ok so maybe I'm feeling this 'cause of what a friend said to me last night when I told her I had quit Courage but I think really it goes deeper than that. I'm an emotional basket case right now. Does anyone else wake up at 3am feeling like they're going to go to hell, having had dreams where they are burning and it hurts so bad they can feel the pain in their sleep, and wake up terrified? I'm also extremely upset over having damaged this friendship, I know I'm supposed to be okay and not care what people think or just realize that I'm finding out who my real friends are and be fine with it but I'm not, not even a little. maybe it goes back to when I was 11 and I moved to my Dad's, and my mom said she didn't love me anymore and then wouldn't even talk to me on the phone for half a year. and ignored me when I came to visit for Christmas, like I wasn't even there. ever since, I've been trying to prove that I can make people - anyone really - love me, and then I realized that people - lots of people - just don't love gay people and I don't want to be gay but I am and I can't help it. so I'm trying to be ok but really I'm not. and I don't know why I'm telling all of you this except that I really just need to admit to it, I'm not looking for advice or anything, just to know that I said it and someone else understood what I mean would be enough. for both things. I don't need someone else's opinion on whether or not I'm loveable or whether or not I'll go to hell, I just need to know that I'm not the only one who has doubts some - or even a lot - of the time. am I the only one who feels isolated and terrified at times?
No, you're not the only one. And within certain limits, it's normal. (*hugs*) It's okay to care what people think - some people, at least. If you didn't care what anybody thought it would be hard to make friends or have a good relationship with family. The dreams sound like an anxiety thing, but if it's not too recurring, it may not be a huge issue. Maybe you could try to focus on the people who already love you - family, friends, whomever. You can't make everyone like you but the people who do are important, and that's where you should be spending your energy. Or at least, that's what I try to do.
thank you, Gravity. I can't wait until my next counseling appointment, a lot of my questions I should probably be asking my psychologist but the appointment is not for another couple of weeks and in the meantime I feel like I'm floundering and I'm not sure how much is normal and how much is just me. I can't wait for my second ever PFLAG meeting tonight though!
I love you. I fear I am headed to Hell sometimes. Alot of the time.. That's mostly to do with actually not believing in or loving God anymore than just my sexuality. I haven't had any nightmares directly involving being in Hell itself, but I have similiar dreams of dying. My post in the religion thread: Spoiler Since it's already been mentioned, I'd like to point out one of the darker sides of religion. So I was raised with Southern Baptist, Christian parents. Been to church since I was 13, stopped at 16 basically. (Can't believe it's been that long.) As I said earlier I was saved at 15, stopped considering myself a Christian at 16. Now I consider myself non-religious, though I have not come out of there without scars. Mine would be the threat of eternal damnation, AKA Hell. I still can't fully shake those thoughts, those beliefs, from my mind. They are always there. I have nightmares of dying. It's very scary. I don't think I'll ever be fully rid of these teachings. In the back of my mind I will always believe I am going to be tortured in Hell for all eternity the second I die. And there will be no hope. No one will save me. I will never leave. I don't believe I deserve Hell, but it doesn't matter. God thinks I do. And nothing I do can stop him from throwing me into the fire. Now some people could tell me their beliefs, where they believe in a God who won't reject me that harshly. Doesn't matter. I was raised with these beliefs. And they will forever reside in the back of my head. Always. Even before I was saved I had these thoughts. Scared of dying before I got saved. The relief didn't last long, as I was only a true "Christian" for one year. So. There are definitely consequences for teaching this stuff to your children. Not everyone is like me, but it can happen. Hadephobia is real. And it isn't fun. And it sure as fuck doesn't seem "irrational." Doesn't mean it's true.. but those feelings can be extremely lonely and terrifying.
You're definetely not the only one. I. Think you need to find a peace of mind. A place where you're accepted and happy, and I know tghats easier said than done.I think you should give your friend time to cool down and to collect their thoughts a little better. Also, what's Courage?
Courage is a Catholic program that uses 12 steps to attempt to repress what they refer to as homosexual tendencies - so basically one's orientation. It's not really a healthy organization to belong to, but I was a member for just over 5 years - and before that I was a member of the protestant equivalent, Exodus. I ended up quitting after I began to recognize how unhealthy the program was for me. It's creating some backlash for me, though, because there are some people who knew I was in Courage and supported it and they are disappointed in me for quitting. There are also a lot of people, however, who had no idea and who are supportive of me and even some who are happy that I've left Courage.
Let me ask you something: if you had a child, would you burn her on the stove? Would you strike her until she fell over in a seizure? You'd go to jail at the speed of light! When you think about "going to hell", ask yourself if you want to believe in a god who is like the parent I just described above. From what I read in your thoughts, that is the most important thing for you to think about now.
I've had dreams where I'm burning on a stake and ppl I know are watching, screaming at me. I don't think its exactly a fear of going to hell. I think its prompted by more fear of what will ppl think of me then by what will god think of me. I belive that god isn't going to punish someone because of who they love, no matter what sex you're attracted to. It's small minded ppl that punish others in gods name.
