I am really pretty conflicted about what to do... and I am ranting ... I am lucky enough to not have to come out to my parents yet since I don't live with them. But, in a month I am flying to Asia and I'm gonna be living with them for an entire month. I am basically completely out here among my friends and I am going to come out to my highschool friends when I go visit them on the way to Asia. The problem is that my older brother really thinks that I should not come out to my parents. He feels that they would not take it well and that I shouldn't rush to tell them. I agree with the not rushing thing, but I also don't understand what he expects me to do. I always had a more masculine side, which I have come to terms with even more since I came out. I cut my hair short and I am wearing cloths that I feel more comfortable in (more guy-ish). My brother tells me I should go back to what I was before I came out and not act so "gay" around my parents and extended family. He said that "its only a month, it shouldn't be too difficult right? Just try and get some more girly clothes". I love my brother and he means well and is just worried for me. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Because I was really upset and feeling a little resentful about trying so hard to be in the closet now that I know how good it feels to be myself. I don't want to go back to watching what I say, do, dress or act ... but I mean I was in the closet for a while ... so whats another month right? :bang:
First of all, as for your brother - I'm sure he does mean well, but something to consider: his advice for you to closet yourself around your parents and act more "girly" because he doesn't think they'll take it very well might actually have more to do with his own fears about what society thinks and what he expects them to do than with what your parents will actually say. It's this weird stage of acceptance, where you're okay with the gay person, but you still try to get them to hide things because "other people won't be as accepting as me, it's a hard life, the world is cruel," etc. etc. But like I say, this often comes more from the person's own insecurities with the idea. Unless your brother's had a conversation with your parents that went, "hey, what would you think if [shfh] was gay? How would you react?", then chances are he doesn't know 100%. As for whether to just go closet-mode for a month and then get back to your "regular" life - I do not recommend doing this. I did it myself for several years, and as harmless as you'd think it would be, forcing yourself back into the closet is emotionally confusing, stressful, and possibly psychologically harmful. It confirms what is probably a nagging suspicion that you're not good enough for your parents, that the biggest authority figures in your world won't accept you, and so on, without giving them a chance to speak for themselves and surprise you, or at least give you a starting point to work on acceptance. I think you should listen to your feelings of resentment, etc. about having to go back in the closet - you're having those feelings for a reason, and to me, they suggest this isn't something you should put yourself through.
Wow thanks! That's really great advice. It definitely cleared a lot of what I was wondering about why his advice made me feel the shame I felt back when I was curled up in the back of the closet. I guess I am going to have to find a way to explain to him that I cannot see myself going fully back into the closet even for a month, and that it isn't my fault (if I can convince myself of that too that would be great . . . ),and I am not trying to cause problems or anything. I mean its not like I plan on sporting a massive rainbow flag or a sign announcing I'm gay to the world. But . . . on the other hand ... I don't want to cause my parents to get any negative comments/judgement from my ultra traditional conservative asian relatives about how what I am wearing is not proper for a "woman" my age. I still have a month, but as May approaches, I get even more nervous. I don't know what I am going to do!!!
Well, you could tell your parents in advance, and ask THEM what you should do about it. Make sure you are firm about not dressing girly, though. Your brother is very wrong. He doesn't understand at all. Ask him how he would feel, if he had to dress girly for "just a month." It's torture, and the fact that you endured that kind of torture for a long time before doesn't make it any better. It's bad enough when something inherent about you is unacceptable to other people; it's much worse for you psychologically when you act as if you agree with them. Even if they react really badly, I think it will hurt you less than if you pretend to be someone you aren't, as if they were right that there is something wrong with you.
