It's been a 5 days and we've talked about it

I'm so sorry(*hug*)

I can't really give advice, but he probably needs more time. I guess you could tell him that no matter what happens you will always love him.(*hug*)

 

He's probably in shock right now. Just give him a little time. I'm sure he'll come out of it or at least mellow out.

 

You were born gay, and his reaction is just completely outrageous, to be totally honest.

Ok, so he said he feels like you're dead to him? He thinks you're somehow "different" now. I think he's being needlessly dramatic and over-the-top. I'm sure he is really shocked, and I'm sure he is trying to deny it, but there isn't anything he can do, and with time he'll get over it. He'll move on when he starts to see and understand that you're the same you've always been. It isn't going to happen in five days. It takes many LGBT people years to fully grapple and come to terms with it. We can't expect our loved ones to not have the same reaction. (However unjustified it may be.)

You definitely aren't being selfish for wanting to live your life your way either. You only get one shot, and you don't owe it to anybody--yet. If anyone is being selfish here, it's him. You are his son, his child. The second you came out of your mother's uterus he should have stopped living for himself and started living for you, and he's failing miserably as a father right now. It slays me that he accuses you of "being selfish" by simply being honest with him, and then in the same breath threatens to kill himself, which is the most selfish act anyone could possibly commit.

If I were you I would confront him and say basically what I just said. You haven't ruined his life, you've rocked his world obviously, but it had to happen, and it isn't your fault. The blame for this entire situation rests entirely on his shoulders. I don't have a magic bullet answer to make everything better, but you definitely need to keep a channel of communication open, and you need to be the mature and level-headed one since he is obviously just incapable right now.

Maybe you could show him EC? Other parents of LGBT children have posted here looking for advice and answers. You could also show him some PFLAG material or something like that. I don't know what else to say, but good luck. Don't let him wear you down. (*hug*)

 

Hang in there bro! D:

First off, congrats on coming out to your dad. That is a tough task itself, so at least that's something to be happy about.
So, I'd have to say that your dad is still in denial about this information that has been presented to him. Denial can last anywhere from a few mintues to (unfortunately) months. Now, I KNOW that bit of info there is in no sense comforting, but sometimes facts can't be sugarcoated. :/ However, a fair amount of parents think that it's their fault for "turning you gay", thus why some people claim that they wanna commit suicide. Just make it understood that it ISN'T HIS FAULT. He's going to have to accept the facts at SOME point.
Second, don't feel like you ruined his life. YOU DIDN'T. Facts are facts: you're gay, and that's the honest truth. Of course he may have a hard time accepting it, but it takes time.

So, in short, here's what I suggest:
-GIVE HIM SPACE: He's gonna need a bit of time to process this info.
-LET HIM APPROACH YOU: When he's calmed down and ready to discus things in a civil manner, THEN you can talk about it.
-GET SUPPORT FROM OTHERS: You wanna make sure that you have people in your life that will stand by you and accept you for who you ARE, not who people WANT you to be.

You are no different before you told him than you are now. Keep your head high because things WILL get better.

Stay strong, bro! *hug*

 

Whenever anybody comes out, everybody around them must come to the same conclusion: the person is gay and sure of themselves, they can't be changed, and they're still the same person they were before they came out. This takes different amounts time for people to realize. Your father will come around, I'm sure, just give him space. Does anybody else know that could talk to him? A relative or close friend? Either way, don't confront him. Stay away and let him cool down and begin the healing process. Like it or not, everything he thought he knew about you changed and to him you seem like a different person. He thought he knew you all this time, but he didn't know that you were gay. Now that he knows, he needs time, lots and lots of time, to realize that your personality hasn't changed at all, and the only thing different is that you revealed your sexuality to him. He'll come around, I'm sure. (*hug*)

 

Dude, your father is nuts.

 

Listen to me: when I was much younger, my mother told me something. I was closeted and nervous back then. She said, "All fags should be burned at the stake with green wood."

So I said, "Why with green wood?"

She said, "Because it's slow, it burns slowly. All fags deserve that."

I asked her if she'd say the same thing if one of her kids was gay, and she said, "Of course! They deserve to be put to death."

Now, this sounds weird and seems wrong, but I adored my mother, we had a great relationship. My mother respected me because I did NOT come out to her or my pop. They heard all the stories, but never heard them from me.

That story is f*** up; I wouldn't want anyone living through that. Talk to your father, make him see reason. If he refuses, tell him he's being a git. Do you use that word, git? Tell him he's being an a-hole, yes? Tell him!

In fact, print out my post with my story and show it to him.

