My story to where I am today.

Okay, I've been reading through posts, thinking, praying, living, breathing, trying to figure out this whole thing. I've never managed to successfully put my thoughts in order and my mind at ease. So I'm gonna spill my entire story, maybe just writing it out will help.

The first time I ever heard the term "gay" I was in elementary school, third grade. On the playground there were these two posts in the ground, and somehow they had become known as "the gay bars" and that walking through these bars would make you gay. I realize now how ridiculous that sounds. When I was in elementary school, I don't recall any kind of feelings towards boys or girls in particular. My friends were all boys, and I just didn't know or care at the time. I do know I always thought it was stupid that the kids called them "gay bars" and no one would walk through them. Whenever classes would walk by them, they would walk deliberately around them. One day, I got fed up with it, and starting walking through them, just to prove that nothing would happened. I didn't even know was gay was. I didn't draw a line between attraction towards sexes. I did then, and always have, thought that everything was beautiful and deserving of love and friendship. There were no real repercussions from my standing up and walking through the bars. I was bigger than most kids in my class, and I had this standoffish attitude that I threw up as a wall, I suppose, to safeguard me from my insecurities about being bigger. I now think no one messed with me because they were afraid of me.

As time went on, I realized that I needed to like girls, still not feeling anything for any particular sex. Other boys had girlfriends. I didn't. The closest I have ever been with another girl was the time one girl tried to break my finger in fifth grade. There was this girl who I was friends with, and through some course of events I don't entirely recall, we became girlfriend and boyfriend. This was in sixth grade. I know I liked her, and I thought that she was cute, but that was the limits of my attraction. We broke up because I had become friends with another girl, she was jealous, etc.

(I hope the following is okay to put on here, if it's not, I will edit it until it is, but it's vital to the story)

My first experience with another boy, first time I had ever been consciously aware of another person naked, and the similarities, difference between our bodies was when I was 11. This boy was 13, at the time I think. We became friends prior to this incident, or awakening, or whatever you want to call it. This was my sexual awakening, I suppose. Without going into too much detail, this older boy introduced me to my body. He told me if I rubbed myself, it felt good. He wasn't wrong. We would do this everytime he came over. I really noticed him, and liked him, and got excited when he was coming over. Eventually my awareness turned into attraction, but he told me I couldn't tell anyone what we did. Now let me say that we never had penetrative sex, but by the time I was
14, we had progressed from masturbating at the same time, to exploring each other bodies with our hands, and then at some point, we started oral sex. I enjoyed giving and receiving, but I knew it must be bad since I couldn't tell anyone. I felt bad for keeping a secret, and eventually for feeling so happy and attracted to him. We began looking at porn on the internet, straight and gay. At one point, he asked if I wanted to go further, and we started to, but it was painful, so we didn't.

In Junior High, I transferred to a private, Christian school. My two closest friends were both women, both claiming to be bisexual. This was my first meeting of someone who was out in any way as experiencing same-sex attraction. She had a girlfriend. And a boyfriend. I still never told her my feelings. Haven't to this day.

After a while, my friend would come over, but he wouldn't want to do anything. I began looking exclusively at porn of men with men or naked men. Never women. The following incident effectively ended our relationship, and in the times since I've seen him, we've never talked about it, or acknowledged it, despite me sometimes being on the verge of tears wanting to know what. When I was 15, he came over, and we shared a futon. In the middle of the night, I was "aware" of him behind me. His warmth. I wanted him. I slowly turned over, and tried to unzip his pants. He woke up, asked me "you need help". My heart skipped a beat, and I swear I thought I was going to die. I felt so ashamed. I told him I wanted to see him, to feel him. He got this twisted, and disgusted look on his face and said "don't tell me you've turned gay". That's when the impact of the past 4 years slammed into me like a ton of bricks. I said no, and then I begged him not to tell anyone. He said he wouldn't, as long as I never tried again. I was heartbroken, crushed, destroyed. He was the only person I thought understood, and here he was killing me. I cried myself to sleep that night, and many nights after. I had no one to talk to, to experience things with. Looking at porn became an obsession as I turned 16. Sometime between the ages of 14 and 16 I became aware that gay was a man who was attracted to another man. At this time, I was so not interested in women sexually. At all. I was gay. Except I fought it. I fought it so so hard. I'm not gay. I can't be gay. My parent's, they will hate me. Enter the first of many, many suicidal thoughts to enter my brain. I bottled up. Shut down. My friends in high school wouldn't understand, I told myself. My church wouldn't understand. I can't be gay. This is a small town. I'll be killed. I began to hate myself, even as I couldn't stop watching porn. Down the rabbit hole. My sophomore year, we had moved to a new town, not too far away. I transferred to the public high school. Smaller town. There was a kid who everyone knew was gay, even if he wasn't out, and everyone suspected his friend was also gay. I never approached them. I was afraid of them. If I associated with them, I'd be labeled gay, and it'd all be over. My friend I had managed to make told me one day when we were driving around "I don't understand why a man would want to put another man's dick in his mouth, it's disgusting". I told him I didn't know, and quickly changed the subject. When I was 17, I met a girl from the next town over. We began dating. I suppressed my attractions to men, told myself I'm not gay, and I truly found myself intrigued by her beauty. I quit looking at gay porn. When I'd masturbate, I'd think of her. She was a very devout Christian, no sex before marriage. I felt frustrated because I wanted to have sex with her. I lusted after her. I fell in love with her. It had worked, i'm not gay. Just a phase. Then out of nowhere, she broke up with me. I cried for weeks. I started watching porn again. Then, the worst, my dad found a website in my history that had tons of photos of naked men. He nearly violently confronted me. I told him I was just curious, fully aware of the lie. He told me he wouldn't have a gay son. He'd disown me.

