About a year ago, I posted this: So I have a friend that i've known since around 7th grade (we're juniors in high school now). We've been more like acquaintances until the beginning of this school year when we started hanging out more & got closer. Over the past 4 months, I've realized that I'm starting to like him as more than a friend and its been killing me because I have no clue about where to even start. He doesn't know I'm gay, and I'm totally unsure of his sexuality. He has had one girlfriend in all of high school (and has only claimed to like the girl in situations where it was all guys talking about girls they like), but it was really short lived (like 2 weeks), always really awkward between them, and afterwards the girl involved said that there wasn't any chemistry at all. basically, he's a really nice person, but there isn't much concrete evidence to suggest he is gay, straight, or bi (or i just have a terrible gaydar). any suggestions about how to go about finding this out? i've thought about telling him im gay to see his reaction but i haven't had the courage to do that so far. tl;dr, how can you tell if someone is gay? ------------------------------------------------- A few days later, I ended up telling him I am gay, he was chill with it, and life moved on. Throughout the summer and this school year, I gradually became more comfortable with my sexuality at school, recently told my brother & one of my parents, etc. My friend and I became closer and begun hanging out more, we are both on the robotics team, doing our senior project together, and a bunch of other things. And he was still as unreadable as ever. The one problem is that I never got over him. That fact actually torched things a couple times when I accidentally led another guy on (after I was more out) and realized that I still like him (don't worry that kind of resolved itself and is pretty much better now). The intensity of me crushing on him varied throughout the school year, but I never told him because I was unsure if it would wreck our friendship if he was straight and/or didn't like me back. About 3 months ago, another close friend of mine (who also knows my crush) couldn't get a read on him either, but said that he if he's gay/bi, he probably likes me. This other friend pretty much convinced me to tell my crush I like him, and I chickened out at the last minute. And then it happened. I was chatting my friend while I was on a college visit a few weeks ago, and the topic got to people who we'd hook up with if there were no emotional/social repercussions. I listed off a few guys in our grade, but then he unexpectedly said he wanted to tell me something: that he is bi. My heart literally jumped a few beats. We went through the standard questions (parents know? coming out before college? etc.). It turns out I'm the only person he's ever told. We realized it was about 4 in the morning (1 for him; timezones) so the conversation ended. The following week continued as usual, the topic didn't really come up that much, but I had invited him to my dad's place in the city to chill & have a couple drinks (my dad was on a business trip). While there (a friday night), we got pretty buzzed, ordered dinner, and while we were playing a lotr movie game (drink when gandalf does something badass, etc.) I paused the movie and told him that before we get farther under, I had something to tell him. I told him that I liked him a lot and have for the past year. He said that he's really relieved because he liked me too. That was literally the happiest moment in my recent memory, trumping getting into a dream college. We hooked up that night/slept together (no actual sex, don't worry). A couple days later, he told me that he didn't actually like me in that way, it was just remnants from 3-5 months ago when he really liked me. Now he just thinks "im a cool guy" or something like that. That emotionally destroyed me for the next day or so because not only did it knock me off a teen hormonal high I had been on for 2 days, but if i had only told him about my feelings when my other friend told me to, it would have ended differently. I basically have been hiding my emotions for the past few weeks and have been acting as if nothing ever happened because it would be too difficult, as we see each other all the time (hanging out with the same group of people, working on the same senior project, etc.). --------------------------- Considering this is a forum post being written a couple weeks after these events, I didn't include all details (and might have put in too many too, idk). I pretty much have no clue what to do. I still like him a lot. It makes things especially difficult because I'm the only one who knows he's bi (I actually think he's gay but is trying to cling onto some form of heterosexuality). He is terrified of people knowing so I can only hint to other friends that I just went through relationship problems. And I'm not even really sure what the actual situation is. He might still like me but doesn't want to deal with the risk. Or he might really just not like me in that way. I'm confused because a couple days ago when we were at the movies with people, he kept pressing his foot into my leg (he was sitting in the figure 4 position and my feet were up on the seat in front of me). I moved my legs so that we weren't touching but he kept doing it. Or, as we're both teenage guys, he could just be into me sexually and not emotionally. I just don't know what to do, I'd still hook up with him even if he didn't like me emotionally because I find him to be really attractive (or it could be rose colored lenses, idk). I also don't want to do anything that makes him too uncomfortable because he isn't out at all and probably isn't too comfortable with his sexuality. Sorry for the long post, I felt context was important though. Anyone have any advice at all?
