i just want it all to end

I've gone through the same things, y'know. I guess there's no denying how much life can absolutely blow. But, at the same time, you don't want to miss out on it? New beginnings can be exciting, God knows I'd love a second chance. Start over, make new friends, broaden your horizons. One crappy experience doesn't have to define life for you? Think of it like a party! Don't you want to be invited, not kicked out? Live your life and know that while it can be hard, it's still worth living. Don't forget it.

 

Whatever you are going through, suicide is not the way to go.

"Suicide is a permanent fix, for a temporary problem."

Though the problem may seem to stretch out forever, never ending and always getting worse, it will end. I promise.
I have never contemplated suicide, but I have cut and been really depressed before.
Always remember: you have people who care about you and love you.

If you ever need to rant, need advice, or just want to talk, I'm here.

We care, and we want to help you.

<3

 

Well considering the nature of the Internet, don't be surprised that sometimes it seems like you are being ignored.

I am part of a very specific cartoon/action figure board. It used to boggle my mind that if I posted a piece of artwork to share (and I'm a great artist) I would get 5 comments/30 views, but someone else would post a message about how angry they are that their action figure came with a bend in the package, and they would get 38 comments/287 views, or they would complain about something and get 386 comments/3503 views. I stopped caring. Why should I worry about connecting with faceless people on the Internet that only care to obsess and complain over pieces of plastic?

Mind you, I have connected with a few nice guys, who share my interests and chat openly with me about a variety of topics, but you can't waste your time trying to figure out people on the Internet, and feeling ignored by them.

As for your 'so-called' friends that you are trying to reach out to, and constantly being deflected, or ignored. We all go through that. Sometimes people get busy, financially broke, or bored. Sometimes they are just total flakes, and only care about something if it benefits them. Its easy to get frustrated, and start painting good friends with the same brush as crappy unreliable friends. Just don't jump to conclusions about some people who are actually good to you. As for the rest of them, get better friends. I have.

 

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling ignored on the site - feel free to friend me and I can talk whenever you want, through PMs or whatever.

I'm going to also say that I very much hope you don't harm yourself in any way. However ignored you may feel, I for one do care that someone - namely, you - is going through this, and I want to see things get better for you, not worse. In fact, on its most basic level, if you're thinking of suicide as a way to end the feelings you're having, and escape from the situation, I believe that you want things to get better too. If you're in a real crisis moment, please call something like the Trevor hotline (1-866-488-7386) and talk to someone for immediate help.

Something I notice in your post - you talk about feeling shut out by people, and thus feeling worthless, but you also talk about how you don't want to discuss these feelings with people because "they don't deserve this" and you don't want to "spread your debbie downer attitude." Now, the natural response to this would be, if you don't want to be ignored, then you need to open up to people, but I'm not bringing this up to somehow prove that it's all your fault and you need to do X or Y to fix the situation. In fact, these two responses - feeling ignored but not wanting to talk to people - happen together a lot, and both probably stem from a similar, if not the same, cause. The end result in any case is that it's a very self-destructive loop. I actually think that some counselling might be really helpful for you - maybe from the school counselor, maybe from someone else, but if you don't want to talk to one person in particular, you can choose to talk to someone else. And rest assured, they really will give a fuck - the amount of schooling and student debt and training that people go through to enter that profession is tremendous, and nobody makes it through all that just for the money, they make it through because they genuinely want to help. If it makes any difference, I had a lot of the same reactions to the idea of counselling that you're having, but after I finally went a couple years ago, my only regret was that I hadn't done it sooner.

I hope you manage to talk to somebody, whether here on EC, a friend, a family member, or a counselor. Like I said, feel free to get in touch with me and I'll respond as soon as I can. I know it's not easy to talk to people about it, but if you really want to improve your situation - and I think you do - there are people out there who will help you. (*hug*)

 

Hey, I totally know where you're comng from. I've been there a couple of times and even tried out a noose made with a belt (don't try that). But the important thing is I'm still here, and even though I have bad days I have good ones too. I know what it feels like to be ignored by people both online and in real life, and I know it sucks. As for the online part I still haven't figured that one out, but in real life it takes a while to find good friends. I'm in highschool as a junior and it's taken me until this year to hang out with people and actually have people to open up to. I've gone through so many shitty friends it's not funny, but there are friends out there who are worth it, and when you find them it will have been totally worth the wait. As for not wanting to bring people down, that's practically what this forum is made for (this section at least): talking about problems. And it's a website, so you aren't forcing anyone to listen. My point is you never have to worry about burdening us with problems, that's why we (or at least I) come to this site 95% of the time. Please don't kill yourself, it's not worth it. And you might as well talk to the councilor, even if he is bad it can't hurt and it might help.