 

I don't have any experience dealing with reactions like this, but personally I would be very hurt and at the same time pissed off. Your father is behaving like an immature asshole. I can only say that you should not give in to that kind of bs. Stay strong. And if you don't feel like dealing with him, then ignore him until you do.

 

In the Parent world of finding out your child is gay 5 days really isnt a long time. You could try and get him some information from PFLAG. Just give him time he is angry and hurt but its not your fault.

 

So sorry to hear that he's taking this hard. (*hug*)

A few thoughts. First, I think Silverhalo is right, 5 days is not a long time for a parent after finding out that their child is gay. So time may be called for here (but, see below).

Nevertheless, it sounds like your dad is dealing with some very personal issues right now. A lot of his responses - at least as far as you've described them in this post here - have to do with himself and his feelings of betrayal, isolation, disappointment, whatever. Of course, you've done none of these things to him - you're the same son as the day you were born, and the same son he raised. If nothing else, you're being more honest with him than you've ever been. I suspect part of his trouble here has to do with a personal investment he placed in you - like, he would never be happy until he saw his son married (to a woman) and with a family of his own, something vicarious like that. Again, this is something arbitrary he placed on you, and if you're not fulfilling it, it's very much not your fault.

If this is the case, then time will not necessarily help. If it stays this way, you might want to talk to someone else close to him in the family, someone you can trust with all this information, if there is such a person. Or suggest people for him to talk to. Your instincts are right - it's not a child's job to take care of a parent dealing with this kind of stress, whether he set himself up for it or not. I would enlist someone else to help.

And don't worry - even if coming out to him did open this up, it's very much not your fault. It might even be a chance for him to deal with whatever feelings are causing his reaction. So you might have helped him out in the long run. (*hug*)

 

Wow, I'm so sorry he's saying all this shit to you, it's bullshit and none of it's true, in fact he's saying the opposite of reality. He's being selfish and he should want you to be happy more than other family members and worry about you rather than some family reputation. What a bunch of shit. Stay away from him as much as you can, but if you can't avoid him and he starts talking out of his ass again, I hope you can tell him how wrong he is and how much it hurts you and for no good reason, you didn't decide to be gay. Say it nicely if you can, but tell him you're not going to listen to him if that's all he has to say.

You deserve respect and dignity (*hug*)

 

You can tell him that he hurt you. But I don't think it's a good idea to push him away when he's making an effort. Definitely don't be cold without explaining why--that really won't do any good. Everyone told you to give him space, but I don't think they meant in a situation where he's clearly reaching out to you.

I think you should talk to him and explain that you love him very much, but that what he said before really hurt you, and now you're afraid that if you let yourself feel close to him, you'll get hurt again. Think about what you need from him in order to feel better, and make sure to tell him clearly what it is; otherwise he won't know.

You might consider seeing if he'll go with you to a family counselor, or something like that. One way or another, it would be very good right now for him to see a therapist to help him deal with the grieving process.

What he said to you, about feeling as though you had died--it was a horrible thing to say to you, but it is a very common emotional response for parents to have. I mean, that's what all this stuff about the grieving process is about. You haven't died, but he has to deal with the loss of the person he imagined you to be, and the life that he had imagined for you.

It seems to me that he was expressing, not only anger and bargaining, but also depression, which is where the suicide threats come from. He seems to have been experiencing them very intensely all at once. Believe it or not, that could actually be a good thing--it might mean that he'll be done processing and dealing with all those feelings sooner, rather than dragging it out for years before you finally get to the acceptance stage.

Is he the sort of person who deals with and issue once and then it's done with, or does he tend to bring the same issues up over and over again? Different people are different in that way.

If not therapy, or even along with therapy, I would very strongly recommend PFLAG for your father. There, he would be able to meet and talk to other parents who've gone through exactly what he is experiencing, including all the dramatic emotions he's been having. Maybe you could suggest it to him. Look up when there's a meeting in your area, and see if you can go to it together.

 

accept the effort for what it is. we all screw up sometimes and overreacting isn't unheard of, no ones saying you need to forgive him for what he said just yet, but work with him, so your relationship with him can start to heal a lil bit.
either way best of luck and lots of love.

 

Just remind him that you've always been this way, so you're not any different.

 

He tried to hug you, he's beginning to accept the news. Don't push him away now, dammit!

That being said, I wouldn't recommend talking to HIM about it unless he brings it up. Not yet, anyways. Give him a little more time, but now at least you know he's trying and you can spend time with him again. Take this opportunity to show him that you're still the same person you were before!