No problem. And yes, I think a conversation with your brother is in order (I like Ianthe's take on it, actually - I've done similar things with my family before and it always, 1) puts things into perspective really really quick for them, and 2) shuts them right the heck up :lol. You also don't have to be sporting a massive rainbow flag - the key here is to just be yourself. And don't worry too much about how your parents will deal with comments and/or judgments - as before, you don't know for a fact that they'll be getting any of those yet, and even if they do, I don't think it's worth you going back in the closet to save them from it. They're adults, and they can take care of themselves - just like you need to look after yourself. Sacrificing your own happiness to make others happy isn't going to make anybody happy in the long run. Good luck in any case. I'm glad you're thinking about this now - it sounds really healthy. Try not to get too worked up about it though - you can definitely deal with this. Keep posting if you have new thoughts/are feeling nervous again! (*hug*)
Well I guess an update on this, and I think things may be getting a little more complicated. Last night I had a videochat with my parents, and my mom made a comment about my hair and I said I think that I would like to shorten the back a little more. She told me that that wasn't a good idea because I would look too much like a little boy. She asked me if people here (in Canada) would think I am gay if I looked boyish. I was taken off guard and I responded with "oh people here don't care about that". She goes on to ask me ... "Your not gay are you? Your not right?" I was complete terrified, I couldn't answer and I just laughed (more nervous laughter than anything) and just kinda shrugged it off. She didnt ask again. When I told my brother, he said to me "I thought you wern't gonna tell our parents. Thats why I told you not to make such a drastic change." I am slightly ashamed to say I went off on him out of just the stress and frustration. He said afterwards that if I wanted to tell them then tell them. He doesn't think its a good idea, but he will support me if I decide to just come out to them. He asked me what I wanted to do. When I said I don't know, he asked me how long it would take for me to decide, becuase I had to decide what to do. My concern is, Taiwan is very different from Canada. I am only there for a month and my parents have to live there. I can't bear the thought of making my parents lives there more difficult by having to hide the fact their daughter is gay. But when I pretend to be someone I'm not again I feel trapped and frustrated. I can't make up my mind and my thoughts just keep going around and around. Sorry if I sound completely crazy right now. Stresssssss. . . :tantrum:
Well, I think I have made a decision. This is parts of a letter I sent to my brother... I guess we'll see how that goes **************** I realize that I have been projecting a lot of my frustration towards people around me lately because sometimes I felt like I was dealt with the short end of the stick. I know that I cannot expect everyone to understand everything, because unless they are in the lgbt community, people just don't get that kind of exposure or information. ... I knew I was gay, but there was always that nagging uncertainty in the back of my mind. So, by coming out and being open about it, I was able appreciate what I felt comfortable with and figure out who I am without being pressured to fit into what was expected to be "normal". It was a steep learning curve and it wasn't always easy. The biggest challenge has been to learn to be comfortable with who I am, and I can't say there isn't still that part of me that is still afraid of what people think. I've been hiding in the closet for almost 2 years before I "burst" out of the closet. I am almost 24 years old and for the first time things are starting making sense. I want to be able to tell mom/dad because I feel like I am ready to move forward into another stage of my life. I want them to know that I am able and confident in who I am regardless of what I identify with. I work hard at my job and I am going to grad school in September. It just so happens that I am a big homo who dresses like a boy and is attracted to girls. Hiding who I am means acknowledging that me being gay is not ok. I don't want to pretend to be someone else just because who I am is not good enough for other people. I am not gonna shout it from the rooftops, but I don't want to go out of my way to hide it any more. Usually when parents ask their kid if they are gay, it is time to tell them. I respect and love them too much to keep lying at this point. I don't know how they are going to react, but I hope even if it is something they don't agree with, they will trust me to be able to make the decisions for how I want to live my life, open and honestly. I would obviously appreciate any input, since this doesn't just involve me and will ultimately affect the whole family. ************************************
I can understand where you're coming from, given that I'm Chinese and my extended family's still in China. There's always that fear that some people may spread nasty rumors and gossip around, which may end up hurting your parents and family. Even so, is the possibility that that will happen more important to you than having to live in an illusion for a whole month and make yourself absolutely miserable? Don't cave in and dress girly just so some stupid neighborhood gossips or people who may have axes to grind won't spread nasty rumors; if you do, you're letting them win. It also goes without saying that the possibility that your parents may not accept your sexuality right away, or at all, is an ever-present fear, especially for those of us coming from cultures in which the parents' word is always the final word. As horrible as this may sound, if the worst-case scenario happens, you won't need your parents--you've got a job, friends, and a brother who has promised to support you if such a thing were to happen. Judging by what you've said so far, though, your parents seem like reasonable people, so this doesn't seem likely to happen. You're right--telling them the truth is showing them that you love and respect them. The longer you keep your sexuality a secret from your parents, the more it's going to hurt all of you (extended family included) when the inevitable happens and you have no choice but to tell them.
My brother actually just called me because he felt it was important for me to "understand" I guess. He said that if I am so intent in telling our parents then fine its ok. But he wanted to emphasize that Taiwan is a different place than Canada. Giving me the "hard knock life" description about how in Taiwan being gay is not acceptable. He doesn't want me to let anyone other than my parents know and that means I will have to just pretend for a month. I have to say, maybe I am not strong enough, because it made me feel extremely guilty for wanting to come out and cause so many problems for my parents.
As good as your brother's intentions may be, I think it's time to stop listening to his advice. Even if he's trying to help, he's encouraging feelings of shame and guilt in you, and that's not going to help you with anything - especially since, from the sound of it, you have so little to feel ashamed about! Discover Taiwan on your own terms. From your letter to him, you mention being open to his input, since this will affect the whole family. I think you should, instead, think about how this is affecting you. You said some really great things in that letter about being happy and successful, and about being ready to move on with your life and not wanting to lie to your parents anymore. To me, all of those sound like great reasons to come out. Your mother is already asking - just be honest, and don't put yourself through another month of having to be closeted. Your future self will thank you. (*hug*)
I guess I really do feel what the "Day of Silence" is all about. I do feel silenced. As much as I want to be open and free, I am having a tough time justifying my actions because it might subject my parents to any negativity. So much thinking, evaluating and planning, and I havn't gotten anywhere. :tears: My fight or flight response I think is heavily biased towards flight. And all I want to do is not go back to that gossipy, judgemental, traditional southern cesspool in Taiwan.
