Disclaimer: This is a little choppy - I didn't proof or edit it. It's essentially a transcript of my thoughts right now. Kudos to you if it makes sense. I'm stuck in this rut. Still. Ok, let me explain. I'm gay. This is the first time I actually acknowledged it with such confidence. Or it was. There's still this tiny little thought in the back of my mind that it might not be permanent - that I will still "switch" back to straight - although I don't know if I was ever straight to begin with. Normally I'd be embarrassed to admit all this, but I'm past the point of caring anymore. But something is still holding me back. And I hate that. I don't get how one day I can completely believe myself when I tell myself "I'm gay", and then the next be like "Nah, jk, I was just disillusioned", and then other days "But what if I'm wrong?". I don't know how the hell to get over this. It's literally consuming my life. I think about it almost every hour of every day, which oftentimes gets in the way of real life. It's tormenting me. I know I'm gay. But am I? Am I in denial? I've never gotten off to straight porn, but I find girls attractive. I connect emotionally with them, but look at guys differently. I'm intimidated by guys, I have a hard time holding a conversation with them. Since puberty, I've watched gay porn. Keeping that life online seemed safe. I was straight in real life. I had a plan: to grow older, fall in love with a girl, get married, have kids, since I'd be able to "switch" off my internet addiction. But over the years that online persona's thoughts started to creep into my real life thoughts. But I can't be gay, can I? That's not me. Or is it? And here I am. Worrying myself to death - almost literally. I can't take it anymore. I need an answer, and I need to learn how to stop doubting myself. I'm tired of waiting. Tired of living like this. I've done it for almost a decade. But I have NO IDEA how to do this. It's not necessarily telling myself I'm gay. I can do that. It's keeping myself convinced that I really am OK with it. My mind is split in two, half wants to move forward, the other half is cemented in place. Even typing this out.... I've typed it out several times now, wanting to post it for days, but have thought "No, I don't feel like this, I feel like THIS," and then would type it from the other perspective, think again, erase, retype, repeat. My own freaking thoughts are at war with each other, on their own, in which I have no control over. I think I'm going insane.
Well I can definitely say I've been in your position before. It's really good that you're coming to terms with being gay and the doubt you're having are completely normal. I know what you mean about connecting with girls emotionally, but there's always something missing - physical attraction. You're probably going to have these periods of denial or doubt regarding your sexuality, but one day, you'll just accept it (I did!). I definitely wasn't OK with it at first, but you realise that it's something that you cannot change and that it's not all that bad. Just give it time and you'll be fine. Don't let it get to you too much and if anything focus on other aspects of yourself, after all, being gay isn't the entirety of your personality.
If you're attracted to girls, but you think you're gay, you might actually be bisexual, because you don't have to be attracted to both genders equally or in the same way; you can have a preference. With regard to how much you're suffering over this, I GET IT. Completely. I've been feeling that way, too. My advice: tell someone the whole story. Be it a friend, sibling, parent, teacher, whatever. Someone who has already come out is probably best, but depending on the kind of person you are, you might need to talk to someone who's going through the same thing you are. If you can find someone whom you trust without exception and you feel will neither judge nor reject you, tell that person. When I told my sister (who is not gay, not bi, straight as an arrow) what I'm going through, it felt like some of the burden was actually lifted off of me, and I felt so much better. Also, you may just need to experiment (if you haven't already) that's what I'm doing. Just let yourself feel what you feel, and trust yourself. You know you better than anyone. If you try to deny or suppress your feelings they will only come back with a vengeance and buckets of confusion and doubt. Good luck.
I could have written this exact post about six months ago, so I know pretty well what you are going through. I will try my best to share with you some realizations had that helped me to sort out exactly who I am. These are things I told myself, so they may or may not apply to you as well. 1. Even if I do find out later that there are some girls that I like, I am obviously still not straight by any stretch of the imagination. Guys definitely turn me on. 2. Yeah, Ican tell if a girl is attractive, but am I attracted to her? No, not really. Not in the way it counts. A beautiful girl to me is comparable to a beautiful painting. I'm not sexually attracted to either. 3. Am I just making this all up in my head? Have I merely convinced myself that I am gay? Unlikely. I have yet to hear a story of a gay guy who one day woke up and realized he was straight all along, or anything similar. 4. I've got nothing against gay people, so would I like myself any less if I were gay? (After a decade of hiding the truth from myself, it was the answer to this question that finally allowed me to come out to me.) I hope these helped in some way. Another good idea is to just keep educating yourself. Read or watch accounts of other peoples' experiences. That helped me a lot. Oh, and one more trick. Do your brain a favor and don't think about it 24/7. It can be surprising how much NOT thinking about this for a while can help to sort stuff out.
DEFINITELY I've been there, and it's not a fun place to be. Don't be too critical of yourself, and take some time to sort out your thoughts. I suffered about a year and a half of what you described, until I finally came to a conclusion. Talking to someone can also really help- they might make you think differently or realize something that you didn't before. And also what Cloudbreaker said in #3: that's a pretty rare case! Give it time, and it'll all make sense eventually- that's pretty much the approach I took, and it worked out fine.
Same here..I'm going through exactly same thing...I kind of know that I'm gay, but there's still something that tells me what if I'm not and because of that I can't come out to myself and admit it. But I agree with the opinions above, no matter how hard that is, try not to think about that very much. I know it's extremely hard and myself I'm struggling to do that but I think that's the best way to approach. Good luck anyway
