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Mixed feelings... Doubting myself.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mitch, Apr 13, 2012.

  1. Mitch

    Mitch Guest

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    Sorry if this is quite long and dramatic, but I can't keep obsessing...

    I've been doubting my sexuality the past few weeks. I've known that I'm bisexual the past two years or so, and although shaky at first I accepted it. But now I'm going back into questioning. It all started when a group of friends and I were talking and we got around the subject of LGBT's and the such. Of course I'm not out, and they were all straight guys. Anyway, they were talking about how they all thought that bisexuality wasn't real, and how it's really just someone who is insecure and can't accept that they're gay. I couldn't say anything against it for fear of being outed :frowning2:

    That conversation has REALLY been annoying me. I'm really starting to doubt myself. I mean, I "AM" bisexual. I've had experience with both sexes, girlfriends at school, and some guys online. I love men's and women's bodies... I think. I just can't get over it. Maybe I am gay... and I just "think" I'm attracted to women... Maybe I am straight... and I just "think" I'm attracted to men... I mean bisexuality doesn't exist... Wait? Wtf? Of course it does!
    W H A T I S W R O N G W I T H M E ? ?!? !?

    I have been so sure of myself for two years and now I'm seemingly going into panic attacks. It's day 1 all over again! I wake up and say "I'm Gay!" And I will force myself to turn away from looking at women ALL day, and encourage myself to look at guys. The next day I'll wake up and say "No, I'm Straight!" and just do the opposite. Why is this happening? Is there an answer? Is there an end? I've taken multiple online psychological tests regarding to bisexuality and nearly 75% says that I am, it's just I can't keep this paranoia away! The questions are like "Whom would you rather kiss first, a man or a woman? And I typed "depends on the mood". I'm starting to think "Wtf kind of answer is that? Sounds like you're bipolar!"

    Baaaaaahhhhhh. This has all just turned into an obcession the past week. Need help! :tears::tears::tears:
     
  2. Eww

    Eww Guest

    NOTHING is wrong with you. Nothing. You are entitled to be who you are- people who yap about bisexuals and other things usually don't know what they are saying. People don't like the idea of bi because if you like your own sex, you're 'gay' and there's an end of it. It is wrong to discriminate. Gay people are targets like anyone else, and let's face it, if you're bi then you're 'half gay'. All you need that is important is to know yourself!
     
  3. Mike92

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    I completely agree with this.

    I, too, am bisexual and for people to think that there's no such thing are just out of touch with reality.

    And, yeah, all that really matters is that you know yourself.
     
  4. aLANAN

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    First off, there is NOTHING wrong with you. I would like to place extra emphasis on the nothing. I know several friends who have declared themselves as bisexual as well. And from their descriptions and views of both genders, I believe they are indeed bisexual. One, who is male, loves both male and female bodies. So bisexuality is not a myth.

    If you find the appeal in both male and female bodies, then I think it's safe to call yourself bisexual. You should try looking at both body types (nude and/or clothed) to be sure which one(s) turn you on. You're attracted to who you're attracted to. With more time and experience, you'll know for sure what you like.

    Good luck, and try to not stress out! It's not healthy for you! You'll find yourself! :slight_smile:
     
  5. Mitch

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    It's just that, the main idiology I have been basing this on is...
    What if it's all in my head? What if deep down, I mean chemically in my brain, I am not actually bisexual. It's only my brain tricking myself. I find myself looking at a hot guy, getting turned on and then thinking...

    Why?

    Why did this just happen? This can't be. This can't be real. In a deep basic fundamental law... This... Just... Ugh, I know you all have been through this too it's just, hard. I just don't understand why I'm like this. Why are people gay? Why are people bi? Why are people bi-gender and what not? Why are the "normal" people straight? What happened to us to make us gay? I could literally max out the characters in this form with these questions. I don't think there are any scientific answers to any of these yet... It's just so frustrating. All of this has really consumed my life and I want to know why things happen. Why things are.

    aLANAN: Do you mean like what parts I find more attractive?

    And as for the two above, what if this doubting is making me... DOUBT? I just don't know anymore. All of this just swirls into this pool of Whys? and Hows? and Reallys? I just want answers... =(
     
  6. Eww

    Eww Guest

    I will give you an answer. In fact, I'll make it an order, by the great almighty powers vested in me. You must meditate on yourself and the things you love, the people you love, what you find beautiful. Then ask yourself why you would want to find ugliness. Ugliness has its uses, its purpose, to teach us about life. No one here can answer what you want to have answered- no one except you. No go do it.
     
