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How did you get out of the bargaining stage?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kellymporta, Apr 11, 2012.

  1. kellymporta

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    Hello everyone! I hope everyone around here is doing great.

    I'm creating this thread because I think I'm stuck in the bargaining stage. The thing is, I have recently considered coming out as bisexual since I'm completely sure I like guys (getting comfortable with the idea) but I'm not 100% gay (lets say that I'm above 90% gay and the exact figure varies between 90 - 100 depending on the day).

    Yesterday I was able to chat with some one from here and he gave me the advice of not doing that. I think it is a good advice since he pointed out that it would reinforce the stereotype that bisexuals are just "half-closeted" gays, and it made me realize that I would probably have to come out twice. He also gave me another good advice that was to come out as gay (since I'm gay), but if I ever found my perfect type of women I should be able to tell her my true feelings (telling her that I like mostly guys but that she is special for me). He told me that if a woman can't accept me under those conditions, then she is not the right person to begin a relationship with.

    Having said that, right now I think I'm getting more comfortable with my same sex feelings (that's why I'm looking forward to come out), but at the same time I'm not comfortable enough to come out as gay. That is why I like to consider the possibility that I could find a girl for me thus making me bisexual (I think this is mostly me bargaining with myself).

    So what did you do to break the cycle of bargaining with yourself? What can I do? I need to get past this because I want to come out. I think that being more accepting of myself has improved my mental health during these last few months. Right now I feel better than when I was in complete denial or when I wanted to cure myself. However, coming out if I'm in the bargaining stage is not wise since that would mean I could regret coming out once I'm out as gay.

    Also is it possible that the right label for me is (yeah, new word for me) Homoflexible Gay?
     
  2. RainbowWolfie

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    That's a really new word for me too.
    I looked it up, and I do not think it would be the right thing to do if you were uncertain that you would change now and again, from Bi to Gay.

    How I did it? Well, I'm Bi so I had little issue with it. Basically I told myself:
    "Is this truly who I am? Yes, I think so.

    My advice to you is to be certain that you are Gay before you come out as Gay. Coming out as one thing and then saying you're another could make some people not believe you are serious.
    If you are 100% certain that you are Gay, convince yourself of this fact until you are able to feel comfortable with it.

    I wish you the best of luck! (And I hope this helped.)

    :slight_smile:
     
  3. Lexington

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    Well, why not simply be honest? Say you've come to the conclusion that you're attracted to guys, but you're not sure if you also like girls. That doesn't set anything in stone other than "I'll be interested in guys". :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. Merlot

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    lol homoflexible, that is just silly and everyone you tell is going to think you are gay so just own up to it.
     
  5. JRNagoya

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    For me, I just got tired of being alone (not lonely, just alone) and I was tired of lying and hiding myself to others. It was a breaking point. I read somewhere on this forum that when the consequences of being closeted outweigh the consequences of being out, then maybe it's time to come out. Now consequences can be both good or bad, so it's not necessarily a bad vs. bad or good vs. good scenario. It just is. I also think personality plays a crucial role in the process. How comfortable are you with yourself, with your friends/family, and with sharing personal information? It's not like you're telling someone that you enjoy hikes in the mountain. You're telling them intimate details about your life. That's usually enough to keep anyone from accepting who they are or coming out.
     
  6. Ianthe

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    My answer is basically what Lex said. Coming out is about being honest. It's not necessarily about being certain or being right. You can come out, right now, by being perfectly honest with people about where you are on this issue--for example, you might say, "I mostly like guys. I still keep thinking I could find the perfect girl for me, but I'm probably just fooling myself about that."

    That is what you really think and feel. Therefore, it is the honest thing to tell people right now. In the future, you will very likely come to more definite conclusions, but you don't have to wait to happen before you share your life with the people close to you. They can come along with you on the journey as you figure things out.
     
  7. kellymporta

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    :eek: You found the exact words on how I feel. I think that is the perfect phrase to use when I come out!

    I think that coming out with that phrase is the best since honestly that's how I feel. Also I agree with you, honesty is a key component to be happy. I guess that is why I'm more happy right now and why I want to come out. What I don't want is to postpone too much my coming out. I don't want to postpone it too much because I'm starting to feel more comfortable with myself about being gay, and I don't want to go back into denial or self hatred. It is just not healthy for the mind.

    Thank you so much Ianthe! :thumbsup:

    It still doesn't solve my original question (How to leave the bargaining stage), but at least now I found the perfect thing to say when I come out.

    In relationship with the bargaining stage, I forgot to add something important. I think that my bargaining is always triggered by "family topics". So for example, every time a cousin gets married I start bargaining. Every time a see a perfect family (Mom, Dad, and Children) I start bargaining. Every time I see a little kid, I want my own children and I start bargaining. Every time I start thinking about how it was growing up with my family and I start bargaining. The funny thing is that I don't have the problem other people in here mention. I can picture myself in a gay "marriage" and with adopted kids as a perfect life. It is also funny that in my perfect straight family I would also like to adopt a Child, so I don't have that big of a problem if my children don't share my blood.