Well he obviously isn't straight. I'd reiterate your feelings to him. Make sure he knows. You need to be honest with him, burying it will only harm things in the end.
Dam, i forgot to say, the day after he told me he doesn't like me that way I wrote this love note to him pouring out my feelings. We talked again after he read it and he reaffirmed what he said the day before. I probably did it too soon...
Maybe send him here? Not to this thread, I mean, but to this site. If you're the only one he's come out to, he probably needs some help getting comfortable with his sexuality. Maybe try talking about being gay, without making it all about you and him. Or even just let him know you're available if he wants to talk things over, idk. Once he's feeling better about that, he might want to hook up with you after all, or he might not. Even if he doesn't, he's your friend and you can feel good about offering support and encouragement. Is your school culture particularly homophobic? Why is he so worried about people finding out he's bi?
Thanks for the reply, I think I've made it clear to him he can talk to me about stuff if he wants to, though, I can be awkward and am not the best at giving advice. Our school is actually very accepting, I think he's just not comfortable with it himself and is afraid of being stereotyped. I've asked him how things are going in that realm but he said there isn't much because he just hasn't told people. I've suggested several times he tell someone else so that he has someone to talk to who isn't as awkward as me.
Oh, okay. In that case I don't know what more to offer... I was lucky, when I first came out as bisexual to a friend, he said, "You're bisexual? That's awesome!" and since then it has felt like a privilege rather than a problem. Maybe he just needs more time?
I'd think he needs more time, for sure; coming out to oneself and to others takes different lengths of time for different people - indeed it's not a race and should take as long as it needs to take and should never be rushed by the individuals or other that they know. There's a good chance that he'll say / not say do / not do certain things because he's not as out and as comfortable as you. He may well be struggling with internal denial still or being non-straight, or perhaps his parents aren't very accepting of LGBT folk, so he's fighting to stay their ideal child? There are so many facets to these situations. Chances are with the foot-touching-in-cinema thing that he's feeling conflicted inside. He said he had had previous feelings for you; perhaps he's telling the truth that he used to like you now not as much, or that he still holds feelings for you but there's something holding him back (what springs to mind are fears of ruining the good friendship you currently have). I'm not saying that either of the cases are true, those are just two possibilities and I don't wish to give you hope either way that you two could have something more special. The big question you want to ask yourself and have a soul-search with is this: do you really want to have something more with him? I hate to be pessimistic, but looking at all the things that could go wrong -you two "go for it" and a few weeks down the line it all falls apart, you never speak to each other again and you loose the friend you had in each other. I'll illustrate with a counter-example: I had a very similar situation with a male friend of mine, we'll call him S. I made him Valentines and offered cinema evenings and dinners out and everything and he took these in the "as friends / can A and B come along?" type events. Eventually I came clean and just said that I really fancied him. S repeatedly said he wouldn't want anything to come between us and I'm am so very glad he said this because since then, I found someone who far surpasses him (not to belittle S in anyway, of course), called J, and I have an excellent and really close friend in S and we go to each other for relationship advice. It would not have worked out any better had we chosen to progress to a relationship. End of. When the blow came that he didn't "want" me, I was pretty heartbroken, I was knocked out of the high I was ridding in and I was pretty miserable for a week or so. It probably took me a good number of months to fully come to terms that nothing would come out of our friendship and the crush eventually faded in probably about half a year. So what I want to conclude with is that, yes whilst there's a possibility that you two could have something or may well progress to such a relationship in the future, it often works out equally well to remain as just friends. Crushes can take a long time to fade and it's not something that you can accelerate, it just happens on its own accord.
I saw S everyday too, we were at school together in all the same classes. It's hard, but it's not impossible (*hug*)
