So for the past 2-3 years I've felt as if I didn't care about anything. I've always had low self esteem, doubted my abilities, never really cared for anyone or anything. I've never felt like I've truly belonged anywhere. I was emotionally neglected as a kid and criticized for everything I did by my brother and family. This lead to me feeling worthless and withdrawn from everyone, and bottling up my emotions and not showing my true self. I'm only 19 now and I can't move out but I realize that I have a deep hatred for my family. My brother (22) has the most annoying attitude in the world and is always hyper. My mom is a complete B*tch, and the majority of interaction we have is when she needs to whine or complain at me. My dad isn't as bad, but I can't have a serious conversation because he acts like a 10 year old and takes everything as a joke and it just annoys the crap out of me. And in all honesty, I've never felt loved/ like anyone cared for me in my life, or at least in the recent past. I've never been a relationship and I've always been afraid of opening up/talking to others. I rarely look forward to the future, and often ask myself "why do I even go on?" I do have friends, but I don't really have feelings for them and rarely talk to them. I read online about depression symptoms and here's how I feel. Feeling sad, lonely, down, Feeling excessively self critical, worthless Loss of self esteem Feeling tired, energyless, exhausted Feeling empty, hollow, lifeless, dead Disinterest in everything and anyone Irritability Concentration problems Decrease in communication Withdrawn behavior Highly agitated behavior (in an agitated depression) Exaggerated excitement; person looks as if he/she is trying to hard to appear happy Seems like depression due to the fact I can relate to all these points.... but it could be something else. I'm sorry this is all over the place but I honestly don't know what to do at this point. :icon_sad: Thanks for reading.
I can't really help you deal with it any better than you already are, I suffer from bouts of depression too; the carelessness, the emptiness, hyperly-self critical, not wanting to get up in the morning, that dead wandering feeling.. That's all pretty familiar to me. : o( The fact that you're addressing your depression to such an extent is a big step! You can look at yourself in retrospect and decide what you need. Talking to someone heart-to-heart will help most definitely. It sounds like you just need someone to relate to, and you need to let yourself relate to them (I don't know if that makes sense...). It may also be worth saying that seeing a doctor about your depression, even if it doesn't "feel" or you don't think it may be clinical, would not be a terrible idea. I've personally never seen a doctor about depression (or much of anything!), but I've heard it can help. I'm sorry I couldn't be of help on this matter. :::: ( Wish you the best!
Depression is common in people our age, and moreso among LGBT young adults. The good news is that therapy is one of the most easily treated mental illnesses. The are two necessary and a third optional components to recovery: Self-care: When I'm depressed a lot of things drop under my radar. I don't eat properly, don't sleep properly, don't exercise, and don't perform routine hygiene. Failing to do these things makes me feel even worse, which makes me less likely to do them. This becomes a negative feedback cycle unless deliberately broken. Getting back on top of routine self-care is a necessary component for recovery. Therapy. Therapy does several things. It can serve as a way to analyze your past, but is also used to develop and coach better living and thought patterns in the present. A good therapist will help make sure you are performing self-care tasks, give you advice on how to do so, and teach you ways of thinking that are healthier. Medication. Not everyone who experiences depression needs medication, some (including me) do. Anti-depressants are not "happy pills"; they do not automatically boost mood. Rather they expand the emotional range the patient is capable of feeling and provide a boost of energy. Feel free to ask here or in a PM if you have any questions about how to get the help you need.
I do think that loneliness is a big problem as you said. I need someone I can relate to and for me to let myself relate to them. I suppose a big part of that is being gay.... I don't know any gay people my age I can relate to or talk to. I still haven't fully accepted I was gay so there's still the issue there, also I still act out the fake "straight" me in front of my friends because I haven't told them I was gay. I want to tell them, but I really need someone whom I can trust and relate to first. And don't worry about it, you have helped with the situation I'm in. every little bit counts Thanks ---------- Post added 5th Apr 2012 at 09:49 PM ---------- The self care is a big one for me especially when it comes to exercise, eating, and sleeping properly, so I could definitely improve on those. I've really been thinking about therapy/antidepressants lately.... biggest thing is I also have a problem with doubting myself. One part of me tells me I badly need emotional therapy..... another part of me says, there's nothing wrong at all and I should simply continue my life the way it is. So It's a struggle. I'll shoot you a PM.
