So, here's my story. I've known for a long time that I am gay, being gay in my [Filipino] family is something that is either a "phase" or a "disease". Being the older of two children, the other being a female 8 years younger, I have helped raise her to be the successful young woman she is today (or at least like to think so), I've always had to play the role of older brother and the man who would one day carry on our family name. My sister and I are best friends and I figured nothing would ever change that, she and I know each other, what each others' likes or dislikes, bottom line, she is my world. I've been questioned in the past about being gay or not by family and friends, and being the coward that I am, I lied and became defensive every time I was asked. My parents to this day are bugging me about wanting grandchildren...which in my mind, I always think "that's not going to happen." A few years ago I got a bacterial infection thinking that this infection would kill me, and if it did, my secret would go along with me. It was time to rethink how I would go along with my life, when I die, what are they going to find in my room, what were the movies I kept on my hard drive. I convinced to the best of my ability to my friends and family that I didn't want to get married nor did I want to have any children because I've seen the struggles that went along with the relationships around me, and that my money that I make is mine and no one else. For the most part I think they bought that. Anyhow, back to the infection, I needed to tell someone who I THINK that would never abandon me nor ever stop loving me for who I am. My sister and her then boyfriend took a trip to where I live to celebrate her 24th birthday as well as hang out with the extended family in the area. On her birthday, she and her boyfriend had gotten into an argument and I had to pull her outside to calm her down. She was in tears, and her boyfriend who remained inside was in tears and I decided that outside I would tell her. First I asked why was she fighting with her boyfriend at some point her argument somehow kind of fit what I wanted to get at. At this point I told her that I knew how she felt because (legs started to shake) and then I stalled and looked up at the sky. Once again with tears streaming down my face I said I knew how she felt because (legs started to tremble violently) and stalled once again. Finally, I said, I knew how you felt because I am gay. She was shocked and said "what?" I broke out into full on tears and she gave me a hug. It was then and there I knew she still loved me because I was scared for a moment that I would lose the best thing in my life. She has known since then and no one else has. Fast forward two weeks ago. I visited my family up in the state where I was born and raised because my sister had a function that for the first time I would like to witness her passion. I met her new boyfriend and as of this post are in a serious relationship. I was in trouble. BIG TROUBLE. All of a sudden I had the biggest crush on my sister's boyfriend. Who am I going to tell? My sister?! I don't think so. I finally figured that I needed to come out to someone else so I can vent my frustration. I thought of what friend I would tell, I told my sister that I wanted to come out to someone else because I wanted to talk about it with someone other than herself (because it was something I didn't want to bring up with her). I felt relief when my friend didn't care, she was upset that I thought she wouldn't be my friend after I came out, and that she already knew because my ex-roommate years ago found a dvd in my room, she [the friend] just needed solid confirmation. Anyhow, long story short, she told me that it wasn't so much about the crush on my sister's boyfriend, but about what he represents...something that I wanted for myself. She's right. There is this message board I do graphics for and made a friend from it and neither of us ever met or spoke over the phone, and for the most part she just assumed I was gay due to the nature of the message board. Anyway, I told her about the crush on my sister's boyfriend and she too said the EXACT SAME THING. So now, I sit here on an Easter Sunday, doing some reflecting, scared about how I want to come out to everyone but still don't have the courage to. I am sad because my sister and her boyfriend have a fairytale-esque relationship (seriously they do but that is another story for another time) that I would love to have myself, but can't because I'm too much of a coward. I have a cousin who is openly gay and no one cares, BUT they all think it's a phase which I've heard comments like "stop being gay so you can have kids" or "stop being gay because [insert whatever lame reason here]". I don't want that, I've struggled already in the past and now I'm getting to my breaking point. I sit here alone and criticize myself for coming off too strong with my sister's boyfriend...did I flirt too much? Did I get too emotional in front of him? The last thing I want is to ruin her perfect relationship with him, they are perfect for each other and I don't want it to end for them. I don't know, I think I lost my point somewhere in this post. Maybe I just wanted to air out. All I know is that I'm miserable and scared and lonely.
