Wanting to feel bad?

Have things been really bad before? Unfortunately, our minds have a way of "learning" a pattern of thinking and following it before we realize what's happening. If you've been depressed before, you know how it makes you look for the bad in everything and only ever see things getting worse. Think of it like erosion; negativity is rushing water, and the more often it flows, the more it cuts into the earth, leaving grooves behind, making it even easier for more negativity to flow down the same path.

The bad news is that because it's so familiar, it may keep happening for a while. The good news is that once you're aware of this, it loses some of its power. You can catch yourself and say "Ohh, I know what this is. Yeah, we're not going to listen to those thoughts right now." It's still frustrating, but just because you have negative thoughts doesn't mean they are reflective of who you are.

Of course, there may be specific things you're worried or unsure about in your life, and maybe this is your mind's way of telling you to examine them? Our minds don't always know the best way to tell us something's wrong, but looking for reasons to feel bad could be a sign that something is unresolved. Give yourself time to puzzle it out, don't feel bad about feeling bad, so to speak

I hope that's helpful in some way.

 

I can almost guarantee you that you were depressed during that phase, and like you said, you were probably avoiding things (repressing feelings might be a better word). The big reason I say that with conviction is I did the EXACT same thing, just a few years later than you. What were you repressing? A good guess is probably sexuality stuff (as nearly all of us here can relate to), but beyond that, only you really know what in your life was going on. For me personally, it was a lot of alcoholism and strained marriage stuff. It's not something we can answer... but I'm sure most of us are willing to listen/discuss if you shared.

And your last paragraph describes being depressed perfectly. It's easy for us to blow off/minimize our feelings and say we're not depressed when we see "depressed" people on TV being visibly miserable and suicidal and etc. etc. (the extremes of a depressed state), but the depression is still there. Again, I did the same thing; for the longest period I thought I wasn't really depressed, but in retrospect it was pretty bad. I wouldn't say the state you're in is necessarily bad (though it isn't necessarily good), but it is definitely something you should personally be aware of, so you can monitor yourself and take action if you feel you're feeling worse.

I don't know how much you think you can relate to what I said, but we've shared some similarities. If it helps, feel free to PM me or something; I'm all ears. Or, of course, just keep posting in the forums.

 

Well, nobody can be sure, because none of us are you, and that period is already over. But, from what you described, it sounds like you had some bout of depression. Maybe not really severe depression, but depression. All this is in my best guess from the knowledge I have and my personal experiences.

You never considered it? I'm sure it's possible. Personally, I considered it once years before, and repressed it enough that I didn't think about it again until a couple years ago. I refused to think about it. I didn't actively go through all the stages of grief, I just had a solid 5ish year gap where I wasn't gay before, and was gay afterwards. There was a little bit of bargaining and hoping I wouldn't be gay towards the end, but I knew all along I was.

If I could guess, by taking all that time off of thinking about it I internalized it enough that it wasn't a cause of concern, it just was what it was. It only became an issue when I had to face it, because my inner feelings about my sexuality would have to be shown outwards (since I wanted to come out).

The other thing about the Internet (and particularly gaming) is that we're hidden behind a veil of anonymity. I've played well over my fair share of MMO's, with the same username (and pseudo identity) each time. I never really told anyone online, or even alluded to the fact that I liked guys, but the thing is I never reinforced the idea that I was straight. I was me, my username, and whatever I chose to make of it; whereas in the real world, I was always watching what I was saying and what I was doing (subconsciously, of course).

 

I'm sort of leaning towards guessing you're (clinically) depressed as well. I've been through two bouts, and I see a lot of similarities. The "looking on the bad side", for instance. And the "worry to the point of near-obsession about future jobs and life paths".

The thing is - there's no real test for depression. They don't draw blood and sendi to the lab, and come back nodding their heads - "yes, definitely depression". They might get for some large-scale imbalances, but other than that, they simply ask you some questions. And it's tough to decide if the depression is caused by external forces or not. You think it'd be easy. You know - "I'm depressed because I'm dealing with X and Y". But at another space and time, you might have Z on top of that and not feel depressed at all. Depression seems to want to find something to latch onto. Something that isn't quite perfect in our life, which we can obsess about...at which point, it seems like the cause. My last bout came at a time when everything was great in my life...so my brain was stuck obsessing about negative things that had nothing to do with me, really - war and people dying young and whatever.

If you haven't talked to a doctor, that's the first place. Maybe you might benefit from seeing a therapist, or perhaps not. Perhaps a mild anti-depressant would be a good idea, or perhaps not. But seeing your doctor is usually a good first step.

A few other things that might help.

Accept that this is not you. When you have a cold or broken arm, you are not the old or broken arm. These are things that are HAPPENING to you, but they are not you. Similarly, this depression, or funk, is not you. It's just something that's happening to you, and something you gotta deal with.

Stay active.. If you don't exercise, start. You don't have to join a gym or run a marathon. Walking outside for 15-30 minutes a day is fine to start. Jog the last minute or so to get your heart going a bit.

Get creative.. Most of us have a creative itch, so make sure yours gets scratched. Write. Draw. Design. Take pictures. Try stuff out.

Shake things up.. If you usually play Warcraft or Star Wars, try something utterly different - like a simple Tetris or hidden pictures game. Watch different kinds of v. If you usually watch action movies, try an old mystery. If you listen to rock music, give jazz or funk or classical a whirl. Read something different. Try new dishes at restaurants. Take a different way to school and back. Give your brain new input to process, so it has ess chance to obsess about things.

And as far as your eventual career goes, I'll just say for most people, I all works out. Usually in a way you weren't expecting.

Lex