I need advice

First off, welcome to EC.

I understand how hard it can be to find gay/bi people who are out, but I think I can say with confidence that there is at last one there. It can be a hard feeling to supress, even in a mostly homophobic community. Even if you find someone who is gay, it doesn't neccasarily mean that you two must date for being the only gay people in your community, but you both can be great moral support for each other. I think you would just have to look alittle more.

Labeling yourself is not as important or manditory right now. As Chip says, it is more like a spectrum - which i agree with compeltly. From the sound of it i would say you lean between bi to gay on the spectrum. Three words can not label someones sexuality - think of it as a percentage.

Lastly I would advise leaving your girlfriend. Her clingynes seems to be hurting you. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. If she actually helps you though, it may be nice to keep her as a friend- if that is possible.

I really do wish the best to you, even if it looks bad now, things will get better. Befor you know it, you will be 18 and be able to make your own decisions as an adult.

 

Don't worry your not the only one with this problem

 

Welcome to EC!

It's not an uncommon thing, being gay in an area where there simply aren't any other gays. And it's double unfortunate (and all too likely) that where there aren't any other gays, people tend to look down on them. To the people in your town, for the most part, gays are "them". They're a group of people they don't think they interact with, and so it's easy to discount them and talk smack about them.

What should you do? First thing - break up with your girlfriend. It seems clear that, relationship-wise, that's a dead end. So the longer you stick with her, the harder it'll be to break free. You can be honest with her without telling her the whole story. Tell her you do like her, but you just don't feel anything physically for her. You've given it some time to see if something developed, and nothing did. And rather than have her stuck with somebody who doesn't like her like that, you think it'd be more fair to both of you to break up, so you can both find somebody who DOES like you both like that.

Second - and this is the tough one - wait and plan. You're 14 in an area without any (other) gays, so even if the community IS accepting, you don't have a dating pool. So you'll have to work on expanding outwards. Presumably, that'll involve relocating outside that town of yours. I don't know if you're thinking of going to college, or just getting a job out of high school. But either way, start your long-term plan. At that point, the entire world opens up to you. Most people in your situation seem to focus on two options - "the next biggest town over" or "one of the gay meccas". But your choices go beyond Billings or San Francisco. Most every city of some size has a decent-to-good gay population and dating scene. Just have it in your head that you want to be in a good-sized town, and let other factors weigh your decision. Which school do you think would be a good fit? What places might you be able to afford to live?

The tough part of this is, of course, that that's four years down the road. You're already to the point where you want to start experimenting, and telling a 14-year-old to "wait four years" is like telling a five-year-old in September to "wait until Christmas". I understand your desire to get going on this front, but honestly, waiting is the best move. Feel free to talk to us here as much as you want, so you can at least have an outlet for discussing your sexuality. And I know a lot of gay guys your age fall into "long-distance online relationships", which can be OK in their way, although they tend to sometimes get awfully squirrelly. Seriously, the smart move is to just plan ahead. So "future you" can take advantage of all the planning that "present you" did.

Lex