I went to the doctors today, my local GP, because I've been having ear problems and I found a lump under my armpit. The ear problem was a minor infection, and the lump was just a small cyst, however he did ask me something that shocked me, and that was: "do you find that you worry a lot?" If any of you have seen my past posts, I have had terrible anxiety and depression, all to do with my sexuality. I came out to my parents - they were very accepting, though my mum struggles - and it just made me feel worse. I look for problems where there aren't any, I over analyse everything, I try and predict the future and where I'll be in 10 years...will I have kids like I want to, will I be alone? I didn't go to the doctors for my anxiety and depression, as it has gotten so much better now and I don't really seem to worry so much about it anymore. The only things that really worry me are what my family is thinking, and me feeling like I'm treading on egg shells around them. I did tell my doctor that I've been having anxiety for a while, but I didn't mention what about or that it made me depressed. I said it had gotten a lot better, which it had, and he said that I shouldn''t be hesitant to speak up if I'm having problems. I was quite astounded that he seemed to be able to tell that I was having anxiety issues just from talking to me...I must give off a very worried vibe. Doctors are experts after all. Now that I'm back at home, I sort of wish I had said something, I wish I had just blurted out everything going on in my head, and at the time I sort of wanted to...but I couldn't. I couldn't find the words or the strength to say something. I couldn't say "for years now I've been struggling with my sexuality..." etc. I want to make another appointment with him now, but I don't want my mum and dad to know...I feel I have caused them enough worry, which I have. If I lived on my own, there's no reason I should have to tell them that I've gone to seek help. These are my demons, not theres, I just want them to treat me as normal as they used to. My sexuality shouldn't have to be an issue. Do I have to tell them? How do I seek help...how do I sit down and tell my doctor everything when I don't have the strength to?
I personally would try and find a counsellor or someone who is more equipped to help you with such a situation. But if you don't want to, you don't have to tell people about your problems. Or maybe you only need to tell a close friend, or something like that. I remember when I was going through a stressful situation a few weeks ago, and I started having an acne breakout (I can prove the two are related because now my face is quite clear). I'd be inclined to say the cyst is why he thought you may have been having anxiety problems. Unless the doctor also has qualifications as a psychologist/counsellor, he wouldn't be able to pick it just from your actions, unless they're REALLY obvious. (I'm talking about friends/teachers being concerned obvious). Just having a close friend or two (or even the EC community) to blurt it all out too will make things a lot better. But in the end, in order to tell somebody everything, you will need to get the strength to tell someone everything. In the end, you need to be the one who makes the first step.
A counselor is probably better equipped than a GP, who isn't really trained to deal with anything other than the physical. Ask around, look them up on Google, try to find one that seems like what you want. I don't know about your situation- my parents always encouraged me to talk to people about my problems. Actually, talking with someone might help your mom come to terms, because the counselor's acceptance of you as normal could help her understand that as well.
I wouldn't completely discount talking to your GP. GP's listen to stories all day, every day just like counselors. The only down side is that some GP's schedules are pretty tight so they don't always have a lot of time to spend with each patient. When I came out to my GP it was a very positive session and I walked away feeling much better. It sounds to me like yours would be good person to talk to from what you said about him. He may be able to direct you to a counselor or someone else to talk to for the future. I also ended up going to a counselor which was also very good for me. I think you should consider maybe talking to you parents about this, maybe they will support you in seeing a counselor.......which might help take some stress off you, if your not trying to do this without them knowing. I'm sure they want you to be happy. I think every parent wants that for there child.
I know exactly how you feel. I have always had anxiety and obsessive thoughts, and it has made dealing with my sexuality a lot harder because I keep second guessing myself and thinking all kinds of possible outcomes, etc. I have recently begun going ton a therapist and it seems to be helping...some days are better than others. Just have faith and realize it willtake time.
