I mentioned this in my intro thread, but this seems like a better place to go into detail about the issue. As my profile says, I'm out to a few people. There's a part of me that hesitates to come out further because I've never actually been with a woman. I just don't want to have to answer the question, "How do you know if you haven't...?" But I wonder if my lack of outness keeps me from meeting potential partners. But part of me is afraid that I'll get the chance to be with a woman and find out that I hate it and that it was all a huge mistake. And then I'd have to retract my coming out, I guess (it wouldn't be a matter of going back in the closet, as that implies hiding something, which wouldn't be the case here). Out of curiosity, has that sort of thing happened to any of you or anyone you know? If so, what was that experience like? I haven't found much information on this topic (which might be telling in itself). Do you think that if a person thinks they're somewhere on the queer spectrum, they probably are?
Let's just say I'm still sorting out the answer to that question. There are a lot of complicating factors. I can say that sex was never mind-blowing, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Sorry I can't give you a more definitive answer.
If you're not sure where you are, but think you're somewhere on the spectrum, maybe that's a good enough description? It's hard to stand on "uncertainty" as a self-definition, but learning that sexuality (and even identity) can be fluid depending on the situation was useful for me to learn. "On the spectrum" is the closest I've come to a definition, and it leaves room to move if I find out I'm wrong about one thing or another. Take this with a grain of salt, since I struggle a lot with it myself, but I hope it helps.
You don't need to have sex with someone to know that you want to, or that you have feelings for that person. And it's the desire and other feelings that determine your sexual orientation. Sex can be bad even with the gender you like--that's true regardless of what your orientation is. So, just like it isn't definitive that the sex with your ex-husband was bad, it wouldn't be definitive if the sex with a woman was bad either--or even if it was good! Some people can enjoy sex even with people they aren't particularly attracted to, especially in certain circumstances. Rather, sexual orientation is determined by whom it is that you persistently WANT to be with. Who fills your thoughts, and makes your heart beat faster? (<-----If you think that's hyperbole, or metaphor, then it's never happened to you. When you really feel that way about someone, you really do think about that person constantly, and your heart rate actually does increase in their presence. It's not just something people say.) Having sex with one woman will not give you definite answers anyway. Or even a hundred women--sexual orientation isn't about what you've done, it's about what you want to do. The only thing that will give you answers is self-reflection--whom do you develop crushes on, or otherwise have feelings for? And that won't change by having sex. You've fallen prey to a common misconception: being gay is not just about sex. I don't think it's even MOSTLY about sex. Is straight romance mostly about sex? Or is it something much bigger that sex is only one small aspect of? If you are a lesbian, it's possible that you've had romantic feelings for a woman before without realizing what they were. For women especially, it's often not overtly sexual, so you shouldn't expect that it would be. It might be more like just thinking someone is incredibly wonderful, and you just want to be around her all the time. It might seem like just a really intense desire to be friends with her. Having a relationship with a woman might help you--but only if it's a woman you are attracted to. And if it's a woman you are attracted to, well, you kind of have your answer already. (Do not confuse the idea of "an attractive woman" with that of "a woman you are attracted to. It's quite possible to be attracted to women who are not at all like what you've been conditioned to think of as "attractive." It's a completely different thing.)
So true. My inner scientist (I'm a grad student in a scientific field) DOES. NOT. LIKE. UNCERTAINTY. It's really frustrating not to have the means to test my hypothesis. :icon_wink I think you're onto something with the idea of who makes my heart beat faster. There's no one who does that for me at the moment, but I can think of times in the past where that's happened. While I'm fully aware that I don't have to prove that I like women, per se, I think it'll be a lot easier to explain to others if/when the time comes if I have some experience under my belt. Again, my scientific training comes in here (not claiming that this is necessarily a good thing): I want to consider all the ways I might possibly be wrong and hold off on presenting my hypothesis in public until it's damn near bulletproof. Thanks to all of you for your advice! You've given me a lot to think about.
Hey CrystalDecanter, I totally understand what you mean. I've been going back and forth about my sexuality for several years now and finally determined that it would be impossible to really know myself until I got out there and interacted with gay guys. After all, sexual orientation does not exist in a vacuum. By definition it involves how you feel toward other people. It hasn't helped that my sex drive seems relatively low compared to others. But I've definitely had crushes, and though I've had them on both girls and guys, guys are the only ones that have both physical and emotional components to the feelings. How would you describe your attractions to men and women, both physically and emotionally? (Science-minded individual here as well, haha)
Hey I totally understand you dilema, I would say a couple of things, firstly you can come out as 'not straight', or 'questioning' if that helps you with the not wanting to go all out and say you are gay before you have had any experience. I would also say you are out to some friends, so whilst it is unlikely that you are going to meet lots of potential girlfriends walking down the street it is not like you are completely in the closet so you could be more proactive in searching for girls. Are there any LGBT groups in your area you could join? Would the friends you are out to go to a gay bar with you? Would you try online dating?
I am trying to get more involved in the LGBT community in general. There's a lesbian book club that I'm going to check out, and I'm looking for other possibilities (I've heard women's sports teams are good for this sort of thing). The big lesbian bar in Dallas isn't something I've had good luck with. This may be in part because I don't have any friends to go with me, but the last time I was there, I can't say I saw anyone who piqued my interest anyway. There's a smaller gay bar where I actually live (about 45 minutes from Dallas) that I check out occasionally, but they allow smoking inside, so I have to limit my time there. There's a LGBT group at my school and a chapter of PFLAG here, but they're very youth-focused. I support their mission, but I'm too old to care about a prom redo. As far as online dating, I'm trying it right now. I have a profile up on #######, but it hasn't gotten a lot of response. Not sure what I'm doing wrong there. If I'm honest with myself, I'm a tad socially awkward, and that might come through in my profile.
Ianthe, Thanks for saying that....this is one of the things that I have battled with in coming out. It is what most of the straight community thinks which contributes to why it is so hard for us to come out to even ourselves let alone everyone else. It isn't about the sex....it's about who you are attracted to, who you want to go to the movies with, who you want to spend your life with. I remember the first time I had sex with a guy. It was OK, not that great, I remember he kissed me and I really didn't like it. It just didn't happen to be a very good experience but it didn't stop me from liking guys or wanting to be with them. Hope you can figure all this out. Good luck.
I completely understand your frustration, because I've been thinking along the same lines since I came out to myself. I've also had many doubts about whether I can really call myself "gay" without having been in any relationships, and thought that the matter would be settled once I do get relationships with one of each and see how they turn out. In fact, I posted a thread in which I expressed the same frustrations as you have with labels and uncertainties. The response I got is much the same as the response you're getting: don't try to label yourself, and don't question your own feelings. Instead, work with what you know and build on it. You know better than most that it takes more than one experiment to prove a hypothesis, so take your time. Nothing is for certain, unfortunately, but being 95% sure, as statistics has taught us, is pretty damn good.
I found that the uncertainty was very frustrating as well. I couldn't be sure (or so I thought) that I was a lesbian until I'd been with a woman and I didn't think I'd ever get to be with one unless I was out. I finally started talking to a friend about this uncertainty and so sort of came out as "unsure" which helped. Eventually another friend came out to me and we were able to talk about a lot of this stuff. One thing lead to another and we wound up in a relationship. It wasn't until then that I felt really sure but looking back, I realize, the signs were all there already and I really should have known but I was so afraid that I kept trying to find other interpretations for them. I would bet meeting some people in an LGBT group and being able to talk about these things will prove very helpful!
