Hi everyone, I am a gay man and I have been out for the past 15 years. My sister called me today and told me some pretty scary stories of my 15 year old nephew meeting 3 much older guys online (one of which is a convicted sex offender). Telling his parents he was going to a sleepover and having these guys pick him up and take him to a hotel where they all had sex with him!?!? My sister is pressing charges on the 3 men, and my nephew is wanting to come out of the closet, screaming it from the rooftops. My sister is totally supoortive of her son, but is just worried he is making the wrong descisions and doesn't want his elaborate coming out to affect his 3 siblings that attend the same school? She wants me to talk to him to kind of explain this, and I am not quite sure of how to talk to him about it. I never had anyone tell me how to come out. I know it is a progression, but how do I warn him of the dangerous activities he is persuing? Please give me some advice on how to talk to my nephew. Sincerely, Josh
Hello Josh, welcome to Empty Closets. Got to admit that is a pretty scary story and how some young individuals find themselves falling for people they don't personally know with a massive age gap. Good on your sister pressing charges on these guys, regardless of their intentions. As for your nephew, I would just explain that being Gay is perfectly fine and natural, but that there are some sick people in the world who may pray upon certain character traits and use you for their own means and it's best not to get involved with strangers with such a huge age gap with personal intimate things like sleepovers and going to meet up with them. Sorry to hear about this however, all the best of luck. Hope everything works out for you all and most importantly your nephew.
Hi Josh, welcome to EC! May I ask whether your nephew opened up about the meetings he's had or whether his mother found out about them another way? If he's been open, and is happy about his mother pressing charges, then I think that's a step in the right direction already. He's 15—still young, but probably intelligent and definitely capable of independent thought. When you talk to him, try and be as non-judgmental as you can, and don't put words into his mouth that he hasn't said, which means pick on how he says he's feeling and take each word seriously. It's difficult for people to open up, and your job here is to be a friend who can listen and relate to him. It can also be really awkward talking to your family about sex, so try and be aware of how he's feeling and try not to jump straight into the sex bit unless he does it first. Maybe you could make a mental list of things that you want to say during the conversation at some point, and when it feels like a natural time, you can say them. Instead of saying "you can catch anything from what you've been doing", it's more powerful to say "have you thought about the long term effects of…". It's also important that you keep your tone as friendly as possible. Those are just a few things you might want to consider, and I'm sure you'll do a great job at helping him. As for you, it might also be helpful to talk about how you feel about the whole thing with someone. You can chat to us here, or maybe there's someone at home who you can talk to. Take care
I don't know your nephew, but here's what I would want if I were 15, gay and not dealing with it well. Find a time and place where you can sit and talk for as long as you want, not being interrupted, but having the option of doing something different if he wants to take a break from the conversation. Start off with something like, "I'm a bit concerned about you, is there anything you want to talk about? Any questions you want to ask? Don't worry if he doesn't have any. Fill in time by talking about yourself. Tell him what being gay means to you. If he's uninhibited enough to hook up with older guys on the Internet, then you can probably go into a lot of detail without making him uncomfortable. Be completely honest, and as calm as you can manage. He may or may not choose to talk about himself, so don't pressure him. What's important is that you end the conversation when he's had enough, and that you end it with something like, "Let me know if you want to talk again, any time, for any reason." Make sure you're never scolding or judging. If you're honest with him, and nice to him, then he'll come back to you for advice when he feels ready, or needs advice. Don't tell him what to do until he asks you what to do. Good luck.
Welcome to EC! I'd say the main thing to worry about is him hooking up with guys online. That's something that needs to stop immediately. I wouldn't necessarily pound him over the head with horror stories (but feel free to mention them), but point out that these guys are probably going to go to jail even though he willingly did this with them. Point out that he'll be putting anybody he hooks up with into the same sort of situation. Other than that, I'd just hear him out. Ask him what the general opinion is of gay people at his school. How are the other gay students treated? Does he think he can handle any grief that comes his way? If he's sure he can, I'd simply be supportive. And if he hasn't had the safe sex lecture yet - and one can only hope he has after what he's done - I'd say it's definitely time for it. Also, feel free to point him in our direction. Lex
Hi Josh, I agree with Lex. Not too sure what the family dynamics is like for your nephew, but perhaps it would be good for him to sleep over at your place for a weekend. Get to see what his gay uncle is like on a daily basis - mentor him. Or if thats too time consuming perhaps take him volunteering at your local LGBT health centre. Here in Toronto, we got ACT (Aids Committee of Toronto) and I volunteer there every other week. I see lots of people living with HIV, AIDS and other STIs. Its a great place to be educated and learn what you may have to go through if you make unprotected choices. Sometimes young people may not want to talk about their feelings or simply its hard to, so taking them to a community may help them open up. I hope everything will be okay.
this is your nephew and you're his uncle. you been gay long before he was in the womb so who better to sit down and explain to him what is going on with himself than you. im not quite sure what you mean by you do not know how to talk to him about his sexuality and coming out.....look at who is talking to him now (3 online people who ran a train on him at a seedy hotel). if you do not intervene far worse can happen. sit him down and let him know the deal. he is acting out sexually and clearly in a downward spiral. he needs to know being gay is not about sex. it just means that he likes the same sex. also he needs to know about sexual safety, getting tested now that he is active and taking time to get to know someone. he also needs to know about the dangers of being gay and what to watch out for and about the good things you have experienced and what positive things he can expect.
Thank you all for your great advice, it all really helped when I talked to him. I am going to ask my sister to have him come to Las Vegas, and spend some time with my partner and I, and show him how it can be in a committed relationship. The last thing a good him was how much I loved him and how great it makes me feel, that he could talk to me about it. I also let his Mom know to support him in whatever he decides to do. And make home a safe place where we wants to spend time. Again I appreciate all of the advice. Josh
Hey I just throw into the mix that you can always tell him about EC, if you dont want him to see the thread you made about getting advice for him, if you ask the moderators they can hide it.
Josh, you've gotten some great advice, and you sound like a wonderful supportive presence in his life. I think others have pretty much said it all. The one thing I'd reinforce is try and get your nephew to join EC and participate here. I think a lot of teens reach out and end up with creepy older guys specifically because they need someone to connect with emotionally, and the creepers have an amazing way of telling the teens exactly what they want to hear. But because this community has so many people his own age, he'll be able to talk to others in his same circumstances, some of whom have been through the same sorts of events... and help him understand why there are better choices and other options for helping him to feel comfortable with himself. If you decide to do that, and want us to do so, we can move this thread so he won't feel like his situation has been publicly discussed with everyone. I'd also encourage you, if you have the time, to stick around and share your experiences here. It's always helpful, particularly to our older members just in the process of coming out, to hear from others who are in committed relationships.
Welcome to EC Josh. What you are doing as an uncle is awesome! You have gotten some great advice and I really can't think too much more to add. You may want to see if your nephew's school has a gay, straight alliance and if there is one encourage him to join it. If not, see if there are and LGBT youth groups in his area. If there are it would be a great resource for him to meet people his age. Also like others have said have him join EC. He will get alot out of it.
