Confused

Hi, welcome to Empty Closets!

Because we don't often see models of gay relationships, it can be difficult for us to imagine ourselves in one--especially if we are still in denial about our sexuality.

Do you know very many gay people personally?

If not, maybe it would be a good idea to see if you could meet some, by joining a support group or getting involved in an activity of some kind with gay people. (I do NOT mean hooking up with random guys from the internet. You might have fun, but it will not solve anything. I mean something where you will have a chance to get to know people over time.)

You might find that it's easier to imagine yourself in a relationship with a man if the man in question is gay, and a relationship might actually be possible. And getting to know some gay people will help you with self-acceptance generally.

 

I felt this exact same way. During my last relationship with a girl I started unintentionally imagining she was a guy. The relationship ended for other reasons, but it really set me thinking. I was physically attracted to guys, but not emotionally, right? Nope. A couple of months after I accepted that I might be gay and liked guys I got hit with like the biggest crush since I was like 6 maybe? I was crazy about him. My point is I think it take a little while to get used to the idea an then emotional attractions start. At least that's how it went for me.

 

I totally know what you mean. For a while I identified as "physically attracted to guys but emotionally attracted to girls." Since then I've definitely had feelings for guys that were emotional in nature, so I no longer think that's true. One thing that has helped me has been reading stories of gay relationships that involved real emotional intimacy.

 

I have had similar feelings... Just a couple minute differences: I've kinda always been indifferent to the female body. I wasn't repulsed but not exactly attracted either and I feel like I can have an emotional connection to males and females. But the feelings of confusion; wondering if you're really gay or not; sexual feeling-confusion; the not matching of sexual, romantic, and emotional attraction, etc are feelings that a lot of people -myself included- experience and are experiencing.

Basically no, you're not alone.

 

I think I'm in a similar situation with my gender- I don't know if I'm struggling because I am more boyish/male, or because I read so many stories and am so fascinated with gay sex, always imagining myself in the "bottom" role. That's why we're here, right?

 

You will move beyond this stage, sooner than you think. I know exactly what is happening, I went through it and back then it was a very bad time to be gay. So all you have to do is hang in there a bit longer.

 

One place was actually right here on this forum, in the thread titled "My story." Other places have been blogs and other forums. Feel free to PM me.

 

I felt exactly the same way about relationships until i accepted myself. EC REALLY helps..Trust me

 

Consider the Kinsey scale, or other ways of considering sexuality as a continuum.

A Kinsey 5 is "Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual." More or less, that means that the person mostly is attracted to the same sex, and while they might be occasionally attracted to, or aroused by, someone of the opposite sex, it would not be sufficient to sustain a satisfying monogamous relationship.

In practice, I think most Kinsey 5's identify as gay, at least if they are out. (Pretty much all Kinsey 1's identify as straight, too.) It just doesn't make a lot of sense to identify as bisexual if your attraction to one sex or the other is not sufficient to justify a relationship. So, basically, I think that most guys who's sexuality is similar to yours would identify as gay, despite very occasionally being aroused by a woman--at least, once they have come to accept themselves.

I understand, though, that it can kind of get in the way of your progress in that area. You keep clinging to the hope that, if you can be this little bit aroused by a woman, that there will be more. But you really can't depend on that: it's just not very likely.

 

Alwayshope - similar situation here. I left a long term relationship because I was not feeling authentic and felt like something was missing. I've also spent a lot of time trying to "find an answer" and label myself. For me, at this point, that's not a possibility. What was most helpful is stepping back, not worrying about "what i am", and not worrying as much about the what ifs. I suffer from a lot of anxiety- not H-OCD, which many people think is a bunk diagnosis. It's very tough to discern your feelings when you get stuck worrying about all of the possible scenarios. Maybe just take some time and allow the answers to find you? Keep an open mind, explore, but make it more of a feeling/heart thing than a head thing? Of course, easier said than done.