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How can I help him?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lewnatic, Apr 9, 2012.

  1. Lewnatic

    Regular Member

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    I apologise for the length of this, but I think I should be as detailed as possible.

    The problems I bring to these very helpful boards are usually about myself, however I now have one that ties with someone else. Another boy who, like myself, I believe to be gay...but very far in denial about it.
    I originally met him at college through mutual friends, and added him on Facebook. We didn't speak, I would probably question who he was if he popped up on my newsfeed, but these days Facebook is...well, Facebook. I noticed him pop up from time to time in new pictures, and thought he was quite attractive, so if it was one that really appealed to me, I would simply "like" it. He had left college at this point, as he was in the year above me (this is a UK college, so no one lived there. We all travelled to and from it like high school).

    I should state at this point I already thought he was gay. He has all of the appropriate mannerisms, solely hangs around with females, I knew from his background told by other people that everyone in highschool thought he was gay etc. etc. etc., but his excuse was always "well, I have a girlfriend." Which he did, he had a lot. But then again so did I. Anyway, one day he popped up on Facebook chat asking who the hell I was and why I liked his picture and a couple of statuses. I just told him that statuses are public and if one makes me laugh, I'm probably going to like it. I also said, since there was really no point in me lying, that I "liked" his picture because I thought he was hot. I said it quite politely. He told me "well I'm not gay! Sorry!!" (quite angrily) and was frankly being quite rude to me, so I said "been there, said that" and he errupted into this "I have a girlfriend" lalalala and told me I had no place judging him. Which is true, I don't, so I left it there. He didn't delete me from his friends, however.
    5 months later, I had not spoke to him since, but he messaged me apologising and saying he "must have been having a bad day." I told him it was fine and he should forget about it, but he continuted to encourage conversation between us and dropped hints for my number:
    "Omg !! I need someone to text ! I've text all my friends and not one has text me back !!"
    I just said he could text me if he was that bored, so he did. We had a little general conversation, and then he came out with "So... when I said I wasn't gay a while ago, I wasn't exactly being truthful." Of course, I knew this was coming. Like I said, when you know someone's gay...you know someone's gay. We had flirty texts to and from each other for about two weeks, but then he just...stopped. I contacted him after a couple of weeks asking what was going on as I got the impression he was interested in me. I eventually worked out it was because he's definitely in that "experimental" stage of denial where he's thinking with his penis. Horny = text me. Not horny = I don't exist.
    I couldn't help myself, because I was really interested in him, so we had some dirty, flirtacious texting (which I'm not ashamed of, I'm sure people here have done far more drastic things) and due to some of the stuff he was saying, you know this was the sort of thing he didn't get to do often. He told me I was the only person in the entire world who knew he "liked the look of boys" (his words), so I think of it as something has been boiling inside him, but he's so indenial about it for whatever reason...he won't act upon it.

    I should have known this phase would be short-lived, as when the horniess ends he didn't really want to know anymore. But I do sympathize with this - I know what it's like to be in this stage. Feeling guilty after your sexual desire passes. After we stopped talking for a couple of weeks, he managed to get himself yet ANOTHER girlfriend. I really want to meet these girls, as he is so obviously gay I can't fathom how they don't see it. Girls tend to be quite in-tune with homosexual men due to the similarities between them. I did pull him up on it, and he got quite defensive, saying he likes girls but just "likes the look of boys...". Fair enough, he could be bisexual, but I think it's fairly easy to tell when someones bisexual, and he always comes across to me as in denial about being gay. His family are Catholic, as is he, but I don't really know what their views on sexuality are.
    6 months later, we still talk a lot, he's currently single, though he's across the country for a few months before coming back home near me, and I know he's still the same guy I text from the start: someone very insecure of their true sexuality, to the extent he may not even know what it is. I'd love to know what's going on inside his head, but I don't know how to get in there...how to ask him questions, how to ask him what he feels like. I know he must have made some progress, as he said "if you wanted to, you could tell your friends about me when you talk about your love life because they don't know me."

    My question is...how do I help him? I know if he could become comfortable, he would be an amazing guy. I know it's not my job to work him out, and it's his journey in the end, but I want to help. A year has passed and I think about him so much. I don't think I truly know him enough to be in love, but at some point...I'll get there. I just want him to stop thinking with his dick, because there are these small periods where he's very resolute. Telling me "you're a great guy you know, I'm sorry I take you for granted because you're always here and I don't realise."
     
  2. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    In any situation, its almost impossible to really help someone come out if they don't want any help to begin with. You can tell them that they are in denial, that things will get better, and every other thing that you know, but at the end, if they aren't ready to come out, then it won't happen. Not to mention the pressure to come out usually drives people even more into the closet.

    Honestly, the only thing that you can do to help is to be there for him when he needs someone to talk to or if he has any questions. After that, its all on him and when he feels like he is ready to come out.

    As for you, do you really want to wait years until someone becomes comfortable with themselves and see if they even like you like that? Wouldn't it be much better to find someone who like you back and is already ready for a relationship with you? As hard as it can be, sometimes its best to move on.
     
  3. Lewnatic

    Regular Member

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    I was afraid of this response, but I know it's true.
    It's very hard to move on when you don't want to... He's not back home for another 6 months so forgetting about him should be pretty easy. I don't go on Facebook much, and if he wants to text me he can but I won't text him.

    Thank you for the response. I do still care for him and will always be there, but I won't beg or let it consume me.