I've checked out of here for a little, but I find this website good for catharsis, so here goes. I've been involved with a guy for quite awhile now. I met him toward the beginning of the school year. I was high on life just beginning college in a new, large (by my standards), liberal city, and one weekend in September I went down with a few people to float down a river in a college town 40 minutes away. One of the guys I was with had a girlfriend who went to school there. Some of her friends came along, and one of them was a really cute, funny, smart guy. Believe me when I say that I'm terrible at connecting with new people. As in, it took me most of high school to develop true friendships, only to have to move on from them very soon after. Well, this guy was different. Somehow I was able to really hit it off with him, and after hanging out on the river for a couple of hours, we exchange numbers. At this point, neither of us knew the other was gay. We occasionally text and share facebook links and the like for the next few months, and at this point, I was crushing on him. Throughout this time I had picked up indications that he was gay (we both slip under sensitive gaydars), but it wasn't until December that I braved up and asked him if he was, figuring I had nothing to lose since we know none of the same people and he's a county over. Well, to my delight, he answered in the affirmative, and I told him that I am also. We flirted for the next couple weeks until I told him I'm coming through his town to visit some relatives of mine. I was only expecting maybe like talking over a meal or something, but again we hit it off so well that we hung out for hours. At the end of the night, I kissed him, and it was literally one of the happiest moments of my life. This was at a point in our schoolwork that it was easy to plan around the 40 minute drive, and we saw each other a couple more times until the end of the semester. The month-long break wasn't fun, but we still kept in contact. This semester, things were different. Both he and I had way more schoolwork, especially him, and we only saw each other four times in two months. Now this whole time I was always feeling a bit paranoid because he would never reciprocate fully the affection I gave to him, and it really messed with my emotions because I thought there was not as much there as I thought. Well for weeks upon weeks, we were unable to see each other, until today. We had tossed around the idea that friendship was probably the best option, but we still made a point to see each other, and we showed the same affection as we had before. But at the end of our time together, I had to ask him what it was we had. We talked until we came to the conclusion that we couldn't see each other enough to consider it anything more than that we were friends who cuddled/kissed with each other. From the beginning he knew that the timing and placing were off, so that's why he never showed quite the affection I did for him, despite the fact that he likes me just as much as I like him. This came as no shock to me. After the lengthy time away from each other, I basically had come to the same conclusion, but it was still incredibly rough confirming it. Whether it's because of social deficiencies or because I'm truly so different from the rest of the world, all I know is that I've always had a really hard time finding my place in it, and I've always felt incredibly alone. But for the first time in my life, all that goes away when I'm with him. He is truly everything I look for in a guy, and it crushes me that we can't make anything work out. We agreed that we still want to be friends, and he's special enough that I'm willing to keep that happening. Still, I told him we can't show physical affection for each other because it messes with my emotions too much. This just sucks. The honest truth is that he was basically everything I want in a guy. Even if we can't make the commitment of a relationship, he is still very much best friend potential. But we can't even make that happen very well. Things would be so much easier if we had just not been compatible, but everything is there except the spacing and timing. This sucks.
Did you tell him what you want? As in, "If you don't feel like it can work for us, I'll accept that, and we can still be friends, but what I really want is to be in a relationship with you, even if it's not very convenient." It's really important to be clear about these things. Otherwise, the other person doesn't know how you really feel. Does he know that he's "everything [you] want in a guy?" I bet he doesn't. The two of you had been "tossing around" the idea that being just friends would be best, and from what you describe, you more or less agreed that it was the best thing during this most recent conversation. So, from what you've said, I think he has every reason to believe that that is really what you want, and what you think is best. But that is not how you really feel. Don't be afraid to at least ask for what you really want. It's the only way you have any chance of getting it.
I'm no good at solid relationship advice, so I'll just touch on some thoughts: - I echo the above, let him know how you really feel. If you're at a point where there's no relationship and a tough-to-upkeep friendship, how much do you have to lose? It's quite possible you're both saying to stay friends in everyone's best interest... but if you both actually want more, I'm sure you could find a way to make it work. - The recurring theme I keep seeing is that time and distance means it won't work. I'm sure it might be more difficult to make relationships (romantic or otherwise) work when visits are infrequent, but it does. My housemate is dating a girl he met over the summer right now. They live 6 hours away, have seen each other maybe 4 times in 8 months... but they also send about 160 texts to each other collectively a day, and Skype nearly every night. And their relationship seems pretty good. I think the bottom line is that it can work if everyone wants it to work. - If it's still not going to work out, at least you made a gay friend out of it, which isn't exactly the worst thing in the world. This "relationship" isn't exactly ending on bad terms. Not to sound cheesy, but you sound like a really good guy; I'm sure this isn't going to be the last guy you meet that you're interested in.
