The intimacy barrier

Hey all,
So, I've spent the last couple of years making very slow progress in figuring out my sexuality. Finally this year I decided enough was enough and I started going on dates with guys I met through online dating sites. I figured I would never really know myself for sure until I got out there and interacted with gay guys. It has definitely been an experience so far. Finally getting some dating experience has made me feel more normal in a way, even though a guy dating guys isn't "the norm," haha.

So far I've met a couple guys I've liked, but my inexperience is becoming problematic and kind of ruined my chances with them. Technically I haven't officially come out as "gay," though I have talked to a number of family and friends about my journey. I've felt like I need to experience being intimate with a guy before being confident enough to identify myself that way. I just don't know how to go about crossing that intimacy barrier. So far my dates have all been "getting to know you" dates with a hug really being the only physical contact (except for one guy who kissed me on the cheek, I really should have reciprocated).

I guess my question is . . . how and when did you first up the ante and cross the intimacy barrier? I've heard the stereotypical "kiss on the third date" rule. Does that ring true for anybody?

 

Thanks so much for the advice everyone. I do kind of feel like I've been pressuring myself. I feel behind since I'm 27 and just now dating for pretty much the first time ever (except for one date soon after college, that one was with a girl). I guess I've gotten kind of disillusioned with the passive approach, the "wait and see" and "everything will sort itself out" way of thinking, which is why I'm trying to be more proactive. Still, I can see your point that a lot of it is waiting for the right person.

Truthfully there's been one guy that I liked quite a lot so far during my dating exploration (the one that gave me the kiss on the cheek). In the end he decided he didn't want to date me because he's relatively inexperienced himself and he wanted someone with more experience than him. That was a huge let down and made me feel like a fresh graduate from college (can't get hired without experience, can't get experience unless you're hired). In retrospect I wonder whether he was looking for someone like you guys have described . . . someone more "aggressive" or more "confident in their own sexuality" to help him find his way.

On the bright side, we're friends now and I'll actually be hanging out with him this weekend!

 

Thanks Chip, that's good advice. I'm not even necessarily thinking of sex when I talk about "intimacy", even just things like kissing, cuddling, etc. I've always been pretty conservative when it comes to sex (perhaps overly so, to the point of being repressed), so I'm definitely not the type to have a one-night stand with someone.

I may take you up on the kind offer at some point, thanks.

This forum seems really cool, I wish I knew about it four years ago when all this confusion really came to a head, haha.

 

LOL. So I just gotta wait until the monster explodes from my loins. Got it.

To follow up, the guy that kissed me on the cheek ended up just wanting to be friends. I hung out with him for half the day yesterday and I think I like him even more now, haha. If he were to change his mind I feel like I would be much more likely now to return the favor :icon_bigg

 

Hey all,
A quick update: I broke the barrier!! The aforementioned guy that I like . . . we were hanging out, had an awesome day together. I ended up giving him a kiss on the cheek, which led to us sharing our feelings with each other, which led to me going in for the real deal on the mouth. Long story short, we spent the night cuddling. Taking it slow as far as any more than that. It was a good night.

 

Thanks for the congrats guys

I agree with insidehappy. The first kiss is definitely an awkward one. He knew of my inexperience though, and he's not all that experienced himself. One of the perks of our mutual inexperience: mutual awkwardness. Just another thing to share, haha.

 

Thanks! Yeah. I realized it was kind of up to me to up the ante or risk remaining in the Friend Zone. I'll admit the moment leading up to the real kiss was quite awkward, but I kind of made a joke out of it. I do think I need some kissing practice though, I really didn't know what I was doing. But whatever, seemed to work out okay.

Oh, I also need to get a bigger bed

 

As time goes on the barrier is getting further and further shattered. Today he surprised me midway through the day by offering to drive down and meet me for dinner (we live about 40 minutes apart, more with traffic). I already had dinner plans with friends so he ended up joining us. This was the first any of my friends have met him, and I was worried about the level of intimacy I would be comfortable with. Well, it turns out that I could barely keep my hands off of him, lol. I didn't mind sitting real close, and we were even holding hands under the table for most of dinner. Also, for a while before dinner we sat on a bench outside, his arm around my neck, in plain view of whoever might walk by.

I've also gotten more comfortable with kissing. I had my first make out session last weekend, and we did it again tonight before he drove back home. Yay!!! :-D

 

Thanks, NemesisPrime. That's good that you'd want to take things slow. Whenever we do escalate things from here, so to speak, it will be based on all of the emotional affection we've been building. For me that would be far preferable to having my first time be a one-night stand or something like that.

Best of luck when you start dating. In my experience online dating can be a great way to start.