None of this was news to me, I was aware. I knew if I was gay I'd lose my father. It hurt, but I hid it. Went about my life. I watched the gay kid in my high school from afar, wondering how he dealt with the crush of hate. I prayed every day for God to take away my pain, take away my gay. My parent's divorced when I was 17. My mom asked me one day "are you gay?" I said no mom, I'm not, not breathing. My heart quit beating. She told me that I was gay, she'd love me all the same. You'd think this would be a relief, but it wasn't. I told myself you cannot be gay. Gays burn in hell. Gays are disgusting. I'm disgusting. I'm going to burn in hell. I'll never get married. I'll never have a family. I'm a sick bastard for liking men. I must MUST MUST love women. I graduated high school. Moved to the city with my dad to go to school. Moved to the coast. Met a girl from San Antonio. She had a daughter. She was (still is) beautiful. I told myself I loved her. But I never met her again. We carried on a long distance relationship over the phone for over a year, but I never quit looking at porn, or cam chatting with guys from across the country.

I was 19 and moved back home. Still depressed as hell. While at the coast, I had met this guy on the internet who I found extremely attractive. He talked about his dick alot, and all the girls he slept with. Sometime around here I realized, maybe I'm bisexual. I told him. He lived 1,500 miles away. We'd cam chat over yahoo messenger. He seemed okay with the fact I was bisexual. He'd tease me, come on cam in his underwear. Give me shit about it. One day he came on cam in his underwear, then he got naked. I freaked. I was so turned on to everything about him. He told me he wanted me, and that he was gay. I told him that I thought he was beautiful. He turned off his cam, sent me an email calling me a dirty faggot, and that was the end of that. I was further crushed. I came to the realization that I was not really attracted to women. I'm gay. I told myself this every day. Found a gay chat room. Began talking to other young adults. Talking, not cyber-sexing or anything. Tried to accept it. Came out as gay to a guy at work. My mother. My sister. My mother's friend (friend of the guy from my youth). I didn't tell her about what happened between me and her son. He was dating another girl in a string of girls at the time. Everyone seemed okay, but I still didn't feel right. Came out to some friends from college. Came out to my cousin. Nobody shut me out. Everyone loved me. Some told me they weren't exceptionally surprised. I still couldn't swallow that pill. I met a girl. Told her I was bisexual. This seemed to fit. We dated for a while. I slept with her. It wasn't bad, and I enjoyed it, but I couldn't shake this feeling of emptiness. We broke up, went our separate ways. I've met women I'm attracted to since then. Had dreams about sleeping with them. Loving them. I've never been with another man. I went to the local LGBT community center. Ran into the gay kid from high school. Went into full on panic mode. Holy hell, he's gonna tell. Never went back. Saw him a few times around town, there is this unspoken thing between us. He knows. I know he knows. Told my mom I was wrong, not gay. Told my sister I wasn't gay. Told everyone else I was "open" to my sexuality. Whatever happens, happens. Felt okay for a while. I'm 23 now. I identify as straight on dating websites. Talk to women. I'm moving to another city later this year. I want to date women. I love women, and I'm attracted to them. Or I feel I am. But whenever I think about my future with women. I always feel this black hole, because I'm still attracted to men. I still occasionally look at naked men on the internet. I read stories on here. I watch gay films on netflix. Read stories on certain gay themed blogs. I root for gay characters on Glee and other shows. I find myself almost hiding these things again. Who am I? What am I?

I'm sorry for it all being so freaking long, but I hope maybe if you hear the whole story, someone can give me an insight I haven't seen.

 

Thanks for replying. My major conflict with religion is not in my beliefs, I've done enough research ( and I didn't say this up there, I probably should have ) that I believe attraction to a man doesn't constitute sin. My problem is with the 'people of the church, who use the pulpit to spew hatred and spread fear. Enough about that. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's been there with a friend and had things go wrong. I wish I could talk to him, but now he's taken on this tough straight guy attitude, sleeps around alot, and i'm afraid he'd act out violently, so I just avoid him.

If I had to peg it, I'd say I was bisexual. I'm attracted to both sexes, but moreso to men. Even at that, I still would prefer to be with a women, because it would be easier to not have to explain everything to everyone. But then she deserves to know...and blah.

I imagine most of my family would be supportive to some extent, but no one else in the family has ever, to my knowledge, come out as anything other than straight, with the exception of a step cousin. And she lives in Chicago, so that's not much help. As for immediate family, I'm just so afraid of the consequences. I'm still in college. I rely on things from my dad still..I can't talk to him about anything anymore because I am afraid. I don't live with him so that's not a huge problem.

