I gave my dad the coming out letter I wrote a few weeks ago. I left it by his computer last night, cause I knew he'd find it before anyone else. I had school and then work all day today, so I didn't hear anything from him or interact with him. When I got home around 9 pm, my mom said he was upstairs. I went downstairs to his computer desk to see if the letter was there, and it wasn't, so I know for a fact he found it and read it (and probably put it somewhere where nobody else can read it). I was too nervous to confront him about it, and it was kinda late, so I just let him alone. The phone rang for him at around 11 pm, so I had to go give him it. He was in his room with my mom cuddled against him, and he was awake. It was really weird. My parents are never liked that. He looked distressed. I didn't wanna be in there longer than necessary so I just gave him the phone and went back down. A few minutes later my mom comes down to put the phone away, looking rather exhausted. I asked what was up with dad, and she said "I don't know. He doesn't feel good for some reason, he doesn't know why." I think I know why. I think he's been in there thinking about the fact that I'm gay, and I think its really hurting him. I don't think he's mad at me, per se, my dad loves me more than anything and he knows my letter was sincere, since I never open up and that was a huge unloading of my feelings. My concern is that I think he feels bad because he's scared for me. He thinks life is gonna be really hard for me like this, and I don't think he can deal with it. I've read about how parents react, and right now I think he's at that stage where all his dreams for me have been crushed and he feels hopeless. I know I should talk to him, but its past midnight now, he's in bed with my mom, and I feel maybe I just need to give him a little time to think about things. I mean, he's had all day, but I'd rather wait till he feels comfortable to come talk to me. Is that the right approach? I feel really bad that he feels this way. I mean this is all projection, I haven't really said a word to him since placing the letter, but its the only explanation that makes sense to me. He never gets sick for no reason, it must be that this is eating away at him inside. What should I do? Go to him? Give him space? Is there reading materials that could help him? Anything? Will it just talk its own time or can I ease the process? I would never take back what i said (it took so much to finally put that letter down, I felt nervous about it all day) but I don't want to see him hurting.
I would definitely say to give him some time. Let him think about it and get used to the idea, that way when you do talk about it he won't just be feeding off emotions and shock and will actually be able to think about it. If he doesn't say anything, just mention the letter to him when you're around. Don't go to out of the way to talk to him, but don't avoid it completely.
It would be such a bad idea to ask him about it I would personally wait until he comes to you. You don't want to push the issue so I think you should give him sometime and in my case it took my dad a year or two to actually bring it up and he was actually okay with it. That seems like a long time but my family is so busy that it probably just took awhile for him to find a time to bring it up. I spent like two years worrying about how he was feelings. I am not good at bringing up stuff like this but please don't let it drag on a long time without talking about that.
He's an adult and honestly he just needs to get over it. I would probably wait for him to approach you and give him time to internalize it. And be ready for some tears (and personally I think it helps parents get over it if you don't come down to their emotional level in those situations, ie. don't cry and be confident in yourself.)
My guess is it probably totally shocked him, and he's processing it... and at the same time, he knows he should be supportive to you, and feels very conflicted, distressed, and upset. All of which would be normal under the circumstances. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, and how he is feeling is not your fault. It's just a shock and an adjustment for him, and he's dealing with the "loss" of his perception that you're straight. But in time, he'll understand that you can and will be just as happy and have just as fulfilled a life as you would if you were straight. But right now, that part of it isn't in his consciousness. Give him time. I know it's hard, but the fact that he hasn't lashed out or said anything difficult or inappropriate, and is feeling what he's feeling is, in my opinion, a sign that he really, deeply cares about and loves you... and wants to make sure he thinks about it and responds in the right way.
Definitely wait for him and don't avoid him like the plague. I would wait a week at most before asking him if he could chat. I'm sure he has ALOT he wants to say, just trying to figure how to say it. I'm rootin' for ya!
Give him time to process this news. After a few days though feel free to bring it up - ask him if he got your letter and what he thought of it. He might feel awkward and not know what to say - so you'll have to bring it up yourself. Have you asked him to keep it a secret from your mom? If so, why? He'd feel better being able to talk to someone about this - just like you have us to talk to.
Hey, congratulations! I say give him some time like most of the above said. It's normal for parents to have reactions like this, maybe give him a week or so to finally accept it.
You should wait for him to come talk to you once he's comfortable, since you've already made the first move by writing the letter. Give him time, and try not to put any pressure on him by bringing up the topic when an opportunity arises. Don't bring up the subject unless he does so first, and talk about it whilst calm and cheerful. In the meantime, do as you would normally do around him, and don't make it seem like anything has changed at all on your side (because, honestly, nothing really has except for the fact that you've told him).
Kaa93,welcome to EC! Congratulations on having the guts to come out; that's awesome! It's nice of you to be so concerned, but dude, you live in MA, the first state to have marriage equality so it shouldn't be so hard being gay there, at least I hope. Your dad is a grown adult and should be able to read a sincere letter from his son, about something which you have no control over, and not be a fragile little flower about it. Obviously I don't know your dad and maybe he is really emotional. If that's the case, it's good of you to be concerned for him, although maybe your mom could have handled it better if he really is that fragile. If he's generally a stable guy, don't worry, he'll get over it and come talk to you pretty soon. You are one courageous guy for coming out to your dad so when he wants to talk about it, conjur up that confidence and have a good talk. Best wishes PS: I'm not ripping on your dad, just trying to throw a little humor to maybe lighten your spirits :icon_wink
You've told him what you need to tell him. The only thing now is that you might just tell him "If you want to talk about anything, let me know". That's it. Other than that, he might just need to finish processing. You've had (probably) a few years to come to grips with your sexuality. He's now had about 36 hours. Give him some time. Lex
I'd say give him some time. There are pamphlets you can print off the internet. I don't think I can post the link to it. But I've seen them. That might help... but definitely leave him be until he can process it. He's been thinking about you one way for 18 years. Now he know's its a different way. It'll take some time.