  7. aLANAN

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    To answer your question, I don't mean which ones you find MORE attractive but which ones you DO find attractive. If you find male bodies attractive, then you like men. If you find female bodies attractive, then you like women. And maybe you find both attractive, and so you like both.
    I'm very sorry, but I cannot give you a detailed and exact explanation for why there are so many variations on the sexuality spectrum. But you were definitely born the way you are and there is nothing wrong with that.; you are you. But I think what works is confidence. You need to accept yourself for who you are. You might like girls, or both girls and guys, or just guys. It doesn't matter. Don't rush yourself to define what you are. You'll find out soon enough.
    And maybe you're over thinking things?
     
  8. Mitch

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    Well I know for a fact I'm over thinking things, I'm about to major in engineering, and while that has it's benefits, it really makes me over-think EVERYTHING... I always want to find out why things work.
    Anyway, I know I'm bisexual, if anything to judge on the body thing I'd say I'm about a Kinsey 2.5-3.0.

    and to Eww:

    That actually is something I've never thought about and I think would be a great quote. Why would you want to dig into ugliness? It doesn't solve anything but make you more paranoid... Which isn't what I need. But how can I stop it? I know everyone here on this site has the doubtings, and the self-tests... How did you overcome them? Most just say it will go away in time, and that's a painful answer XD
     
  9. aLANAN

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    I'm sorry, but out of curiosity and ignorance what exactly is the Kinsey scale?
     
  10. Eww

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    1. The Kinsey scale (which I think is B.S.) tells you how gay you are.
    2. Thanks for the compliment. Sadly, digging into ugliness is going to happen. It is unavoidable. How and where you dig, what you do with it, THAT is what matters.
    3. I suggest you do research on homosexuality in nature. Read about the gay animals, there are lots of them. The octopus is particularly striking. That is what you must also do. Einstein said, "Look into nature, then you will understand it all much more clearly."
     
  11. Mitch

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    Well, I havn't done much studying on animals, but I have done a lot on homosexuality and primitive people. Scientists say even the Neanderthals did it, and ancient civilizations. Tells you it's been around long before we really knew what being "gay" was. Just makes me wonder. What causes it? How.... I'll just stop there. No more questioning tonight...

    Anyway. Now that this thread has gotten way off subject, haha. But does anyone know if there's been any studying as to my thought a few posts above that bisexuality could just be your brain tricking you? And not so much the hormones triggering in your brain? I've always wondered this, and tbh, even if it was your brain tricking you, who cares, wouldn't change a thing. Guess I just answered my own question...
     
  12. Eww

    Eww Guest

    The theory of the 'cause' is that gay people have brains that resemble the opposite sex. No one knows why that happens, but I suppose it means we're mental hermaphrodites. Can you live with that until the real answer is found? That is the latest thing. However, I do not know how scientists can say Neanderthals did it. Were they there at the time? Did they find cave porno? or is it all B.S.?
     
  13. Mitch

    Mitch Guest

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    Lolol @ cave porno, but really I have no idea. And I've heard the "mental hermaphrodites" before, though I thought it was too crazy to be true. Though it does make sense... But if this is true, wouldn't every gay/lesbian be transexual also? Haha, I'll stop asking questions, probably just bugging you. I'm just that type of person who obsesses to figure out every phenomenon =/
     
  14. Eww

    Eww Guest

    No, it is a spectrum, imagine it as a graph if you like: bi is on one side and on the other side are transgendered/hermaphroditic people. This is the way it probably really is, but such a graph also fits the facts 100%. See?
     
  15. socalguitarguy

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    Hey man, I understand why this is stressing you out. I am also a very scientific mind and like to know the "why" to things I don't understand. The problem is, sometimes the answer to "why" isn't fully understood, and I think that is definitely the case with sexuality. Our society is obsessed with trying to impose order on reality by squeezing everything into labels whether they fit well or not. Is it possible that you're not really bisexual, that your brain is "tricking" you? Well, what would that even mean? What would a "real" attraction be like as opposed to a "fake" attraction? Does it matter? I think the only thing to do is to try your best to put such questions aside for now and live your life. In the last few years if there's one thing I've learned is that introspection can only get you so far. Sexual orientation is something that describes a person's reaction to other people, so only through interactions with others can you really figure yourself out. Try to resist the urge to do repeated "checking" online such as testing yourself with pictures or quizzes. That can be a slippery slope into obsessive-compulsive territory (believe me, I've been there).

    I wish I had more advice to give man . . . just try to be patient and give yourself some time to sort things out. In the end there is no secret barcode under your skin that says you are "bi", "gay", or "straight." The label is something you assign yourself, and you can only do that when you're comfortable with it. And if at some point your chosen label doesn't seem to fit what you really feel, then no one says you're not allowed to change it.
     