    I think that the problem arises when I think about having to present a bf to my family instead of a gf. :confused:
     
  8. Merlot

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    I have found that in many cases people are not 100% they are gay, often times they have never even had sex with the same gender so coming out may not be as honest as you think. Your point holds more true in the cases where one is out having homosexual sex and enjoying it while perhaps also being married or pretending to be straight.
     
  9. Brandon

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    When I was a teenager I saw myself as bisexual, I had this little line one that said "Gay, Bisexual and Straight" I felt that I was in the middle of being bisexual but then leaning towards gay. When I turned 20 years old I said to myself OK, I need to be truthful about myself. I looked at my life and thought "Damn, why am I playing this bisexual line game with myself?"

    I learned that I've always been gay, from when I was 5 years old to 19 years old I just thought bisexual was just an acceptable label or sexuality that straight people didn't find as offending as being gay. If people were offended that I was gay and thought "You choose that lifestyle" then that's their issue not mine. I then came out to myself as gay and consider myself gay.
     
  10. Merlot

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    The tendency is for people to project their own experiences and world view on others. Apply said logic to heterosexism and religion.
     
  11. Gravity

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    I think what Ianthe suggested is a fantastic way to put it - but then you already like the idea so I don't need to promote it. :grin:

    As far as leaving the bargaining stage, I think it just takes time. The more you accept yourself and the more you allow yourself to view your "perfect life" as involving a male partner, the less you'll feel like there's anything to bargain for. I bargained for a long time, but eventually I realized that there's no reason I can't have all the things I want and still be gay. And it makes a lot of sense that those are the times you feel the need to bargain - it's whenever you're faced with a tangible reminder of the life you've been promised since you were born, but the life you've "lost" somehow. But again, in time you'll realize more and more that you didn't lose anything - in fact, by accepting yourself and becoming happy and figuring out what it is that YOU really want, you're being given - or rather, you're earning - a great deal. :slight_smile:
     
  12. socalguitarguy

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    I also like Iante's recommendation. For the longest time I felt like I needed to figure myself out 100% before telling anyone, because I didn't want to have to "backtrack" later if I changed my mind. Eventually it got to be too overwhelming trying to deal with the issue on my own, and I felt like I was stagnant in my progress. So, I started telling those close to me and was open about the fact that I was still questioning. I feel like that has made things so much better, and I feel closer to figuring it out because of it.
     
  13. Just Passing

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    Hello kellymporta, great thread really enjoyed reading that opening post of yours. Might be because we're in a similar-ish sort of position, what with wanting to come out and approaching comfort in our sexuality, but still a bit unsure about things.

    Personally, I would just come out as gay. You're clearly more attracted to men as opposed to women and unless you're very lucky, going out with a woman is going to be slim. Still, I can sympathise with the whole presenting a boyfriend to the family instead of a girlfriend. I'm worried about that eventuality too, but I'd say go for it. I'm sure you've got nothing to lose and you're at the stage where you're mostly comfortable with your sexuality.
     
  14. Lewnatic

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    Merlot, I'm beginning to find your generalizing sickly, especially coming from someone who hasn't even disclosed their sexuality on their profile. Stop telling people stuff like "you're not bi, you're gay...accept it." You have no right to make that assumption, so stop it.
     
  15. Holmes

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    Until you come out the first time, the right form of words can seem daunting. The first time I came out, I just told a friend that I had a crush on someone. When she asked who, and it was a boy's name, I'd come out, without using the word bi or gay. I must have used one of those words as the conversation went on, but at that point it's less of an issue, once you get over the hurdle of coming out and you're just having a chat.
     
  16. kellymporta

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    Yeah, that is exactly the same feeling I'm having. I don't want to come out as gay and then change my mind because I found my perfect girl (even though that situation is very unlikely).

    Probably you're right. Coming out as gay could be easier since I'm practically 100% gay. However, since I still bargain with myself that means I could easily regret coming out as gay. I will still follow Ianthe's recommendation because it will allow me to come out in the most truthful way. Maybe I just need more time before I can finally say in real life the words "I am gay", but like socalguitarguy suggested, I don't think I can handle staying in the closet until I figure myself out 100%.

    Great post! That was another thing I forgot to mention. I don't want to "formally come out" (sitting someone just to tell them "I'm gay"). I just want it to happen in a casual way. Like if people around me start talking about girls they like, I start talking of guys I like.

    Since I will probably start studying abroad this year, when I talk about coming out I'm still not talking about coming out to the people I know. I'm just talking about coming out to the people I will meet while living abroad. I just don't want them to think I'm straight and perpetuate the closeted life while living abroad.
     
  17. Deaf Not Blind

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    Thank you! I read "his" posts and if they had been addressed to me i would have cryed. I think the purpose of this place is to safely talk about our confusion and all the labels and possibilities, and the words Merlot uses is downright mean. IF you don't want to be labeled as mean, please post more carefully! Some of us are more fragile and you don't want anyone to do something you will regret...