Alright. I'm nineteen, almost twenty, and have only been questioning my gender since the December before last. To be honest, though, I was fifteen before I figured out that I could be attracted to girls, that I wasn't completely straight. As a kid, I played mostly outside- building forts, climbing trees, going on adventures. I did love books. I never played with dolls, wasn't interested in them until puberty- and then only the very realistic-feeling baby ones. I had collections of Beanie Babies, Playmobil, and Lego, but I never enjoyed the kinds of role-playing games that my sisters did- while they created elaborate stories for the Barbies, I was reading, or having stick-sword-fights outside. In my late teens, I did go through a period of make-up, high-heel, and push-up-bra wearing, which ended sometime last summer. I've been dressing mostly in guys' clothing for the last seven-eight months, and occasionally binding/packing, both of which feel very natural-I almost seem to manufacture sensation when packing. I don't like using the woman's washroom, or accepting male gallantry in things like door-opening, but I can't even imagine asking people to use male pronouns. I guess most of my confusion comes down to this- I'm very feminine, in the way that the word would be used to describe a boy. I like my partner to be older and taller than me, and be more masculine/dominant, regardless of sex/gender. I like to be taken care of, to be gathered up in their arms instead of the other way around. I'm also slightly masochistic, I don't know if that might add to the effect... I'm also terrified of never finding the *right* partner, and am aware that if I'm classically female, I can draw in the sort of people that I'm attracted to fairly easily. Thank you for reading down to this point. It's like I have this tight knot in my chest, and I don't know what to do about it.
Hey Bree, It sound like you just try to figure out who you are. Its okay and normal. I went through two year period where I was trying to figure it out. I ask for people to call zee pronouns. It was very confusing time for me, but in the end I found which gender I feel comfortable in. My advise is do what make you feel like your self and dont worry about picking a label. I would recommend find a support group, It really does help talk with other people that are in the same place.
To be honest, it sounds like you're pretty clear to yourself about what you want your own life to be like and what you want your partner to be like. The only thing I would really add is that you shouldn't feel compelled to "act" a certain way in order to attract the kind of person you like - the right person will be that person, but will be attracted to you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. The urge for a label is a powerful one, but don't let it control you, and don't worry if you don't fit a common one right away. As far as my impression, based solely on your post, I wouldn't say FTM (you seem uncomfortable with adopting a fully masculine identity - the pronoun thing), and I was actually thinking bisexual - but maybe genderqueer works better. It really comes down to how you feel about yourself. So be yourself, and pick a label that will describe you, not control you.
I meant more terrifying than unwelcome. It's fine if people choose to, but to ask it of my family?:eek:
Ahh, I see - my bad. Well, at the very least I think it's a good idea to explore different labels and ideas, to see if anything fits how you feel about yourself. The worst that can happen is you say "this isn't me," and you check a possible label off the list. For that matter, some labels can be very broad and might be easier to find a niche in than others.
If it helps, you seem to be in a similar position to me If it's what fits, there's nothing wrong with being effeminate and ftm; if a bioguy can be, so can we!
Other than the fact that I have done girls stuff too when real little, I can really relate to this.. quite a bit actually. I've been confused for a while now. Just a bunch of things such as the door opening thing you mentioned - for some reason it really bothers me lol. And I'm comfortable with being seen as male. I didn't realise how much until I was in a male avatar online and all my friends thought I was one in rl and so treated me as such all the time. And like, I don't wanna be confused with a "butch lesbian" or something because it's just not who I am (I'm bi). I'm not the dominant macho type or anything.. I guess you could say that (for a girl) i'm too boyish but as a guy I would be seen as more feminine. I'm not sure that would bother me though. There are of course all kinds of FTM's. It's just the telling ppl would be hard so yea, figuring things out beforehand is important but not easy without help. I've been wanting to try gender therapy but can't afford it. That might help you..