  16. Lewnatic

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    I, too believe in this science that the brain of a gay male is similar to that of a straight female. I mean...it can't be coincidence that gay men get on with females better than males. They can relate to each other. I do think there's levels, however. You'll see very, very feminine gay men who may as well be women prancing around. And then you see boy-ish gay men who relate more to fellow males, or find somewhere in between - having a great mix of both friends. Are these bisexuals? It's very complicated. I can't really relate to females. I have many female friends, but I feel very out of place if I'm the only guy and I'm always happy hanging around with my straight male friends because that's where I feel most comfortable.
     
  17. Eww

    Eww Guest

    This is all coming together to remind us we are monkeys. Look: young male monkeys at some point bond with an older (adolescent) monkey for the obvious logical reasons. The funny thing is, slightly older than adolescent ones are really attracted to some of the adolescent ones. Tests have shown ALL men are attracted to teen boys as long as they are not aware it is a boy they are looking at - point being, the Homo Road is probably the most natural at certain stages in life. Humans are just too stoopid to take that road. However, for us, it's not a matter of choice.:help:
     
  18. Chip

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    Hey Mitch.

    I can completely understand your frustration. I don't know if you've seen my other posts talking about the 5 stages of "loss" (in this case, "loss" of your identity as a heterosexual), but what you're describing:

    is textbook-classic "anger"-stage thinking. (the stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). Likewise, the back-and-forth ("Well, maybe I am / oh, no, it's just a phase / well, but that guy's really cute / naaah, I like girls") is typical of what one experiences in the "bargaining" stage.

    And of course, "acceptance" is the end stage, so you're not going to have any resolution as to where you are until you've gone through the other stages (which, by the way, are not always sequential.)

    Also... keep in mind that although you may have known that you're bisexual for a couple of years... you aren't fully accepting of it, otherwise you'd be out. Being in the closet means there's still some shame associated with that "label" of being bisexual, and that's completely understandable and normal. But that also ties in with going through the process of accepting and loving who you are.

    All of it takes time. And there's no rush. You're thinking about it, talking about it, asking for input, and all of those are an excellent way to give yourself time to come to accept wherever you are on the spectrum.

    I don't know if you've tried to get a clearer read on where you are on the spectrum, but that could be helpful to your processing of what you're feeling as well. And what that basically involves is looking very honestly at where your attractions lie... where your eyes go (more toward guys or toward girls) when you don't think about it and are walking along a beach; whether you watch gay or straight porn (and if straight, whether you're looking at the guy or the girl); what you think about when you masturbate. Those can all give you -- if you can answer them completely honestly -- a better idea of where your attraction and orientation lies.

    While there are people who are genuinely bisexual, most fall somewhere toward one end of the spectrum or the other. And while it's important to understand that sexuality isn't binary or trinary, but instead a spectrum, it's also useful to know that most people choose a label out of convenience, rather than 100% accuracy. So many people who are "gay" are really a Kinsey 4 or 5, while many who are "straight" are really a kinsey 1 or 2.

    The bottom line is... there's no rush to figure this out. You can give yourself as much time as you need, and, somewhat counterintuitively, if you can take your mind off of needing to decide, and instead, just explore what you're feeling and try to get honest answers, you may find it's suddenly easier to come up with a clearer understanding.

    Sometimes, as well, it can help to talk about it and ask questions to help you clarify things. If that's something you think would help, feel free to PM me or any of the other advisor team and we'll be happy to talk with you one-on-one.
     
  19. Mitch

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    Thanks Chip, and yes I have read your stages things before, though seems I totally forgot about it. And I guess this is pretty textbook... But it's just that I reached the end of the stages two years ago. And it seems every 6 months I go back to stage 1. I don't see why I can't just be happy with myself. I'm always struggling to find the "new" answer, when I'm really just making myself more stressed out on a wild goose chase.
     
  20. YIAW

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    Hi, Mitch, I want to tell you my story, because I'm pretty much in the same situation.
    A year ago I was almost sure I was gay. After a life of repressing feelings for girls, I started to ride with them, and for a while it felt amazing. Then something triggered me, and suddenly I realized that I was growing miserable again, because this time I was repressing feelings, or instincts, or whatever, for guys. So I thought, well I'm bi, but it wasn't that simple. I feel what you described, the self-doubt, the PANIC, on a daily basis. Every day I wake up feeling I must be gay, or I must be straight, and there's something I'm not considering, and what is this thing I just felt for this man/woman how do I label it? How do I label myself? It's always back-and-forth.
    In the month I spent on this boards, I found out there are a lot of people falling in the "bi" spectrum that are experiencing the same thing. With this I'm not saying that you're definitely bisexual. I still have no answer for this kind of situation and I'm honestly still uncomfortable and terrified by it. The only solution I came up with (and that I should begin to follow myself...!), is don't stress over it, don't spend all your day worrying about this stuff. Go out, have fun, live your life. And most important, you're not alone. You're entitled to have doubts, and to choose a label, or not choose it.