I feel for you dm78. I'd like to give you a big hug in real life. (*hug*) Congratulations for coming out to your sister, it's already a big step! I'm feeling also myself miserable and lonely right now so I know the feeling. I totally got the scared to death part of coming out essentially to your family, I have been there too. I said it to them, and as painful as that was (I really thought it would kill me at the time), that really released me of a lot of pressure and I wished I had done it long before! When I say pressure, I mean the grandchildren thing, people wondering where your GF is etc., which is a real burden since you have to lie all the time. You don't know what's on the other side, the reactions they're going to have, what your own reaction is going to be etc. Chances are, your family and friends can see that you're unhappy and just want you to be happy. That's what people who love us want for us. Reflecting on my personal experience, you can only be happy if you're in a place of authenticity. And people will love you for who you're. I'm still not there myself but every time I'm real, relationships seem to be much deeper and I feel I can breathe. Every time I lie, it's the opposite. We communicate to others way beyond what we say so they instinctively know anyway...
Thanks Thoughtsrus, I appreciate the reply. I am battling with the coming out to the parents right now, in one way I THINK they know, like for instance the saying "mom knows everything", I think my mom knows but is in denial while I think my dad knows and may or may not care. It's always that fear of the unknown that gets to me. Thank goodness for Google to find a forum such as this. I am comforted to know that someone other than my self may be in a situation like mine. Posting earlier my issue actually brought out a sense of relief. I'd like to give you a hug in real life too, goodness, I know I need some sort of human affection right now. What I really need right now is the courage, I've been told by my sister that no one cares, and it isn't a big deal which is true. I mean being gay isn't what defines me or us for that matter. I think it's different thinking to the one who is gay. She actually yelled at me because I told her that the reason I haven't come out is because "society thinks it's not right" and she shot back with "since when did you go with what society says anyway? Who gives a shit about what society thinks?". All true, but all so difficult. Anyhow, thanks for the response again. Hopefully I can post something more on the positive side next time.
The big deal is that it makes you unhappy that you're not coming out to your parents. Your parents know that you're unhappy and parents don't want that. If it's about them, that's a good reason to come out. For the society thing, yes, society is not very supportive yet because when you watch tv or anything, some people say scary stuff about gay marriage and everything. Now, it's between you and your mom and dad. F*** society. Let me know how it goes.(*hug*)
EVERYONE gives a shit about what society thinks. If they say they don't, they're just lying to themselves. There are many things about which I think society is wrong, but I definitely care about it. But your sister is right, in that it is important that we not allow our lives to be dictated by what other people think. The biggest problem, though, is that you are part of this society, and on some level you have internalized the idea that it's wrong--you at least partly believe it yourself. And that's the thing you most need to overcome, that's what's really torturing you. I think you would benefit enormously from making friends with some other gay people. Maybe you could come out to your gay cousin. I know you think that he won't understand you wanting to stay in the closet, but my guess would be that you're wrong. It's really, really unlikely that he would out you to your family, and it would make a big difference to you to have someone to talk to about it that understands. (Someone who knows you in real life, I mean.) Since you mentioned "the state [you] grew up in," can I assume that you aren't in the Philippines? Are you in the U.S., or somewhere else? I just want a general idea of the culture where you live. Incidentally, you can have children as a gay man. How difficult that would be will depend on where you live. You shouldn't assume that just because you're gay, you can't ever have kids. I don't know if you want them, but that's a different question. Your sister will probably have children. They won't have your family name, I suppose, but your parents will have to be satisfied with that, if you never have kids. Just as they would have to be satisfied with that if they had had only daughters, or if you were physically unable to have children for some reason. Now, intellectually, you seem to think that your parents will, at the very least, not disown you. It's just that emotionally, you are still afraid that they might. But just imagine what a difference it will make for you in your life to have their support. So, you need to find some way to take a small step at a time to become more comfortable with it, so that you can eventually tell them.
I've met many gay Filipinos (and straight ones) who say that in the Phillipines, homosexuality is very widely accepted, and that it is not unusual to see gays living their lives openly, owning property, and being respected in their communities. I suppose it depends on where you grow up, and how tightly the religious stranglehold is there. As far as crushing on your sisters boyfriend goes. Yeah, that's an issue. He is hers, they are together, and that is going to get you nowhere. I'm sure there are nice guys in your area just for you. You should find one for yourself. Do not be down on yourself about being gay, but definately begin to analyze and cope with your feelings towards this unavailable man, and move on. We all get straight crushes. It helps to talk about them, deal with them, and get over them ASAP. A straight crush is what brought me to these boards. I'm getting over it now. You can read about my straight crush here and the follow up thread abouthow to resolve it and the result, luckily it had a happy ending for me.
Thanks everyone for your input. I was born and raised in the United States (Midwest) and went to college and stayed in the South. Culturally two different places.