Hey shfh. I want to give you a big e-hug. What you're going through is difficult and hard, but I can tell from what you've written that you're strong and more than capable of overcoming the challenge. I want to comment slightly on your brother. From all that you've written, I can't help shake the feeling that his feelings on the matter has more to do with him than you. Clearly, he loves you and cares about you. This is evident. It's easy to forget, though, that when we start coming out (especially to our families) that it doesn't just impact us. All of the same emotions that we feel, the uncertainty, and the fear especially, can and is frequently experienced by those closest to us as well. Many people have to go through their own period of acceptance. There is a lot of homophobia in the world. Even people who are LGBT supportive - including ourselves - we internalize that. Your brother means well, I think, but I feel that a lot of what he is telling you is coming from his OWN fears and uncertainties. Put yourself in his position. He loves you. He wants whats best for you. He supports your sexuality. Now, suddenly, you're going to come out to your parents. He is afraid (as you are!) that they might not be supportive like him. While he doesn't have to live with the consequences of being gay himself, he has to be worried about what will happen if they reject you (as you surely are!). What does it mean for him? How does he deal with them? Will he be forced to take sides? These are all things that are likely going through his head. Selfishly, perhaps even subconsciously by putting it all on you, he's likely worried about what people he knows back home will say. "What will the neighbors / my friends / the relatives say when they find out that my sister is a lesbian? Will I be forced to take sides? Will they reject me, too, if they reject her?" All of this is normal. In a strange way, the more you come out of the closet, the further he's dragged out with you. Of course, just because this is the case doesn't mean you should put your life on hold to make him comfortable. You may love your brother, but you need to do what is right for you. You have your life to lead and he has his... and if being in the closet back home is not acceptable to you, then don't go back into the closet. The only thing you owe your brother is compassion and understanding. Ask him not to be worried for you, and instead try and find out what his personal fears are as it relates to your coming out. Don't compromise, but be understanding and compassionate, and see if you can find away to help him work through those fears and uncertainties. This is the best advice I can give you. I wish you the best of luck. (*hug*)
There's nothing to feel guilty about, as long as you're being honest. Other people's inability to deal with your sexuality is not your fault. Being gay is acceptable anywhere, it's just not accepted in Taiwan. And that will probably change... eventually. It wasn't too long ago that it wasn't accepted in Canada, either. By being out of the closet, not just to your parents but to anyone who wants to know, you might help some people get over their homophobia. You never know. There might even be someone in your neighbourhood or extended family who's gay and closeted and would feel way, way better about themself knowing that you're gay too. HOWEVER, if it's actually dangerous to be out in Taiwan, then you have to take that into account. Do lesbians get beaten up for being out of the closet? Because I wouldn't tell you to put yourself in danger.
For the last few days I've just been obsessing over this, which probably isn't the greatest idea in the world since it makes me super stressed out. I have really supportive friends, but for most of them I am the only gay friend they know (surprising because I live in Toronto). I can tell they try to understand, but for the most part it's not something I can really talk about with them. @Aldrick: I think you are completely right! Maybe sometimes I expected too much from my brother to understand just because he is supportive of me. Out of all the people I have came out to, he is the one who reacted the worst for it because he said he was worried for what I would have to deal with as a gay person. You articulated the problem/dilemma I have better than I ever could. Thanks for reminding me to take that step back and think about the reason why he might be so afraid (as I am too) and how he hasn't had the opportunity to learn about it and be as comfortable with it as I have. In a really big way, I guess my parents will have to "take sides" as well if I am outed to my relatives and neighbours. I really do want to be compassionate in my coming out process. I guess this can go both ways, it's either I am comfortable enough in my identity to be able to be closeted for a month for good reason without feeling like I am undermining myself, or, I am comfortable enough in my identity to be out and deal with the complications that occur. I only came out to my brother 3 1/2 months ago, and he lives on the other side of the world. I will see him in Taiwan too. Perhaps I should give him more time to learn more about it and to be able talk to me in person and see that I am happy now with who I am. I don't know if this is the right or wrong thing to do, but I feel like I will need to be the stronger person in this and give my parents the time to really process it and allow them to be able to choose when and how they want to "come out" to relatives and neighbours. Is this compromising or being compassionate? @Farouche: I need to keep reminding myself the "Other people's inability to deal with your sexuality is not your fault". It's just so frustrating and hurtful when people you love and trust don't understand something you know is not wrong (... just ranting). Taiwan is generally the most LGBT friendly country in Asia, but this is in comparison to other Asian countries. Also, this is mainly referring to the capital city Taipei. Unfortunately I live in the southern part, which is very traditional. As for the danger, I have no idea. On a lighter note, if I come out to "educate" the people around me, I would probably be perpetuating the classic lesbian = masculine looking stereotype. (sorry femmes) PS ... I can try, but it's probably not possible to completely suppress my emerging dyke-y-ness.
I get what you mean, but the point is to let people know that lesbians are real, live people. It's not like you're deliberately re-enforcing the stereotype, anyway, you simply happen to fit it (or look like you fit it). ...probably a good sign, in itself.