Hey there, Kyle! I'm sorry you've been feeling really depressed for a while. So have I. I'm the same age as you, and I've had depression problems ever since my mum died thirteen years ago, so I definitely know where you're coming from! The reasons for my depression might be different, but we still have problems with depression. Not that that's a good thing, but it's nice to find someone that understands, someone to relate to, even if it's just over the internet. I think a part of why I've been depressed has to deal with me being pan, maybe a small part, but still a part of it. I told my friends and my boyfriend, but I was still kinda secretive about it and stuff. I mean, if one of my friends or my boyfriend would say anything about it around someone who didn't know, I'd get really paranoid & just deny it, especially at work. But my only friend at work that new outed me to my shift, which I'm actually glad he did. Because now everyone at work knows and it's made me feel a bit better. I've also told most of my family, well the ones who actually matter to me. It's good for at least some people in your life to know about your sexuality. I'm not saying you need to tell EVERYONE, but you should try to find at least one person, at least for right now. Once some people find out, you'll feel a little better about yourself because you'll feel like you won't have to hide yourself so much. And if you could find someone in real life that's had problems with depression, or is currently having problems, that'd prolly be a bit of a help too. Because you'd be able to relate to them. I know that I've never really done anything about my depression, not anything major. I've basically just tried to deal with it myself, without letting anyone know, which has just let it get worse and worse until it's gotten out of control quite recently. My boyfriend and I are actually currently on the rocks right now because of it, I've been acting kinda crazy lately and it's just putting waaay too much pressure on the relationship. We've been dating for almost a year, but I just recently let everything out about my depression and stuff to him. And he's been trying to help me the best he can, but just the two of us trying to fix it isn't helping much. Unfortunately. Which is why I've decided to do more stuff, get more help. Because I'm not about to let my depression get worse and let it totally ruin my relationship. So I decided to get some books on depression, read up on it and see if that'll help any. And my boyfriend said something about getting the church involved because his mum got a priest before when he was depressed, and he said that helped. And I'm also gonna see if I can find any depression group therapies or support groups around where I live, or any doctors even. Maybe you should try doing something like that. I don't know if it'll help me, but I figure it's worth a try, since my depression's ruining my life. So maybe you should try something like that, because it might help you too! I hope though that whatever you do, it helps and makes you feel better! ^.^
I would go into the "individual support" under the sticky threads and pick out an adviser and ask them for help.
Hey Kyle, I can definitely feel where you're coming from. Some days I wake up really happy and then I'll go for 2 weeks being depressed and in a haze. Even hanging out with friends, I'll be a part of stuff but my mind is elsewhere. I have done a lot of self reflection lately, and I realized that I needed a change. I'm naturally very introverted and socially awkward, and it often contributes to these feelings. I get bored with day to day life and even of the people I'm around. So in my time trying to find myself, I decided I could improve myself a lot without changing who I am. I decided to start getting a better sleep schedule and start exercising, and lost 30lbs. I started to be more hygienic than before, and bought new clothes, to get a better, mature look. This gave me enough confidence to start conquering my shyness. I started just saying hi to everybody in public, smiling all the time (first almost forcefully, but now very naturally), being more outgoing to people I know or just met, and I've met a lot of new friends by doing this. During all this self-improvement is when I finally admitted to myself I was bi. Since the very day I looked at myself in the mirror and said it, I haven't been happier. I haven't come out yet to anyone, but I'm going to very soon, at least to my close friends. Because of all this, when I wake up, I smile and want to get up. I'm happy at work talking to customers, I have new found love and interest in my friends, and am getting used to meeting a lot of people. I look forward to every day and get enjoyment from the small things in life for the first time in forever. So basically all that is to say this: go outside your comfort zone. It is a frightening but infinitely liberating experience. I never thought I would do it, but it's like a whole new life. Good luck, I hope you are able to put your life where you need to be, and if you need anyone to talk to more personally, send me a message.