I think the deal is that we were working off the template of trying to make something work from the beginning, so it's not like we haven't tried. He is just legitimately too busy, as in he pulls a couple of all-nighters a week just to stay caught up with his work, and this was the first time since February we could see each other. The fact that he's remembering to text me back is amazing. Things just happened at a bad time. This is his hell semester, and this summer we're not even going to be in the same state. I told him that he was the first guy I had ever allowed myself to have feelings for and that I'll have a hard time not acting on those feelings because when finding something like that is so rare in my life, I want to keep ahold of it. The fact that I found someone with whom there's mutual attraction is already really rare, but someone who's also emotionally and philosophically compatible is ridiculously rare. He didn't weird out with me saying any of this, but he let me know that even though my feelings are reciprocated, it's probably best that I look elsewhere for now. He basically said that he only wants to be in a relationship if he's able to do it right, and his work is currently getting in the way of that. There's also some personal history with him that he has yet to let me in on, but he's said it's affected his view of relationships. All that said, I don't feel like I'm being young and naive by saying he's special enough to keep in my life. It's just really tough having to settle for less than what I want at the moment. Ramble ended.
Is he opposed to a relationship with you (because of time/distance), or relationships altogether, because he's too busy? There's nothing to say that because there's no relationship now it won't happen later. I wouldn't bank on it, but it's a possibility. And if he's got his own baggage, it's probably best to let him work through that. Doesn't matter how compatible you are, if his backstory causes him to throw up a wall one day, there's not much you can do about it. It sucks now, and it hurts, but it probably is best to just stick with being friends. Or, you could drop even that... but from the sounds of it, you two click enough that being friends is worth the pain of not being more.
Erg, I hate being sad. Anyways, tell him how you feel. If it's truly so much that you loved him, and if you share, maybe you would consider going the distance to be with each other. Make a bigger commitment... Like, moving, if it really is what you want and you feel so strongly that you will never feel the way you do in regards to so little people on this planet.
Sounds kind of like my situation, except our distance was extremely far, yet we both wanted to try and make it work. But the end result hurt me more than I could imagine. Just make sure that if you truly want to try for a relationship, he is also 110% for it too, other wise, heartbreak is inevitable as I'm experiencing at the moment.
I don't know if I have the answer, but I have a similar story, so I'll share it. I had a passionate relationship once. He was the first guy who I actually had feelings for. He was very like minded, same sense of humor, same interests. I also am very slow to meet people or make new friends and also feel like I really don't fit into the world very well. I feel alone in a crowd. It seemed like a miracle to meet a guy that was so much like me, that seemed either right on or very close to the same wavelength I was on. I wasn't alone anymore. How could I ever let him go? The relationship was complicated and we couldn't be together as often as I wanted. He didn't reciprocate affection. But he said he really liked me and that there were even some things about me he loved. He wasn't as invested in the relationship and wouldn't take the extra steps to make it work even though he said over and over that he would. The inability for us to be together was the biggest wedge between us. I realize now that he was keeping that distance, that time away so he could better be in a position to dump me. Which he did. I think it was for the best. I was badly hurt by the breakup-- it wasn't what I wanted of course. But looking back, I realize it probably wouldn't have worked in the long run. People change and what I wanted then isn't what I want now. If we met today I'd probably pass right over him. I'm not going to give you that shitty line about more fish in the sea, because at the time I didn't want more fish, I only wanted one fish, the one I'd already landed. All the other fish looked worse by comparison. Why keep fishing? I'd found my man. Is waiting is the right answer? While I was too busy waiting for someone to come around or make time for me, I probably missed out on something or someone really great. I'd be an asshole to say that you know your own mind-- I'm 33 and still don't totally know my own mind or who I am or exactly what I want in life. At age 19 I was, by comparison to myself now, completely clueless. I'm not saying you are, but we're all still learning who we are and how to live our lives the way we want. You will look back on this and feel differently about it than you do now. Living your life is so much more important than struggling in a tricky relationship, so get out there and get on with living. I also live Deep in the Heart and I know there's plenty of living to be done around here!
Yeah, this pretty much summarizes what's happening. He's just too busy for any sort of relationship, and I think because of past relationships, he likes to take things slow. From our talk, I got that if we're in a relationship, he wants to see me more than what we've been able to do. And with things the way they are now, he can't be the kind of boyfriend he wants to be. I really respect him for that. I guess I'm just bummed because for gay guys, there really aren't "plenty of fish." Using 5% as a rough estimation of the gay population at my school, there really aren't many guys, and that's before I start applying standards.
