "gay" which he does not want to feel. so since he does not want to feel like that, any situation with a man he has is really only going to go but so far. remember this situation and when you are dating someone new ask yourself, "is this person capable of being emotinally available? is this person a good communicator? is this person someone that i feel like i need to keep issues bottled in or they will dump me? the answers to those questions will determine if you exert any energy on the new person. best wishes.