 

you are only 17 - no matter what mistakes you've made, there is PLENTY of time to turn those around. I have friends at 25 who are going back to finish their high school credits so they can go on to college after. I have friends who went back for their education in their 40s. I have a cousin who abused drugs and alcohol and was basically shut out by all of the family until he finally went into rehab a few years ago, after decades of drug abuse he found the right help and the right reasons to begin healing and he is doing very well now with the support of our grandparents.

my grandmother was in an abusive relationship for over 40 years, left behind her home country on the promise that her abusive husband would one day bring her back to the UK, and after 40 years of being abused and still not having been brought home the UK, after all her children had grown and her youngest daughter had called her a coward, after she was all alone with nothing but a man who beat her up every time he got drunk, an alcohol problem herself, and kids who seemed to hate her - she left him, went into AA, quit smoking, and after TEN more years by herself, a 60 year old woman whose life appeared to be irretrievably screwed up in every way possible moved back to the UK by herself, met a man in AA and fell in love, got married to a man who finally loved her the way she deserved to be loved. She was 70 before she got her happy ending, but she still got it.

my point is, it may seem hopeless now. it may seem hopeless for a while. but it's not hopeless. as long as you still draw breath, there is hope. even if you can't see it.

YOU, my friend, are worth the fight. YOU deserve to be loved, most especially by yourself.

I hope that you will talk to someone who is there with you, who has the power to get you the help it sounds like you need. remember that there is no shame in needing help. if you knew that one of your friends, or someone that you love, was feeling as bad as you are right now, would you want them to ask for help or would you rather they keep it to themselves and suffer alone?

I also want to ask you to try something - I want you to look at your reflection, every day, and look yourself in the eyes. and even if you don't believe it, I want you to say, out loud, to yourself, the following statement: "You are a good person, you are worthy of love. I love you."

I know it sounds crazy. but it sounds like there is a part of you telling yourself all the wrong messages. would you ever say to a friend the things that you say to yourself, in your own head? it's time to start talking to yourself in the way that you talk to a very dear friend. right now, you might not believe it as you are speaking, but eventually... eventually, it might start to sink in and start to impact the way you feel about yourself.

feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. *hugs* I know what it's like to feel hopeless and to feel like the only way out is death. but even when you feel hopeless, there is hope.

 

I am in my first year at college, and I won't lie, it isn't how I expected. Yeah, I struggled for a long time, making friends was not easy for me. But as you said, you are starting over again, which can be a good thing. It sounds like your friends are really friends and don't care if they are blowing you off like that. College can be an opportunity to make friends that will care. Most people say your friends from high school will be the ones you remember, but they aren't. Most of your friends that you stay in contact with will be from college. This would be an opporunity for you to start over, even if you don't want to again. No one will no you, you can be whoever you want, and you can make real friends.

If you hear the school counselor isn't good, then go somewhere else. Or at least give him a try, but be honest and open. He can't help you unless you let him. He can't help you unless you talk and are open. I talk to a counselor at my school and I look forward to it every week. It feels good to voice what you are going through.

And the counselor definitely isn't 'being paid to give a fuck'. Counselors do not make good money, they wouldn't waste their time to listen to people's problems if they didn't actually care. They wouldn't sit there listening to people when they could be doing something else. Believe me-they do care, they want to help you.

 

I understand the feeling, and I can sympathize with it. I had the feeling when I was finishing high school, and I've had it a couple times since then. However, as other people have been saying, you DO still have time to change your life - in fact, you have lots of time. Starting over in college may not be so bad - it's a chance to reinvent yourself with an entirely new audience, and it's a lot easier to have fun outside the house than it was in high school.

Try not to borrow trouble though. As bad as things might be, and I fully believe you that things are not good right now, it doesn't mean that things have to be awful forever. And try not to put yourself down - you are not a "loser faggot," you're a person dealing with a high amount of stress right now, possibly from even more sources than you've described here. It's okay to be very down, or even depressed - that seems normal given the circumstances. The key is to not force yourself to believe that things will always be horrible - if you let yourself think that way, it's very possible for you to make that come true.

I really do think a little bit of counselling could be helpful for you. It doesn't mean you're a loser or that you have to wear a straightjacket - it doesn't even mean you have to pour your heart out to someone for months or years on end. Even one or two meetings with someone might be really helpful.

Continued good wishes for you. (*hug*) Keep posting as often as you want!

 

I'm so sorry dude. It must feel awful. I would urge you to push through it, suicide never fixes anything in the long term. I suggest that you see the counselor at least a couple of times, you know, it may help. I hope things get better, I wish you the best! (*hug*)