What I really want is to be comfortable in my own skin. Instead of fighting this. I've fought it for so long that I don't know how to stop.

Again, thanks for replying.

 

Something else I left out. Maybe a month ago, this guy that I went to high school with, even though we weren't really friends then, we've stayed in touch and I guess we're friends now. He's got a high amount of trust in me apparently. Anyway, we were chatting on facebook, and he said something to the effect of "hey man, i really need to tell you something, and if you tell anyone, i'll kill you" (not giving his name, obviously). The first thought that went through my mind was that he's gay. This was totally me stereotyping him, because he's since moved to San Francisco to go to art school, and he told me her went to a pride parade once. I was wrong, but not entirely. He told me that he was bisexual and then a bunch of other stuff I didn't really need to know, but yea. And even at that, having a secret of his that he's never told anyone else, I tried for two hours while we were chatting, and I couldn't spit it out that he wasn't the only one. Ugh. I hate my brain.

---------- Post added 11th Apr 2012 at 04:38 PM ----------

Thanks. I was hoping it would come across in an eloquent sort of way.

 

Thanks for the reply!

I would love to meet some LGBT people, but right now I live in a small town and I'm soon moving to a much, much larger city. And I'll also be moving out on my own for the first time. That will make it easier for me to have people over and have open conversations. I still live with my mother right now, since I've been in college. I don't want to talk with the guy from high school, because something about him scares me still.

I've thought about getting counseling, but I'm worried about getting a negative reaction from a therapist who isn't okay with not straight people. Child-on-child sexual abuse? I've never heard of that. But I have felt somewhat dirty about it. He never forced me to do anything though. How can I get in touch with Chip so I can maybe explore that some more?

My sister kind of just shrugged her shoulders and went on. My mom was more concerned. She was worried that she wasn't supportive enough. I told her that she was great, and that I loved her very much, but that it just wasn't the case. Now I'm worried that she won't be as okay with it if I told her again. She has a bisexual friend, and a lesbian friend who is in a lesbian relationship. I've had talks with her about gay rights since this, and while she used to say she didn't believe in same-sex marriage, I showed her the Second Class Citizens trailer on YouTube, and she had tears in her eyes afterwards. I've opened her eyes about it, which I feel good about.

I've tried to think about what life would be like with a man, but all I can see is that I someday want children, and I want them to be MY children. And I think that the fact I've never been in a relationship, or had a boyfriend may be part of that mental block.

 

Thank you! I succeeded in my goal of writing it well then.

 

I keep telling myself that. I've done research. Jesus doesn't condemn homosexuals. Jesus taught love. God is a loving God. But years of "sinners burn in hell" and "gays are evil" is burned in my brain. I want to get it out. But I don't know how.

 

I actually already found him and sent him a message, thank you. Before I do any more coming out to anyone, I'd like to have a better grip on my own reality. Maybe once I've moved out and into the city, I can date some or do something along those lines, meet some other LGBT people, figure out more. I only want to do this one more time. Right now I'm so unsure of things I can't even bring myself to tell people who I know would be 100% okay with it because they told me so or they have gay friends.

---------- Post added 11th Apr 2012 at 07:15 PM ----------

In reference to this, do you think that she really might still suspect? I'm sure if/when I tell her this whole big story again she's gonna be more second guessing, etc. I mean maybe it'll be easier, because you know, she's been through it once. But I don't know....

And as I was sitting here thinking, I realized that there are in this world at least 3 of my friends and 1 of my family members that know I'm not straight. But last time my cousin asked me how things were in reference to my sexuality, I froze. I had a hard time talking to her about it and when I finally did I was kind of flippant, and just, you know, whatever, about it. It freaks me out on a level that is so extreme its borderline paranoia.:bang:

 

I was wrong, 5people that know. I'm still not ready to tell her. And now's a bad time, she's really stressed with work and all. I don't wanna throw anything else on top of her. I've heard stressful times = bad times to come out. Plus last time, she hit me with all these questions I wasn't prepared for, and she wanted to talk to her friend, her pastor, etc. Her friend probably still suspects, because I heard her say one time she thinks everyone is bisexual. But I just don't feel now is the time, I'm so emotionally battered from this and some other things that have been going on in my life. I feel like a bug on a windshield. Although I am now feeling better about it, I have some steps to take, things to, a list of things to work on. And I thank you all for that.

Another thing I realized, anyone who takes a look at my facebook wouldn't be hard pressed to put two + two together. I don't have anything down on orientation, and I "liked" a bunch of gay rights organizations to follow. But I doubt many people dig that far.

 

Well i'm just not gonna worry about it right now. I'm gonna just focus on myself, trying to accept myself for...whoever I am. Then I'll move on to the next step. I will try and talk to a therapist, but I don't know where to find one. But I guess I've gotta do something. I can't keep living this way.

 

I am in college, but I'm taking online classes. And I don't know if my college has that, it's rather small, and I've never heard of one there. I do have insurance but there's a crazy deductible and I was just laid off. So I am horrifyingly strapped for cash.