I am not fond of people that enjoy labeling sexuality. As time transgresses however I believe I think like that because I personally cannot label mine at all. WARNING LIFE-LONG RANT AHEAD!! As part of the new generation of children exposed to technology, I discovered sex by myself at a pretty young age (12/13). I distinctly remember being turned on by women. However, three years ago I became close friends with the only non-homophobic girl in my grade. Since I've lived abroad most of my life, particular in countries where homosexuality is not tolerant, I was never properly aware of it, in addition my parents although highly condemn it. Going back on topic however, this girl helped me accept homosexuality and helped me kill my homophobia. With this new found knowledge, I began looking up gay porn. Three years later it is the only type I seem to enjoy. Although it might seem like I am a guy that is discovering his homosexuality, there are more complications. I have many experiences with women. Actually, the only gender I seem to be comfortable enough to talk to without any barriers or tensions is women. I've only felt romantic feelings for women and actually just came out of a relationship. I've come to the conclusion that I seem to be romantically attracted to females but not sexually unless I feel close to the person. The deal with men is a different tale. Almost all my friends in highschool are female, I relate to them best. My biggest fear is not being able to please my "future wife" sexually because I've seem to have grown out my attraction to female genitalia. I have hardly any connections which make relate to guys. I dont play videogames and overall I consider myself very mature. I cant seem to hold intellegent conversation with most of the narrow-minded males at my school which I affectionately call "neanderthals". Regardless of the overall male stupidty in my school year, I still want to skull fuck half of them My experience with males is minimal. I've had full on sex with a stranger once out of curiosity. Instead of feeling more secure of what I am I just felt more confused. I have come out as bisexual to four people, all of them have been supportive which was a real relief. I don't plan on ever informing my family. I love them to death, I have great parents and siblings... all of them are always there for me but I have grown up in a homophobic christian household, where my parents increasing dislike of homosexuality is scaring me off christianity and has prompted me to not attend church for over two years. Next year I will be moving back to my country of origin (UK) and I hope to discover myself more... I've never lived there and I am preparing to deal with cultural shock. If you have reached this point in my long rant, I want to thank you for reading... I felt like I needed to get all of this off my chest, this is arguable the most open I have ever been and this is definitely new for me. I guess my question would be... what would you class my sexuality as? Thanks for reading once again!! (!)
First, hi, and welcome to EC. Second... if I had a dollar for every person who had given basically the same explanation (emotionally closer to women, all their friends are women, they feel attraction toward men but have had sex with women, etc) and argued that they are straight or bisexual... I'd be able to, at the very least, buy a shiny new ipad. But i digress. While undoubtedly people will show up and say you're bi... and maybe you are... what you're describing sounds closer to the early stages of someone in the process of coming out and accepting that they're gay. The issue is that in the early stages of accepting oneself, we play a lot of games to try and convince ourselves that we're bi, that we're not really gay, that it's a phase, that something happened that made us this way... any of a thousand excuses. And so it's really complicated to sort of tease through the bullshit your unconscious and conscious minds are arguing about and get at the real truth. Because... conscious wants to reject the idea you're gay, and will come up with every conceivable excuse to justify that. Now... as I said above, it is possible you aren't gay. And furthermore, sexuality isn't trinary; it's a spectrum. So you aren't really choosing between "bi" and "gay", but trying to figure out where you are on the spectrum. If I were to guess, I'd say you'll end up toward the gay side of the spectrum, and probably find yourself, a couple years from now, looking for Mr. Right rather than Ms. Right. But the reality is, you can't really know for sure until you are comfortable accepting the truth, whatever that outcome is. As long as you have attachment to one or the other outcome... then your conscious and unconscious are going to basically push you in the direction of the answer you want, rather than the answer that's truthful. Once you can learn to let go and be OK with whatever the outcome is... then it will start to become clearer where you actually fall on the spectrum. I hope that makes sense. Let me know if it doesn't
It makes absolute sense, thank you, really. I guess time will tell... how unnerving. Regardless, I am grateful to have come across this forum, it can be hard to hold in this stuff :/
