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Change?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MommaFrog, Apr 8, 2012.

  1. MommaFrog

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    I was hoping going to bed last night would make the pain stop.

    It didn't...

    Why do I seem to attract this type of person? The "Lets see how far I can push her" kind? 6 times I got stood up, and he has the gall to get mad at ME for texting him upset. So I sat at the bar, alone, drinking my margarita dressed all up with nowhere to go. I heard the guys down the bar talking. One of them said something" about buying "the cutie down the bar a drink. his friend said not to because "she's not that cute its the beer goggles bro"... I was the only female sitting at the bar...

    I dont even have friends to go out with... No one to call or text and say "Hey lets hang out and go -insert activity here-....

    I've tried befriending my fellow students in my classes out at the college. I've tried making friends with my co-workers.... none of it has helped.... they are all like "why is she talking to me?" i can see it in their faces...

    What is wrong with me that no one wants to be around me accept all of you amazing ECers...

    It is because I have a daughter at 21? Because I'm divorced? Because I'm fat? Ugly?

    Someone, anyone just tell me how to change and I will.... Tell me what to do to make people want to be my friend.... I'm already loosing weight, tanning, doing my make-up, growing my hair out and actually styling it daily, dressing more main stream.... I don't know what else to do.... PLEASE help me.... :help:
     
    #1 MommaFrog, Apr 8, 2012
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2012
  2. silverhalo

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    I think most importantly you just have to not give up. You are going through a tough time, made harder by the divorce that you have just gone through and by the fact you have a daughter, which is not a bad thing but it can make it harder as you have committments to her.

    Im not sure you need to change too much, I think the problem is when you are having a tough time and things all seem to be going against you everything hurts that little bit more. If you were going through a good patch and were in the same situation last night, or you were in a happy relationship or your date had later turned up, you would probably have just laughed at the situation. As for the thing with your classmates, it may be that they werent thinking that but because you dont have many friends at the moment you almost expect them to reject you before you even start.

    Is there any chance you can start a new hobby, I know it must be tough with your studies and your daughter. An LGBT support group or just a new hobby, if you dont have anyone to look after your daughter then are there any Mother and child groups near you then you might meet some other people like you. I think in this country there is a single parent support forum on the internet perhaps there is something like that you could join where you may meet other people like yourself in a similar situation.
     
  3. Chip

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    There are two big things I think you can do, and they are both interrelated.

    The first is to get into therapy and explore your self-esteem issues. People struggling with self-esteem issues are going to attract (or be attracted to) unhealthy people because, at an unconscious level, they don't feel like they deserve better. Even if you aren't aware of this at a conscious level, it's definitely there and definitely affecting you.

    The second is to work on really loving yourself. Accepting yourself as-is, owning all of your imperfections, whatever they may be, and owning the responsibility to change your outlook. That isn't going to be instant; on the contrary, it's a time consuming and not always pleasant process of self-discovery, but it's crucial in being able to attract someone happy and healthy.

    I would also suggest getting Brene Brown's "I Thought It Was Me, But It Isn't" and "The Gifts of Imperfection." You can search out her three Ted Talks on Youtube as well.

    I also think the suggestion of getting into a mother-and-child group, as silverhalo suggested, is an excellent one. But the self-work is going to be really crucial to making long-term change. Once you start doing that, I think you'll be surprised at how, almost magically, the quality of the people you attract, and are attracted to, will change for the better.
     
  4. MommaFrog

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    I am in therapy but it is not very helpful... I feel great when I leave therapy but as soon as I get home my mother say something like "You went to therapy wearing THAT" or "You need to put more make-up on, I can still see all of your zits..." and then she wonders why I have low self esteem...

    Between my ex-husband and my family its a miracle i can look at myself without crying...

    Unfortunately the only local LGBT group has a TON of drama I really don't want to get involved in, as well as many of them are good friends with my ex-husband, and I don't need him knowing my business...

    I'm trying to pick up scrap-booking, I've been working on one for my daughter. I just get tired of being either alone or with my overly critical condescending condemning family...

    I'm going to attempt to start going to "Mommy and Me" and the library, now that I finally have a car...

    I don't really want a bf/gf right now. I just want someone i can go do things with, to talk to....
     
  5. Chip

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    It sucks to have an unsupportive parent. But if you're stuck living at home, and you want to improve your situation in life, you need to take steps to make it happen. And the first one is to tell your mom something to the effect of "If you aren't going to say something positive, please don't say anything at all. I'm not interested in, and not going to listen to, your criticisms." And then enforce that. As soon as she says anything negative, ignore her and leave the room, and don't talk to her for an hour or two. That may be the only way she'll get the message, but she should eventually get it.

    Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own destiny, regardless of what shitty parents or shitty friends or shitty relationships we have had. We can't choose our parents, but we can choose how we interact with them. And we can choose our friends, and if our friends aren't supportive... then we can choose to let them go. But the self-esteem problems will not improve until you can start to believe that you deserve better, and start acting to get it.

    All of those sound like wise moves.
     
  6. MommaFrog

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    I had another bad day today. Mom yelling at me and all I heard was HIS voice.... calling me worthless and fat and ugly and lazy and everything else. Why do I hear HIS voice all the time? Why can't I seem to escape him?

    Mom was upset because I had bought some shoes and a belt and a few shirts. But she's constantly telling me I need to take more pride in my appearance, so... I'm still a little confused why its such a big deal that I bought myself clothes...

    Im thinking of giving up... just giving in a doing things her way.... She hates that I'm online a lot, especially here on EC....
     
  7. silverhalo

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    I think her actions towards you are actually nothing to do with what you do. Your Mum obviously has her own issues whatever they may be, so it probably wouldnt matter what you did she would probably still put down on you. I would imagine she possibly has self esteem issues too and so the act of putting you down makes her feel better about herself.

    Im guessing she wouldnt agree but is there any chance she would go to some sort of family therapy with you?

    I think it might help to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and tell yourself you are a good person and not doing anything wrong. I know its difficult and might seem stupid but it really can help.