I thought I'd relay a story to anyone who wonders what it's like to encounter a homophobe in your day to day life. Unfortunately, mine is my boss (yes I'm looking for a new job). So here goes: I only officially "came out" about 3 weeks ago to my immediate family and closest friends, and if you read my previous posts, you know that it (fortunately) went very smoothly. However, I'm not out in the workplace, I feel I'll reveal this part of myself as necessary to "secondary people" in my life. Anyway, I work at a bank, and I had actually gotten to be pretty good friends with my immediate boss. We have almost exactly the same sense of humor and we get along extremely well. She knew I was Catholic, and slowly but surely, she started talking about Christian theology and the like. I didn't mind, it's something that's important to her (she's Southern Baptist, which should have been a warning bell right there). So one day, she asked my advice (keep in mind, I'm not out in the workplace). She told me that she overheard her son tell his cousin that "it's okay for two men to be in a relationship." Now instead of discussing this with her son, she freaked out and rebuked him, and encouraged her sister to tell her son that that lifestyle is "not okay." She then related how she was looking for a book at the Christian store for advice and how the way gay men and women live their lives is "disgusting" and that every time she sees a gay client come in that her "stomach turns." Needless to say, after hearing this hatred spew from her mouth (believe me, I watered down what she actually said a bit), I felt the color drain from my face, and I couldn't say anything. I literally had no words, and all I could do was slightly shake my head and stare at her. Luckily a customer came in at that moment, otherwise I don't know how the situation would have gone. I think that she picked up on my disgust, because she has not brought the subject up since, and she has definitely pulled away a bit. My mom told me when I first came out that I would probably be confronted with this kind of hatred and I thought I was ready for it, but it does catch you off guard. The workplace still doesn't officially know I'm gay, but at least they now have an inkling. And now I know how I'll respond the next time a hate monger enters my life: I will speak my truth in a respectful, and above all authoritative tone. After that, any misgivings are their problem. I'm sorry this was a long post, but the episode really struck me. And I guess my advice is that do not let anyone dictate what your truth should be, only you know that. Good luck on this beautiful journey that you have begun (and feel free to message me, I always have time). -Nick
Yes, no matter how much you try to steel yourself ahead of time, it's always uncomfortable and shocking to hear something like this come out of a person's mouth, especially a person whose company you have enjoyed in the past. But this: is exactly the right attitude to take. Kudos to you when and if you get the chance to follow up on this intention - it takes a lot of courage to speak your truth in the face of hate. (By the way, just a quick note to add that people won't be able to send you PMs as a Regular Member - only Full Members have this ability. You can apply to become a Full Member after 2 weeks and at least 50 posts. If you have any questions about that, feel free to direct them to the Ask the Staff section.)
I've yet to experience that in my coming out process, but I know it's only a matter of time. You're certainly not without resources should your boss cross the line again. I'm Southern Baptist myself so it's certainly not an issue with the religion, but strictly on the individual. Have you looked into any of the LGBT groups in Denver? You might even want to check out your employee handbook to see how clearly your bank defines harassment. For the time being, I would keep a log of that conversation to include the date, time, and to your best ability, exactly what she said, her gestures, and facial expressions. Should she retaliate in some sort of way, you'll have a record to back you up. Keep it updated with everything you might consider offensive or homophobic from this point on. Good luck on the job hunt.
It's a proven fact that the more gay people someone knows personally, the less homophobic they actually are. I think you're doing the right thing by starting to look for a new job, but I wouldn't leave without coming out to her. Even if you do it a second before you tell her you're quitting, I would do it. In fact, I would quit and then tell her that you're leaving solely because you don't want to be around people like her. She might not get over her homophobia today, tomorrow, or even a few years from now--but from that point forward she'll have to wrestle with the fact that for a brief period of time she really enjoyed a gay guy's company and connected with him on a genuine level. You know? I don't know if I could have been that level-headed, so congratulations. It really is unsettling and disarming and infuriating when it happens. I've been out for years and years and years and I had my first homophobic experience in February at a bar. At first I was too shocked to say anything and then something inside me snapped and I couldn't stop myself. I made a post about it after it happened in the "What Are You Thinking?" thread for anyone that cares. I tracked it down; http://emptyclosets.com/forum/1009363-post8388.html
Nick, you know in the first place (and I'm sure you've noticed this) the pope and his cardinals are about as gay as you can get. Seriously, this woman under whom you work is a bitch. The world truly is full of them, and sometimes it seems to me in my overly-long decades of life that there are people who deliberately put on a hate show just to see what you'll say. You could have told her, without danger, that you don't appreciate talk of that kind. You did well to keep silent since you were in shock.But I have found one thing: it makes no matter who you are- you should always be prepared to fight hatred and discrimination. If you look at it that way, it all becomes easier. It is no longer about you, because you are me, and I am you, and everyone is everyone, see? John Lennon said it best.
I appreciate you reminding me that it's the person and not the religion. Looks like I'm just as guilty as she is...
OMG! That's hard to hear that, man! It's better to say it as nicely as you can than keeping it for you after that, you don't wannabe an angry person. I think that's important to express it at some point! As it's your boss, you might want to wait until you leave the bank... or not, but be nice to her bc you want to be the good guy!
